Tag Archives: mumford and sons

the ghosts that we knew

22 Aug

We got back from Nebraska late yesterday afternoon, originally we had planned on being home that morning but it just didn’t work out that way.  Concert was a gigantic ball of awesome, amazing and a bunch of other positive adjectives.  The only downside – venturing out into the masses reminds me how much of a “not a people person” I actually am.  I have no problem judging people as douchebag hipsters and there were plenty in attendance.   However, even with all that  it was still an awesome way to celebrate my early birthday and a great first concert experience for my hubby.  How that man managed to go 33 years without going to a concert though is beyond me!!

When we left Monday morning the hubs had just gotten off work so I ended up driving while he slept – 3 1/2 hours of nothing but straight road and corn fields and no conversation – at one point I felt like we were about to star in our very own version of “Children of the Corn”.  However, it did give me time to think or as the case usually is over-think.  I tried my damnedest not to think about our upcoming (hopefully) IVF treatments, about our miscarriage or even about infertility in general.  However, trying is not necessarily succeeding.   It’s always there isn’t it?  Clouding everything, effecting every thought.  I can try to out think it, I can try to drive away from it but it follows us.  I think it will until it’s all finished in one way or another.  In less than a week I will be 32 years old – it seems strange to me to say that.

I remember being 17 like it was yesterday, I remember being filled with sadness and with hope and a belief in tomorrow. My life is currently so completely different than I had thought it would be, that doesn’t mean it’s bad – in some ways it is better and in others it just is. However,  in one way or another no matter how bad something seemed like it was in my life it always seemed to work itself out, infertility is the first thing in my life that hasn’t done so.  I know that IVF gives us a chance to have a child but it doesn’t cure infertility, it doesn’t magically remove a medical condition.  I sometimes wish I could go back in time and have a nice yell at my 17 year old self – scream at her for her arrogance and punish her for her belief in “everything will be okay”.  Then perhaps warn her about the mistakes she will make and guide her towards the right choices that came later if  they came at all.  Life doesn’t work like that though, we don’t get a reset button.  Everything- every choice, every good thing that happens along with every bad thing, every thought, and even every mistake guides us and forms us.  They make us who we are, blemishes and all.  I know that this upcoming year will be a hard one, I just hope that it will also be a happy one.  I want to be done with this journey of infertility, I want a happy ending.  I don’t want to be haunted by the ghost of “what if” and “why not me” anymore.  I don’t want to lose anymore babies I want to see one finally be born – healthy and happy and loved.  I am impatient – I guess that is one thing I still have in common with 17-year old me, a desire for tomorrow to be today.  I have always ached for the promise of tomorrow while having a cautious eye on the past, some days I have probably forgot how to live in the present – that has been especially true these last few years.  I think all of us are a bit guilty of that though, it’s one of those things you could probably file under “infertility” symptoms.  No matter what, I will be grateful to be turning 32, I will be grateful for another day on this earth, another chance to get it right.

 

“So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
Cause oh that gave me such a fright
But I will hold on as long as you like
Just promise me that we’ll be alright.
But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view
And we’ll live a long life”

the world keeps spinning on

8 Jul

Happy belated 4th of July!  We didn’t really do much to celebrate the holiday, neither the hubs nor myself are big fans of fireworks and since we are in the middle of a God awful heat wave having a cook out was pretty much not gonna happen either.  So, we celebrated by watching Sherlock on Netflix.  Seriously, if you haven’t watched that show – WATCH IT.  It’s brilliant.  I’m just bummed that Netflix doesn’t have the second season and we are gonna have to wait forever for our turn at the library (we are 27th in the queue…boo).

Hubs has been working a ton of overtime, we are hoping that by doing so we can get our credit cards paid off sooner (we still owe roughly 5k, which was mainly from the meds for our IUI cycles).  As soon as we get our cards paid off we can move on to IVF and I am incredibly antsy to start down that road.  I just want to feel like we are doing something because currently I feel like we are stuck in limbo.  I know logically we are doing stuff to help, i.e paying off debt, eating better, royal jelly, etc., but even with that it still feels like limbo.  I mean I haven’t been violated with the dildo wand in awhile, I’m starting to forget how much it sucks and we can’t have that, now can we?

We are preparing for our vacation (yes, I am the type of OCD nerd who needs a month to plan a vacation – sue me).  Again, if anyone has any suggestions for awesome things to do in the Northern California region & Las Vegas, let me know!!!! We have a pretty lenient itinerary so I’m looking for some activities to round out the trip.  A lot of people had recommended some winery tours to us, but neither the hubs or I drink wine, so that’s out.

In other “fun” news, we managed to snag tickets to a Mumford & Sons concert about 3hrs from where we live for late August.  I’m jazzed, I’ve wanted to see them in concert for awhile and my husband has never actually been to a concert (sad, I know).  So we are both excited.  I turn 32 *shudder* like 8 days after the concert so we are going to spend the night in a hotel and call it a birthday celebration!

Lots of fun stuff on the horizon, now if I can just keep myself from worrying about every little detail it will be a Hanukkah miracle!