So in my earlier post I placed The Dixie Chicks song “So Hard” at the end of the post. Love that song and it’s a song that is very fitting for infertility. However, because my life needs an appropriate soundtrack I looked at my list of infertility songs and found one that is much more fitting to the situation at hand (I believe), plus it’s probably not as well know (I think). Also, the title of this post probably would have been more fitting for the previous post. Yes, I could have edited the previous post to reflect that but for some reason I don’t really like going back and editing my posts (unless it’s for glaring spelling errors). Anyhoo enjoy or if you are like me weep uncontrollably
I don’t know where I’m at I’m standing at the back And I’m tired of waiting Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.
I shot for the sky I’m stuck on the ground So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down I thought I could fly, so why did I drown? Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Not ready to let go Cause then I’d never know What I could be missing But I’m missing way too much So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.
I shot for the sky I’m stuck on the ground So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down I thought I could fly, so why did I drown? Never know why it’s coming down, down, down. Oh I am going down, down, down Can’t find another way around And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.
I shot for the sky I’m stuck on the ground So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down I thought I could fly, so why did I drown? I never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
I shot for the sky I’m stuck on the ground So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down I thought I could fly, so why did I drown? Oh it’s coming down, down, down.
Today has not been a good day – not even a little. First some back story; when my husband’s father passed away his house was willed to the hubs and his two brothers. This is a gigantic house on the west coast – none of them could afford the mortgage on it so they decided to hire a property manager and rent the property out (the same family has rented it out all these years). It rents very well because it’s a big house in an amazing neighborhood in a superb school district. A few years later one of his brothers wanted his share of the money out of the house so that he and his fiancee (soon to be ex-wife) could buy a townhouse. My husband and his youngest brother did the dumbest thing imaginable because I wasn’t around to tell them they were being stupid (and apparently no one else felt the need to do so) – they figured up how much they “thought” the house was worth and then divided it by three. A new loan was taken out to pay for this (in addition to the bit that was still on the mortgage). My husband’s brother walked away with $250,000 – my husband walked away with a half a million dollar loan in his name. When we got married we decided we wanted to buy a house, we obviously couldn’t do that with a $550,000 mortgage hanging over our heads. My husband looked into selling the house and upon doing that all hell broke loose. His younger brother absolutely refused to budge. Their mother in a desperate attempt to keep the peace decided to “buy” my husband out – which basically involved her borrowing money and giving us $80,000 for his share of the house, with the promise to figure out a way to get the house mortgage out of his name and into hers. This was three years ago – the mortgage is still in his name. We took that $80,000 and purchased the home we currently reside in, we paid for it entirely in cash and because of that we have full equity in our home but no way to get that equity because of the mortgage from hell that my husband is still carrying. The last six months we have been faxing papers, signing papers, etc in regards to his mom getting a loan to buy the loan out. Today, we find out that loan is a bust – they won’t finalize it because it would be between a mother and a son or some bull crap.
The ONLY reason we want access to the equity in our home is so that we can pay for IVF – that is it. My husband talked to his mother today and asked if there was any way she could just borrow 50k in equity off of her house, we open up a joint account which we would then deposit the payments in every month and the payment would be auto deducted by the bank via that account. She informed my husband that she actually has a 115k line of credit available on her house that she isn’t using, but she thinks she still wants to go the loan route for now and keep trying. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! (sorry if my language offends you, but I just can’t deal with censoring myself today) . I realize that that is her money and I am in no position to “demand” it but out of all of her children my husband is so financially responsible it borders on insane. None of our bills are EVER late, we live below our means, I am so incredibly anal about bill paying and finances (I use an excel spreadsheet that is so ridiculously detailed that it would make someone with OCD weep in appreciation) .
If we can’t get the 50k from his mom the only other choice we have is to sue his brother and have a judge force him to sell it. My husbands family is the most anti-drama family on the earth – so having to make that choice would cause my husband severe heartache and I don’t want to be the cause of that.
I am so frustrated, so angry, so pissed off, so heartbroken. If my body would just do what it’s supposed to do this wouldn’t even be a damn issue – we would have no problem just carrying that mortgage – but no, my body refused to cooperate. My husband has super sperm and I’m just broken. All we want is a family, I don’t understand why it’s so hard – why every time we think something is going well some thing pops up to remind us that it’s not.
I am so tired of waiting for a chance to be a mother. I get angry thinking we could spend 50k and having nothing to show for it, and then I feel like people will think we “wasted” all that money. I worry that if his mother would agree to lend us the 50k, I would feel immense pressure for it to work and if it doesn’t work then I will feel like even more of a failure.
I think about the fact that I should have been due next month and if I were still pregnant then none of this would even be an issue. I think about the baby I lost and wonder if that’s the closest I’m ever going to get. That alone has been really weighing heavily on my heart and mind the last few weeks, so adding this to it is just too much for me to really process/deal with currently.
The only bright spot in today was that my period stopped, but the small joy of that is nothing compared to the crap of everything else.
“It felt like a given
Something a woman’s born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you
And I’d feel so guilty If that was a gift I couldn’t give And could you be happy If life wasn’t how we pictured it ….. It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy It’s so hard when it doesn’t come fast It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy So hard”
Yesterday I wrote a bit about an infertility story line in a TV show. I wrote it so fast and my mind was just not working correctly so I’m pretty sure that what I wrote came out as barely comprehensible word vomit. I’m hoping to expand a little bit on the subject in this post.
I wish my life were like a TV show, the type of sitcom where everything gets resolved in a few half hour episodes. Where people are beautiful and everything somehow magically works out in the end. Life isn’t like that though, it never has been and it never will be. It would be easier though, I wouldn’t have to stress about the possibility of never or of trying to figure out how we are going to pay for something that people are just supposed to be able to “do”.
I watched a show where a couple struggled for a bit to have a baby before being successful, I watched it and saw the scenes that were supposed to be emotional (and cried) and the scenes that were supposed to be funny (and cried). None of it was funny though, it was like venturing through the uncanny valley lugging my emotional baggage behind me. My husband and I sat on the couch in silence, neither of us wanted to be the first person to point it out or bring it up. I finally broke the silence by pointing out the stupidity of how a pregnancy test process was presented.
It also made me think back to earlier this week. The hubs and I are not the most social of butterflies – we tend to stay at home and prefer spending time together. The only real friends we have is a couple P&N. P has been my best friend for about 14 years, we met when we were college freshman and him and I worked at a grocery store together. He’s seriously one of the greatest guys I’ve ever met in my life and his wife N is completely amazing. We all four truly enjoy each others company, dinner & board game nights tend to be our favorite activity to do together. The hubs and I have always been very forthcoming about our infertility journey and this is especially true with P&N. N is finishing up her schooling and they are hoping to start a family in the next two years, however here lately she has expressed some concern over how long it might take them or if they will have issues conceiving naturally. There is nothing in her cycles to make her think this, the only reason she worries about it is because they have bore witness to our struggle. This breaks my heart. I want to tell her “oh, you have nothing to worry about”, but every time I go to tell her that I can’t bring myself to do so. Even though it is very likely that they will have no issues what so ever, I know that it is a possibility – it is always a possibility. I HATE having this knowledge, I HATE that my issues have made her worry about their chances. I’ve always said that it would be so much easier if my mind was just full of rainbows, bunnies and unicorn farts instead of the crap that clogs it up currently – it’s more true than ever. My worry has infected someone else, and I hate that. When they decide to start trying and are able to be successful I know that they are going to be such amazing parents and I’m hoping that our IVF works and they have no conception issues and our children will then be able to grow up together. My husband and I have been denied so many things in our journey to have children, I would like this one little thing to be a possibility.
So whether it’s watching a TV show that deals (not always accurately) with infertility or talking with a friend, it’s the knowledge that gets me. It’s being a quasi-expert on a subject I wish I didn’t have to know shit about. I wish I could have watched those episodes last night and laughed where I was supposed to laugh and feel sad where I was supposed to feel sad. I wish I could have coffee with a friend and talk about what we are going to name our kids without feeling that nagging “what-if”.
“Oh, it’s a little bit of everything, It’s the matador and the bull, It’s the suggested daily dosage, It is the red moon when it’s full. All these psychics and these doctors, They’re all right and they’re all wrong, It’s like trying to make out every word, When they should simply hum along, It’s not some message written in the dark, Or some truth that no one’s seen, It’s a little bit of everything.”
Why Not Us? 