Tag Archives: life


19 Aug

So, the marching band has returned with great fanfare to my uterus, I was hoping that since it’s only been a month since my last period I wouldn’t get super vomit cramps – I am not so lucky.  I’m going to take the advice from the comments on my last post and call my RE this week – I’m going out of town tomorrow so it will have to wait till Tuesday.


Things have been a bit crazy the last week, I thought that upon returning from vacation and all the craziness that entailed things would calm down – I was wrong. We are leaving for Lincoln in the morning to go see Mumford & Son’s and celebrate my early b-day (I still refuse to believe I am turning 32).  We find out in a little over a week whether or not the MIL was able to get approved for the necessary loan so that we could move on with getting a HELOC for our house.  I’ve been a bit on pins and needles regarding this as we have sooooooooooo much riding on it.  I think the worry from that (I’m a worrier – it’s what I do) has completely fubar’d my sleeping schedule and it seems to be playing havoc on the hubs as well.  I’ve spent time every day at the post office mailing stuff I’ve been selling on amazon, and we’ve also had to play three rounds of “take the dogs to the vet” which is a production in and off itself and requires taking them one at a time because they all can’t be in the car at the same time.  I’ve had no motivation to cook so we’ve been living on crap food for the past week – I’m usually pretty anal about making a super duper menu and following that.  This week we have lived off of pizza, sandwiches and burger king – I hate myself :/ .   Well off I go to eat my tendergrill chicken sandwich and be self-loathing about it. 😛




the world keeps spinning on

8 Jul

Happy belated 4th of July!  We didn’t really do much to celebrate the holiday, neither the hubs nor myself are big fans of fireworks and since we are in the middle of a God awful heat wave having a cook out was pretty much not gonna happen either.  So, we celebrated by watching Sherlock on Netflix.  Seriously, if you haven’t watched that show – WATCH IT.  It’s brilliant.  I’m just bummed that Netflix doesn’t have the second season and we are gonna have to wait forever for our turn at the library (we are 27th in the queue…boo).

Hubs has been working a ton of overtime, we are hoping that by doing so we can get our credit cards paid off sooner (we still owe roughly 5k, which was mainly from the meds for our IUI cycles).  As soon as we get our cards paid off we can move on to IVF and I am incredibly antsy to start down that road.  I just want to feel like we are doing something because currently I feel like we are stuck in limbo.  I know logically we are doing stuff to help, i.e paying off debt, eating better, royal jelly, etc., but even with that it still feels like limbo.  I mean I haven’t been violated with the dildo wand in awhile, I’m starting to forget how much it sucks and we can’t have that, now can we?

We are preparing for our vacation (yes, I am the type of OCD nerd who needs a month to plan a vacation – sue me).  Again, if anyone has any suggestions for awesome things to do in the Northern California region & Las Vegas, let me know!!!! We have a pretty lenient itinerary so I’m looking for some activities to round out the trip.  A lot of people had recommended some winery tours to us, but neither the hubs or I drink wine, so that’s out.

In other “fun” news, we managed to snag tickets to a Mumford & Sons concert about 3hrs from where we live for late August.  I’m jazzed, I’ve wanted to see them in concert for awhile and my husband has never actually been to a concert (sad, I know).  So we are both excited.  I turn 32 *shudder* like 8 days after the concert so we are going to spend the night in a hotel and call it a birthday celebration!

Lots of fun stuff on the horizon, now if I can just keep myself from worrying about every little detail it will be a Hanukkah miracle!

It wasn’t supposed to be this way

14 May

Well it wasn’t….

The idea is that you grow up, fall in love, get married, have a baby – it’s all so simple, so normal, everyone does it right?  It’s the thing you believe your entire life, it’s the thing you believe when you are 11 years old pouring over baby name books and imaging what your babies will look like with your junior high school crush.  It’s what you believe when as a responsible college student you go on birth control, it’s what you believe when you finally get around to meeting the man of your dreams and you plan your life together with that man.  It’s what you believe when you decide to “start trying”, it’s what you still try to tell yourself when you realize that your cycles have never been regular, it’s what you are still trying to tell yourself a year later when there is no baby not even a pregnancy.

It was supposed to be so simple – Well it wasn’t.

Almost three years of trying, doctors, “unexplained infertility”, 3 IUI’s, 1 miscarriage, two broken hearts and more tears than could ever be counted.  It’s seeing your husbands face at a positive result only to have to bear witness to the devastation that follows when for whatever reason your baby couldn’t stay.  It’s not knowing what to say to people who ask “why don’t you have kids yet”, it’s the anger welling up in the back of your throat when they tell you “just adopt” – as if it was just that easy.  It’s the pain in your heart watching your friends with their kids and the anger at yourself for feeling that way.  It’s the righteous anger of watching people “accidentally” get pregnant, it’s watching people you know who can barely care for themselves have all the ease in the world when it comes to having a baby.

It’s going to baby showers and smiling then crying in your car the whole way home.

It’s avoiding the baby aisle at the store because you just can’t deal with it.

It’s yelling on the phone with insurance companies about what is and what isn’t covered under your pathetic “infertility coverage” – it’s crying into your husbands arms after you hang up because of sheer frustration.

It’s living a life apart and all consuming and knowing that the majority of the people who love you just can’t understand.

It’s explaining to your mother for the 50th time what happens during IUI and IVF’s, but having no answer when she asks you why it’s so expensive or why your insurance won’t pay for it.

It’s knowing when the doctor office calls if the news is going to be bad or good based solely on the tone of their voice when they say hello.

It’s having knowledge that no one should have to have.

This wasn’t supposed to be my life – but it is. I can’t change it by wishing for it to be something that it is not, I can only try to keep going – get out of bed every morning, breathe and just keep going.

I want nothing more than to have a child that has my eyes and my husbands dark beautiful hair.  I want to introduce our child to this world, I want to watch them learn and grow and I want them never to have to go through what we went through.

So we keep going – we keep trying.  This fall it will be IVF, how many rounds will we have to do and will any of them be successful, only G-d knows that.  So we keep going – we keep trying, I try to hang on to that hopeful little girl of 11 who believed it would all be so easy, who named children that she believed she would have.  I keep those names on my heart now, for fear of writing them down.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way.