Tag Archives: iui

how many eggs to put into one basket?

6 Jun

So, I follow numerous infertility support-type groups on Facebook and one of them posed an interesting question today regarding multiple embryo transfer for IVF; asking people how many they would opt for or how many they have opted for.  Most people have went with the one or the two and it seemed like many of them have had or are in the middle of successful pregnancies.  The hubs and I have talked about it a little bit and decided that two would be a good number as it might up the odds of one of them successfully implanting or if both of them took that would be awesome as well.

Since we haven’t started the IVF process yet with our doctor I’m not sure what the maximum number of embryos he would transfer would be, I would imagine he would do one or two but maybe three in unusual cases.  If our case was deemed unusual for any reason it made me wonder if we would consider going with three embryos.  Don’t get me wrong, I have no desire to be the next octomom – I just keep playing the statistics in my head and our crappy luck that we have had so far in regards to getting and staying pregnant.  IF three would give us a better chance at ending up pregnant I could possibly be all for it.  But then what if they all took and then on top of that they all magically split so I there ended up six babies, I can’t even fathom that.  Just like there is always a percentage of a chance for a positive pregnancy test there is also a percentage of a chance (no matter how small) that the splitting and super multiples would happen.   When the hubs and I were having our IUI’s on our third round I had something like 7 mature follicles – the doctor warned us of the risks but we went ahead, of course not a single one of them took and we ended up with a BFN, but there was still that chance.  The hubs and I have spoke some about selective reduction and I told him that I couldn’t do it – as pro-choice as I am I just would never bring myself to be able to do that, we are fighting tooth and nail to have a family why would I turn my back on what we end up with.  So this brings me back to the initial question – how many is too many, when does trying to up the odds just turn into foolishness?  As of today if we started IVF and the doctor said “sure I’ll implant three embryos” – would we do it?  Perhaps this is all wishful thinking, perhaps I should just be thinking “please, let there be one or even two good ones – and please let one of them stick”.  I should be thinking that, but my mind is constantly going – constantly trying to work out all the angles, all the chances, all the percentages no matter how slight they might be.  All I know is that at the end of all of this I just want a child, I want our family to grow and I’ll do what I have to do to make that happen.

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It wasn’t supposed to be this way

14 May

Well it wasn’t….

The idea is that you grow up, fall in love, get married, have a baby – it’s all so simple, so normal, everyone does it right?  It’s the thing you believe your entire life, it’s the thing you believe when you are 11 years old pouring over baby name books and imaging what your babies will look like with your junior high school crush.  It’s what you believe when as a responsible college student you go on birth control, it’s what you believe when you finally get around to meeting the man of your dreams and you plan your life together with that man.  It’s what you believe when you decide to “start trying”, it’s what you still try to tell yourself when you realize that your cycles have never been regular, it’s what you are still trying to tell yourself a year later when there is no baby not even a pregnancy.

It was supposed to be so simple – Well it wasn’t.

Almost three years of trying, doctors, “unexplained infertility”, 3 IUI’s, 1 miscarriage, two broken hearts and more tears than could ever be counted.  It’s seeing your husbands face at a positive result only to have to bear witness to the devastation that follows when for whatever reason your baby couldn’t stay.  It’s not knowing what to say to people who ask “why don’t you have kids yet”, it’s the anger welling up in the back of your throat when they tell you “just adopt” – as if it was just that easy.  It’s the pain in your heart watching your friends with their kids and the anger at yourself for feeling that way.  It’s the righteous anger of watching people “accidentally” get pregnant, it’s watching people you know who can barely care for themselves have all the ease in the world when it comes to having a baby.

It’s going to baby showers and smiling then crying in your car the whole way home.

It’s avoiding the baby aisle at the store because you just can’t deal with it.

It’s yelling on the phone with insurance companies about what is and what isn’t covered under your pathetic “infertility coverage” – it’s crying into your husbands arms after you hang up because of sheer frustration.

It’s living a life apart and all consuming and knowing that the majority of the people who love you just can’t understand.

It’s explaining to your mother for the 50th time what happens during IUI and IVF’s, but having no answer when she asks you why it’s so expensive or why your insurance won’t pay for it.

It’s knowing when the doctor office calls if the news is going to be bad or good based solely on the tone of their voice when they say hello.

It’s having knowledge that no one should have to have.

This wasn’t supposed to be my life – but it is. I can’t change it by wishing for it to be something that it is not, I can only try to keep going – get out of bed every morning, breathe and just keep going.

I want nothing more than to have a child that has my eyes and my husbands dark beautiful hair.  I want to introduce our child to this world, I want to watch them learn and grow and I want them never to have to go through what we went through.

So we keep going – we keep trying.  This fall it will be IVF, how many rounds will we have to do and will any of them be successful, only G-d knows that.  So we keep going – we keep trying, I try to hang on to that hopeful little girl of 11 who believed it would all be so easy, who named children that she believed she would have.  I keep those names on my heart now, for fear of writing them down.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way.