Tag Archives: miscarriage

It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy

18 Jul

Today has not been a good day – not even a little.  First some back story; when my husband’s father passed away his house was willed to the hubs and his two brothers.  This is a gigantic house on the west coast – none of them could afford the mortgage on it so they decided to hire a property manager and rent the property out (the same family has rented it out all these years).  It rents very well because it’s a big house in an amazing neighborhood in a superb school district.  A few years later one of his brothers wanted his share of the money out of the house so that he and his fiancee (soon to be ex-wife) could buy a townhouse.  My husband and his youngest brother did the dumbest thing imaginable because I wasn’t around to tell them they were being stupid (and apparently no one else felt the need to do so) – they figured up how much they “thought” the house was worth and then divided it by three.  A new loan was taken out to pay for this (in addition to the bit that was still on the mortgage).  My husband’s brother walked away with $250,000 – my husband walked away with a half a million dollar loan in his name. When we got married we decided we wanted to buy a house, we obviously couldn’t do that with a $550,000 mortgage hanging over our heads.  My husband looked into selling the house and upon doing that all hell broke loose.  His younger brother absolutely refused to budge.  Their mother in a desperate attempt to keep the peace decided to “buy” my husband out – which basically involved her borrowing money and giving us $80,000 for his share of the house, with the promise to figure out a way to get the house mortgage out of his name and into hers.  This was three years ago – the mortgage is still in his name.  We took that $80,000 and purchased the home we currently reside in, we paid for it entirely in cash and because of that we have full equity in our home but no way to get that equity because of the mortgage from hell that my husband is still carrying.  The last six months we have been faxing papers, signing papers, etc in regards to his mom getting a loan to buy the loan out.  Today, we find out that loan is a bust – they won’t finalize it because it would be between a mother and a son or some bull crap.

The ONLY reason we want access to the equity in our home is so that we can pay for IVF – that is it.  My husband talked to his mother today and asked if there was any way she could just borrow 50k in equity off of her house, we open up a joint account which we would then deposit the payments in every month and the payment would be auto deducted by the bank via that account.  She informed my husband that she actually has a 115k line of credit available on her house that she isn’t using, but she thinks she still wants to go the loan route for now and keep trying.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!  (sorry if my language offends you, but I just can’t deal with censoring myself today) . I realize that that is her money and I am in no position to “demand” it but out of all of her children my husband is so financially responsible it borders on insane.  None of our bills are EVER late, we live below our means, I am so incredibly anal about bill paying and finances (I use an excel spreadsheet that is so ridiculously detailed that it would make someone with OCD weep in appreciation) .

If we can’t get the 50k from his mom the only other choice we have is to sue his brother and have a judge force him to sell it.  My husbands family is the most anti-drama family on the earth – so having to make that choice would cause my husband severe heartache and I don’t want to be the cause of that.

I am so frustrated, so angry, so pissed off, so heartbroken.  If my body would just do what it’s supposed to do this wouldn’t even be a damn issue – we would have no problem just carrying that mortgage – but no, my body refused to cooperate.  My husband has super sperm and I’m just broken. All we want is a family, I don’t understand why it’s so hard – why every time we think something is going well some thing pops up to remind us that it’s not.

I am so tired of waiting for a chance to be a mother.  I get angry thinking we could spend 50k  and having nothing to show for it, and then I feel like people will think we “wasted” all that money.  I worry that if his mother would agree to lend us the 50k, I would feel immense pressure for it to work and if it doesn’t work then I will feel like even more of a failure.

I think about the fact that I should have been due next month and if I were still pregnant then none of this would even be an issue.  I think about the baby I lost and wonder if that’s the closest I’m ever going to get.  That alone has been really weighing heavily on my heart and mind the last few weeks, so adding this to it is just too much for me to really process/deal with currently.

The only bright spot in today was that my period stopped, but the small joy of that is nothing compared to the crap of everything else.

 

“It felt like a given
Something a woman’s born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I’d feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn’t give
And could you be happy
If life wasn’t how we pictured it
…..
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come fast
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
So hard”

how many eggs to put into one basket?

6 Jun

So, I follow numerous infertility support-type groups on Facebook and one of them posed an interesting question today regarding multiple embryo transfer for IVF; asking people how many they would opt for or how many they have opted for.  Most people have went with the one or the two and it seemed like many of them have had or are in the middle of successful pregnancies.  The hubs and I have talked about it a little bit and decided that two would be a good number as it might up the odds of one of them successfully implanting or if both of them took that would be awesome as well.

Since we haven’t started the IVF process yet with our doctor I’m not sure what the maximum number of embryos he would transfer would be, I would imagine he would do one or two but maybe three in unusual cases.  If our case was deemed unusual for any reason it made me wonder if we would consider going with three embryos.  Don’t get me wrong, I have no desire to be the next octomom – I just keep playing the statistics in my head and our crappy luck that we have had so far in regards to getting and staying pregnant.  IF three would give us a better chance at ending up pregnant I could possibly be all for it.  But then what if they all took and then on top of that they all magically split so I there ended up six babies, I can’t even fathom that.  Just like there is always a percentage of a chance for a positive pregnancy test there is also a percentage of a chance (no matter how small) that the splitting and super multiples would happen.   When the hubs and I were having our IUI’s on our third round I had something like 7 mature follicles – the doctor warned us of the risks but we went ahead, of course not a single one of them took and we ended up with a BFN, but there was still that chance.  The hubs and I have spoke some about selective reduction and I told him that I couldn’t do it – as pro-choice as I am I just would never bring myself to be able to do that, we are fighting tooth and nail to have a family why would I turn my back on what we end up with.  So this brings me back to the initial question – how many is too many, when does trying to up the odds just turn into foolishness?  As of today if we started IVF and the doctor said “sure I’ll implant three embryos” – would we do it?  Perhaps this is all wishful thinking, perhaps I should just be thinking “please, let there be one or even two good ones – and please let one of them stick”.  I should be thinking that, but my mind is constantly going – constantly trying to work out all the angles, all the chances, all the percentages no matter how slight they might be.  All I know is that at the end of all of this I just want a child, I want our family to grow and I’ll do what I have to do to make that happen.

Insert witty title about feeling like crap here

25 May

Feeling like major crapola today – had heavy duty dental work done yesterday and my period started as well.  Major lesson about dental work – don’t go 5+ years without going to a dentist as it will cost you big time (in money and in pain) when you do finally go.  Although it’s not like I didn’t go because I didn’t want to go, I simply wasn’t able to afford to go – as there was a time before the husband where I lived paycheck to paycheck and then some so it would come down to “pay rent vs. go to the doctor/dentist” and at that time rent would always win out.  Soooooo thankful I have finally reached a point in my life where living comfortably is an actual possibility, granted all the RE bills are still the gigantic financial rain cloud hanging over our heads, but at least we can do something vs. nothing.

Also, on the “woe is me” front my period started yesterday with a bang, I haven’t had a period since my last failed IUI cycle months ago so this one is sucking big-time.  The pain is something completely different and something I haven’t had with any other period, it’s almost like a squeezing feeling instead of the normal crampy feeling and I don’t really know what to make of it.

I know that I was stupid enough to think these past few weeks that there was a chance in hell I was pregnant and now I don’t know what to think  as ever since I had my hysteroscopy I haven’t had a period that wasn’t medically induced so I don’t really know what this is.  A miscarriage?  Vindication from mother nature for daring to think that I might actually get lucky and get pregnant naturally? Or just my body trying to flush out whatever?  I have no idea, all I know is that it seriously hurts in more ways than one and as of now I just want to curl up in bed and sleep.

I’m supposed to go to Temple tonight as this weekend is Shavuot, I’ve been going regularly for the last couple weeks (I just started my conversion process) and I feel like a failure if I don’t go tonight but I seriously don’t feel like going anywhere and would like to think G-d and my rabbi would understand.   Perhaps I will email her (my rabbi not G-d :P) and try to explain, hopefully that will be good enough.

In which I ponder how to deal

20 May

So this summer the husband and I will be going to California for a few weeks (woot woot).  It’s supposed to be a time for us to relax, visit his family, celebrate his grandmothers 90th (I think) birthday; and also time for us to mentally prepare for heading down IVF highway.

In so many ways I’m looking forward to this trip and yet in others I’m not – I am still dealing with the fact that had I not miscarried earlier this year I would be all kinds of pregnant on this trip.  I also know that while his mother and his youngest brother knows about our infertility the rest of his family doesn’t – so I can only imagine at least one person will be asking the dreaded question “So, when are you guys gonna have kids?”.  I’ve actually practiced this scenario in front of a mirror (yes, I’m a gigantic weirdo – tell me something I don’t already know).  I’m not a public crier, I never have been and I don’t want to start now – I don’t want to be the one responsible for dragging down an entire family vacation.  How are other people out there dealing with scenarios similar to this one?

I’m still having the “I gotta pee all the time” issue and of course I’m watching out for any other “magical pregnancy signs”.  I’ll be sitting on the couch and feel a twinge in my boob and think “this is so it – I’m having breast pains!!!”, but then it goes away as quickly as it came on so the truth of the situation probably has more to do with my gigantic knockers hurting periodically simply due to being gigantic knockers.  😦   The crappiest part of this situation – I should be taking metformin, I should be taking it like it’s magical candy – and yet I’m not, #1 it completely wrecks my stomach and #2 I think to myself “what if you’re pregnant, it could hurt the baby”…yes, I understand that I am completely delusional at this point – I’m trying to work this out in my head and get back on my magical candy medicine train.

I don’t need anyone else to sabotage my progress as apparently I am awesome at doing that all on my lonesome.

Bottom line is I need to break down and just buy a damn pregnancy test so I can see the negative and move the hell on with doing what I’m supposed to be doing instead of living in nevergonnahappensville.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way

14 May

Well it wasn’t….

The idea is that you grow up, fall in love, get married, have a baby – it’s all so simple, so normal, everyone does it right?  It’s the thing you believe your entire life, it’s the thing you believe when you are 11 years old pouring over baby name books and imaging what your babies will look like with your junior high school crush.  It’s what you believe when as a responsible college student you go on birth control, it’s what you believe when you finally get around to meeting the man of your dreams and you plan your life together with that man.  It’s what you believe when you decide to “start trying”, it’s what you still try to tell yourself when you realize that your cycles have never been regular, it’s what you are still trying to tell yourself a year later when there is no baby not even a pregnancy.

It was supposed to be so simple – Well it wasn’t.

Almost three years of trying, doctors, “unexplained infertility”, 3 IUI’s, 1 miscarriage, two broken hearts and more tears than could ever be counted.  It’s seeing your husbands face at a positive result only to have to bear witness to the devastation that follows when for whatever reason your baby couldn’t stay.  It’s not knowing what to say to people who ask “why don’t you have kids yet”, it’s the anger welling up in the back of your throat when they tell you “just adopt” – as if it was just that easy.  It’s the pain in your heart watching your friends with their kids and the anger at yourself for feeling that way.  It’s the righteous anger of watching people “accidentally” get pregnant, it’s watching people you know who can barely care for themselves have all the ease in the world when it comes to having a baby.

It’s going to baby showers and smiling then crying in your car the whole way home.

It’s avoiding the baby aisle at the store because you just can’t deal with it.

It’s yelling on the phone with insurance companies about what is and what isn’t covered under your pathetic “infertility coverage” – it’s crying into your husbands arms after you hang up because of sheer frustration.

It’s living a life apart and all consuming and knowing that the majority of the people who love you just can’t understand.

It’s explaining to your mother for the 50th time what happens during IUI and IVF’s, but having no answer when she asks you why it’s so expensive or why your insurance won’t pay for it.

It’s knowing when the doctor office calls if the news is going to be bad or good based solely on the tone of their voice when they say hello.

It’s having knowledge that no one should have to have.

This wasn’t supposed to be my life – but it is. I can’t change it by wishing for it to be something that it is not, I can only try to keep going – get out of bed every morning, breathe and just keep going.

I want nothing more than to have a child that has my eyes and my husbands dark beautiful hair.  I want to introduce our child to this world, I want to watch them learn and grow and I want them never to have to go through what we went through.

So we keep going – we keep trying.  This fall it will be IVF, how many rounds will we have to do and will any of them be successful, only G-d knows that.  So we keep going – we keep trying, I try to hang on to that hopeful little girl of 11 who believed it would all be so easy, who named children that she believed she would have.  I keep those names on my heart now, for fear of writing them down.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way.