Tag Archives: ivf


9 Aug

Been pretty busy the last few days but I wanted to do a quick update while I had a spare moment. Out of our seven embryos four were able to be frozen on day-5 and one more was frozen on day-6. I’m not sure what happened to the others, but I’m feeling good about the number we got. If **fingers crossed** there are no problems with thawing it will give us enough for two FET’s. Most likely we will attempt to transfer three on the first transfer and save the other two for a second transfer if needed.


Daily Report

6 Aug

Just got the daily report on our seven lil’ embryos. They called later today then they have any other day which caused me to sit here for almost three hours playing the what-if game. Even though our clinic had warned us that somedays they might call later and not to worry because it didn’t mean anything I still sat here and worried because its something I’ve always done well.

Out of our seven embryos five have reached the stage where they can no longer count individual cells the other two are right on the cusp. He said he felt pretty good that those five would be ready to freeze tomorrow the other two he thought might make it but he didn’t want to promise anything. I feel pretty good about how they have grown and I only hope that once transferred they continue to grow like champs.

In other news I’ve been “sequestered” for the morning while the company that installed the tile in our living room and hallway come back out to fix all the stuff they screwed up. While I love the tile itself I am soooooooo not happy with their shoddy work. It was only supposed to take two hours they have already been here for three. Also whatever chemical they are using to clean up the grout that they got everywhere is the nastiest smelling crap ever. I will be very glad when they are done and out of my house for good.

To bide my time I started watching “New Girl” on Netflix, it’s actually pretty funny although there are some scenes where Zooey Deschenal’s character completely grates my nerves but its a nice change of pace from all the super serious dramas I’ve been watching lately. Plus laughing is supposed to be good for you, so might as well!

Day Three

5 Aug

So today 4 of the embryos are at 8-cell while the other 3 are at 6-cell. The embryologist also informed that today would be the day they do the assisted hatching.

I asked them if he could tell me what they graded the embryos, he actually seemed surprised I asked (are their seriously women who don’t ask?!). He happily informed that they were all grade A, I am a bit surprised that the ones that are only at 6-cell would be rated that high, but I will go with what they told me.

I meant to ask him to transfer me to one of the nurses but got sidetracked. Need to see if they can call in a RX for my yeast infection and possibly my constipation. I can’t believe that this many days after retrieval I’m still as physically miserable as I am. Hopefully the nurses can call me in something without much issue.

Grow Embryos Grow

4 Aug

Quick update- the embryologist called today with the 2-day update. The seven that fertilized are still trucking along, currently 4 are at the 4-cell stage and the other 3 are at 3-cells. I’m really looking forward to/dreading the results tomorrow as I feel that might be a better indicator. Since they are taking them to day 5 before freezing them I feel it’s going to be a really long week.

Just roll me down the hall

1 Aug

So I know I’ve been MIA the last week – I’ve been sleeping.  Seriously, I’ve been sleeping.  The fun and varied medications I’ve been on have seemed to kick into overdrive, I sleep a lot.  I’m also incredibly bloated – here have a picture of me in all my bloated glory

violet you're turning violet


Okay – so maybe that isn’t necessarily a picture of me but it is a pretty damn good picture of how I currently feel.  I have never been so bloated and so sore in my life.

When we went in for my ultrasound/bloodwork on Monday Dr. G was able to locate a little bit of my right ovary and saw 2 really good sized follicles, he said there was most likely more but it’s still in a place he isn’t 100% sure he will be able to access but he will try.  My left ovary still had 8 that were growing really well and a few more that were trying to play catch-up.  My Estradiol levels on that day were 2215, so definitely an improvement but at that point I was still bleeding really really heavily.  Dr. G said at that point if I didn’t stop bleeding and my uterus calm down we would have to make the choice to either cancel the cycle and start over or do the retrieval but freeze the eggs.  The hubs and I talked it over and neither of us were super gung-ho about starting over – I went home and had a nice conversation with my uterus. Yeah I’m a dork, I seriously talked to my uterus (I’ll just blame the meds for making me crazy :P) And low and behold the next day my period tapered off and by Wednesday (my next appointment) the bleeding was probably only at 5%.  “Huzzah” I foolishly thought – my body is finally doing what it’s supposed to and now we will be able to do a fresh transfer.  Yeah, no.  Dr. G said while it was great that my bleeding stopped my uterus still had the lining of a menstruating uterus and that “to transfer embryos into there would be the equivalent of flushing them down the toilet”.  So we were still only left with the two options, after talking to Dr. G for about 30mins we decided to continue with our plan of continuing the cycle and just freezing the embryos – we aren’t sure what day they will be frozen as the embryologist makes that call for the most part, but their office is really good about keeping us in the loop so we will know when they know.  Dr. G knew that we had opted for an ARC package and he said he didn’t want finances to be our deciding factor so that he would work it out with the billing/money lady that we would at least get three frozen cycles or would still get a fresh cycle somewhere down the line.  That was a bit of relief for us, we obviously didn’t want to make a decision based on money but with IVF as expensive as it is it’s somewhat easy to go that route.

Dr. G said that after doing the retrieval he wants to go back next month and do a hysteroscopy and possible another saline sonogram (the last two were done by my OB/GYN) to try to find out what is causing my abnormal bleeding.  While I hate waiting to the transfer (I am not a patient girl in any sense of the word) I know that it’s for the best – I want to do everything I can possibly do to make sure that those embryos hunker down in my uterus for 9mths.  without issue.

My Estradiol levels on Wednesday were pretty good at 4161 – so I was told to do our ovidrel shot on Wednesday night which I did and I go in on Friday morning at the buttcrack of dawn for my retrieval and for the hubs to give his sample (those men they have it so hard let me tell you, we get poked and prodded for weeks they get to look at naughty magazines and do their business in a cup – they are tortured I tell ya 😛 )

I’m trying to keep as positive as I possibly can about going the frozen route – Dr. G said they would transfer 3 embryos if we wanted as that would help increase the odds a bit and I’m all for increasing the odds. He also mentioned that it would give my body a chance to recover from the stress of medication and what not.  So like I said trying to keep positive.  In the meantime I’m looking forward to a few months of not having bloat from hell and sleeping 16 hours a day.

As I’ll be bed ridden on Friday I’ll try to post to let you all know how it went – and considering I will be highly medicated I promise nothing coherent.


26 Jul

Went in for another ultrasound/bloodwork today.  The doctor still couldn’t find my right ovary and my left only had about 8 follicles none of which was bigger than 15.  I’m still bleeding really bad from my period, but the doctor said my lining was currently in the process of the re-thickening (which if that’s the case, where in the hell is all this blood & not pretty stuff coming from?!?!?!).

My Estradiol levels were 838, so they have went up from my blood work earlier this week – but what’s being shown on the ultrasound is not filling me with a whole lot of hope.  If they only end up with 8 follicles to work with I really don’t know what that’s going to mean for us.  I was supposed to go back in this Sunday, but my doctor wants me to come back instead on Monday and he’s going to extend how long I’m taking the medication for while keeping the dosage the same.  So I had to call the pharmacy up and order a couple more vials of menopur – I should have enough Lupron & possibly enough Gonal-F.  I really hope that Monday turns into our miracle ultrasound and he can find my right ovary and it’s got a bunch of good looking follicles.  But considering that my body is pretty much refusing to do anything it’s supposed to I’m not going to hold my breath.

TMI Time

24 Jul

I realized after I went in for my ultrasound/blood work yesterday that I never posted what my initial Estradiol levels were.

When I went in on the 17th for my baseline my levels came back at 55.  Yesterday for my ultrasound/lab treatment day 5 they came back at 202.  I tried to look up online what numbers other people had gotten during their cycles but they really did seem to vary wildly.  During the appointment my doctor mentioned that if the number was low he would up my meds, when the numbers came back they opted to keep my meds the same (300units Gonal-F, 3u Lupron, & 75u Menopur), so I’m going to assume that is good.

We did get a bit of distressing news during the ultrasound however.  I’ve always had incredibly hard to find ovaries, I don’t know if they are just camera shy or what – but they love to hide and no amount of violent probing with the dildo wand will get them to show.  Our doctor said that because of the difficulty in finding them there is a chance he won’t be able to retrieve as many eggs as we would like.  He did say that there is a chance that as the follicles get larger they might become easier to access and less likely to run off and hide.  I’m really hoping that’s the case as I want him to be able to get as many of those suckers as possible.  He was able to briefly view the left ovary and noticed one larger follicle that is currently at 7mm & a lot of slightly smaller ones (that he did not measure at the time).  I’m hoping the right ovary is having a similar/better response, but it’s always been the super stubborn one.

I go back in on Friday for my next ultrasound, I hope that it turns out a bit better than this last appointment. I also started a period on Sunday, which the clinic told me might happen after stopping the BCP – my body took it’s sweet precious getting around to that period though as I had been off BCP for a week.  It’s been really heavy, which I was worried about but my Dr. assured me that it’s nothing to worry about.  I’m hoping it’s all done by Friday, because there is something just extra special gross about having the vaginal ultrasound done when you are bleeding like that.

I’ve been surprisingly not emotionally crazed while on my meds – I’m sure my husband is relieved.  I find it weird that the few cycles I did on clomid made me CRAZY but all these medications that I’m currently taking don’t seem to effect me much emotionally.  They are effecting me in other ways though – my back is killing me, I have some sort of strange version of insomnia where I can’t sleep for more than a couple hours at a time which is annoying.  I can easily deal with the back pain though (I just keep thinking happy baby thoughts) but the insomnia is really whats getting to me – I know I need lots of sleep/rest for my body to be all prepared to house a human being and what not – and it’s just not happening which is super frustrating.

Would love to hear what numbers other ladies have had around this time in their IVF cycle, also if anyone has any experience with camera shy ovaries and they might have any secrets to share as to how to get them to magically show up I am all ears!


The Pain Boss the Pain

18 Jul

So just a quick question out there for others who have used injectables.  I used injectables with all three of my IUI’s and had no problems – this go around it’s completely different.  The first week was fine, the four nights a week my husband is home he does the shots for me alternating sides of my stomach, then the three nights he’s not home I do them but I tend to stick to the left side with no problems.  However, night before last we opted back to the right side and it hurt like no shot I’ve ever had before.  Last night husband tried again on the right side, it hurt like hell again – he tried changing the positioning and it still hurt.  So back to the left side we went with no problems.  Has anyone had issue with one side being A LOT more painful than the other? On the left side I don’t even feel anything aside from a slight burning when the medication is being injected currently right side feels like I’m being shanked.

Currently we are only on Lupron, Friday we start with Gonal-F & Menopur in addition to the Lupron – I’m really hoping that whatever this is stops.

So anyone else out there have similar issues?

Back…for reals

16 Jul

So my grand “I’m back” post didn’t really pan out.  It was hard for me to write here when I was in a complete standstill in regards to infertility treatments.  Thankfully said standstill is over and we are moving again.  Loan got approved, we ended up going through our local credit union as the rates were GREAT and we were able to get it as a “first mortgage” type loan since we never had a mortgage on our house prior.  We used a portion of the money to get a new roof & a new furnace things that were desperately needed for our house.  We also had some other things that came up but the rest of the money has been earmarked for fertility treatments.  We went through Arc and decided to opt for the 1 & 1 package, I know it’s kind of a pathetic package but I couldn’t bring myself to commit to anything else at this point.  I spoke with our RE about concerns because I had heard many a time about the first IVF cycle being a bit of a “test cycle” with meds and what not.  He assured me that it probably wouldn’t be the case for me as I had already done three medicated IUI cycles and I would be using Gonal-F for my IVF which they had previously given me for all of my IUI’s so they know how I respond.

Currently I’m in the midst of my suppression cycle – I took my last BCP last night and am doing 10units of Lupron a night – I go in Wednesday for our baseline ultrasound.  Prior to actually starting the suppression cycle we opted for some genetic testing – our RE works with a company (email me if you want the information) that is AWESOME – if you have insurance even if insurance doesn’t cover the tests at all you only have to pay $99 a person and it runs a huge long list of tests.  The only genetic mutation that popped up for me was an issue with Iron absorption- something to bring up with my primary doctor but nothing that would limit my ability to get pregnant or maintain the pregnancy.  My husband tested positive for MTHFR and was told to take a baby aspirin and multi-vitamin and bring it up with our primary doctor but it wouldn’t effect our IVF chances at all.  He also strangely tested positive for the cystic fibrosis gene, I say strangely because we were actually certain that I would be the one who tested positive for it as I had a cousin who unfortunately passed away due to cystic fibrosis – where as my husband has not had a single case in his family.  We had them triple check the results and were assured that they were accurate, so we are going with that.  I was just glad that I didn’t have anything pop up that would make me more susceptible to miscarriage.

Friday I start the Gonal-F & Menopur injections.  I really hope this is it, I look at the percentages and I know our chances aren’t great – but I still hope- there are some days I’m fully convinced it’s that little bit of hope that actually enables me to get out of bed in the morning.  We haven’t told a lot of people that we are currently doing IVF, our parents know and I have two facebook friends that know, I just can’t bring myself to tell more people.  It’s like putting it out there in the world is just asking for badness.  I almost didn’t start typing here because I’m scared, I’m so scared of it not working it’s like if I keep it this gigantic secret maybe it won’t hurt so bad if it doesn’t work.  However, that being said I’m going to try my damnedest to start updating here again I think it’s good for me to let it out otherwise all the worry just sits inside of me eating away.  So while I probably won’t comment every day I’m going to aim for a few times a week.  Hope if there is anyone still out there reading this that everything is going well with you – I’ve tried to keep up with a lot of my “infertility” blogs but I’m fully convinced that feedly ate some of them when I transitioned from google reader – so I’m still in the process of trying to get everything to update correctly.

Fingers crossed –


the ghosts that we knew

22 Aug

We got back from Nebraska late yesterday afternoon, originally we had planned on being home that morning but it just didn’t work out that way.  Concert was a gigantic ball of awesome, amazing and a bunch of other positive adjectives.  The only downside – venturing out into the masses reminds me how much of a “not a people person” I actually am.  I have no problem judging people as douchebag hipsters and there were plenty in attendance.   However, even with all that  it was still an awesome way to celebrate my early birthday and a great first concert experience for my hubby.  How that man managed to go 33 years without going to a concert though is beyond me!!

When we left Monday morning the hubs had just gotten off work so I ended up driving while he slept – 3 1/2 hours of nothing but straight road and corn fields and no conversation – at one point I felt like we were about to star in our very own version of “Children of the Corn”.  However, it did give me time to think or as the case usually is over-think.  I tried my damnedest not to think about our upcoming (hopefully) IVF treatments, about our miscarriage or even about infertility in general.  However, trying is not necessarily succeeding.   It’s always there isn’t it?  Clouding everything, effecting every thought.  I can try to out think it, I can try to drive away from it but it follows us.  I think it will until it’s all finished in one way or another.  In less than a week I will be 32 years old – it seems strange to me to say that.

I remember being 17 like it was yesterday, I remember being filled with sadness and with hope and a belief in tomorrow. My life is currently so completely different than I had thought it would be, that doesn’t mean it’s bad – in some ways it is better and in others it just is. However,  in one way or another no matter how bad something seemed like it was in my life it always seemed to work itself out, infertility is the first thing in my life that hasn’t done so.  I know that IVF gives us a chance to have a child but it doesn’t cure infertility, it doesn’t magically remove a medical condition.  I sometimes wish I could go back in time and have a nice yell at my 17 year old self – scream at her for her arrogance and punish her for her belief in “everything will be okay”.  Then perhaps warn her about the mistakes she will make and guide her towards the right choices that came later if  they came at all.  Life doesn’t work like that though, we don’t get a reset button.  Everything- every choice, every good thing that happens along with every bad thing, every thought, and even every mistake guides us and forms us.  They make us who we are, blemishes and all.  I know that this upcoming year will be a hard one, I just hope that it will also be a happy one.  I want to be done with this journey of infertility, I want a happy ending.  I don’t want to be haunted by the ghost of “what if” and “why not me” anymore.  I don’t want to lose anymore babies I want to see one finally be born – healthy and happy and loved.  I am impatient – I guess that is one thing I still have in common with 17-year old me, a desire for tomorrow to be today.  I have always ached for the promise of tomorrow while having a cautious eye on the past, some days I have probably forgot how to live in the present – that has been especially true these last few years.  I think all of us are a bit guilty of that though, it’s one of those things you could probably file under “infertility” symptoms.  No matter what, I will be grateful to be turning 32, I will be grateful for another day on this earth, another chance to get it right.


“So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
Cause oh that gave me such a fright
But I will hold on as long as you like
Just promise me that we’ll be alright.
But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view
And we’ll live a long life”

Adoption is not for everyone

21 Jul

Welcome everyone from ICLW week – I’m on vacation for the next few weeks so I thought I would post this entry that I actually wrote a while back but just never published, it’s regarding our opinions on adoption.  Please note that these are just my opinions on adoption for my husband and I – this isn’t about other people’s decision to complete their families by adoption so please don’t read it as such.  Also, feel free to peruse some of my other entries; I look forward to hearing from people for ICLW week!


Early on in my blogging I professed that the hubs and I weren’t interested in pursuing adoption to complete our family.  I have always pretty much been of this mindset, my husband on the other hand never had to think about it till after we had tried and failed to conceive naturally.  We talked about it a great deal and I listed for him all the reasons I wasn’t interested in taking that route.  Hubs did a little research and reported back that as things currently stand neither is he.  I told him that if it was something that at any point he wanted to do to please speak up, as it’s a mutual decision and my long standing feelings on the subject shouldn’t be the only factor.

Now what are these “long-standing feelings” one might ask, it’s pretty simple – actually no, it’s not even remotely simple.

Let me give you some background first!  My mom didn’t have me until she was 38 years old.  Prior to having me she was in a craptastic marriage with a man who beat her and one of the “reasons” was because she couldn’t get pregnant. When she was a very young newlywed she often babysat for local kids and one day one of the mothers didn’t pick up her little girl.  My mother tried to reach her and couldn’t and she didn’t really know what to do – instead of contacting the authorities my mother kept silent – she raised this little girl for almost a year before the mother finally came back to get her – my mother was around nineteen at the time and had no idea that she could have gone to the authorities to show that the little girl had been abandoned, instead she turned over the girl that she had raised for a year to her “mother” never to see her again.  A few years later she heard of a family member on her husband’s side who had a bunch of children and had just had another one and didn’t want to keep the baby, so my mother (who wanted nothing more in life than to be a mother) offered to take the baby.  The woman dropped off the baby and said she would sign the adoption papers at a later date.  My mother didn’t hear from this woman for a few months then out of the blue she called and said she wanted her child back, my mother was heartbroken but since the papers were never signed she didn’t have any recourse so she gave back the little boy.  A few weeks later she got a phone call from the woman saying “I can’t take this kid crying anymore, you want to come pick him up I’ll sign whatever you want me to sign”.  My mother immediately drove over to the motel that the woman was living in with all her kids – years later she told me how she found my brother wearing a diaper that clearly hadn’t been changed for days and all the other kids were incredibly neglected looking.  The woman said she would sign the papers and mail them back to my mother, she never did.  She raised my brother without ever “officially” adopting him and always fearing the possibility of losing him.  A few years later another “family situation” happened, this time via a family friend, the woman knew someone who was mentally ill who had given birth and the father had taken the baby. However he was unable to continue to look after his child so he decided to give her up.  My mother agreed to adopt the child who was 18mths old (this was in 1971), all the papers were signed and she brought my sister home.  My mother often told me that she wondered if because of whatever my sister had been put through and her age if my sister was incapable of attaching to her.  While my brother loved my mother and was very loving towards her my sister was aloof, cried a lot and ate like a bird. As she grew up those traits grew and she became incredibly narcissistic and it is believed that she suffers from antisocial personality disorder.

My mother eventually divorced her husband and ended up pregnant via a boyfriend a few years later.  I grew up with siblings but not really, not only were they so much older than me (fourteen years and ten years respectively) we were nothing alike – it was something I believed to really be a case where nature won out over nurture – we all were raised by the same woman but somehow we all ended up with completely different moral compasses (especially in the case of my sister).

I remember growing up and being angry at them because they still had contact with their birth families, they would call their birth mothers “mom” and I couldn’t (and still can’t) wrap my head around that – my mother loved them, she raised them – she is their mother.

I realize that for many adopted children having a connection with their birth families is important to them, but I will admit I don’t understand how you can understand the circumstances of your birth and your adoption (especially in the case of my brother) and still want something to do with those people.

Maybe all of this makes me a horrible person, but this is honestly what is in my mind and in my heart.  The truth is that the number one reason I could never adopt is because I grew up with siblings who were, I felt cut off from them as family, and I felt that they did our mother completely wrong with many of their words and their actions.  I could never ever do an open adoption because of a lifetime of experience with this and after my husband researched the issue he doesn’t feel comfortable with a fully open adoption.  Since the majority of adoptions in the United States are open adoption that rules out the majority of adoption options for us.

The second reason I would prefer not to adopt is that when I was about 25 years old I took custody via the foster care system of one of my second cousins; she was 12 at the time.  I tried to give her the best home I could (with the absolute zero help/training/prep I got from the state).  She had come from an incredibly horrible background filled with every type of abuse imaginable; I thought I was doing the right thing by taking her in.  She fought with me on everything (as was to be expected), she even made up a false rape claim to excuse an absence from school (stating that she was raped on her way to the school bus – which was eventually discovered to not be remotely true), she wouldn’t go to school, she was violent and it finally came to a head when she physically attacked my mother – at that moment I had reached my breaking point.  I called social services and they were absolutely no help – at that point I told them that I couldn’t handle it and they had to place her elsewhere, I was hoping that her grandfather or one of her aunts would step up and be willing to take her but no one was and she ended up back in the foster care system.  I felt like a failure and in many ways in that situation I was – but I was also an unmarried 25 year old that had not been trained to adequately deal with a child with her magnitude of problems.  It was a situation that was set up for spectacular failure from the start; I wish it had ended differently.  However, from that situation I saw how completely inept the foster care system in my state is and how I would prefer never to attempt to deal with them again.

Third and final reason why adoption is not for me is that I feel that you have to almost sell yourself as a couple.  You have to show why they should pick you over everyone else; I don’t like the idea of having to market myself and my husband.  Should the birth parents be able to choose who raises their child?  Of course! I’m not trying to imply that they shouldn’t be able to.  I just know that the bottom line is that in a line-up of potential parents who is going to get picked; option a.) the pretty young couple with awesome jobs, with the nice house that looks like a west elm catalog, who go to church every Sunday with the picture perfect relatives or option b.) the handsome husband with the fat frumpy wife who stays at home while her husband works a warehouse job, with the modest house that is never clean enough thanks to three dogs, who are not Christian and have the type of relatives (at least on my side) that you need a chart or a Jerry Springer show to figure out?  I don’t feel like our chances of being “picked” are that great.

I have enough self-awareness to realize that a lot of my issues might be misplaced, but it’s still our decision to make.  – I just know that I believe in my heart that adoption IS a wonderful thing just not for me.  There are so many families that are made this way and that work out and are better for it and I wish that would have been my experience but it wasn’t and I can’t change that.  So as it currently stands we will be going down the IVF route if that doesn’t work we will revisit the issue, but most likely the only other thing we would consider would be surrogacy.

Sometimes I feel like because I don’t want to pursue adoption that it might mean my dreams of being a parent never come to fruition or that people might think I don’t really care about being a parent in general as I’m not willing to do “everything” to make it happen.  As much as I like to pretend I don’t give a crap about what other people think that isn’t necessarily true (is it for anyone really?).  I always get so frustrated at the people who make comments like “well if you can’t have kids why don’t you just adopt” – like we can all just mosey on down to the local babies ‘r us and pick up a baby in the “adoptable baby” aisle.  Adoption is a choice many people make and that many other people don’t want to make, it can be heartbreaking, time consuming, expensive and sometimes even scary.  However, it can also be wonderful, full of happiness and love and worth every single minute you devoted, but it’s still a choice that isn’t for everyone.

It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy

18 Jul

Today has not been a good day – not even a little.  First some back story; when my husband’s father passed away his house was willed to the hubs and his two brothers.  This is a gigantic house on the west coast – none of them could afford the mortgage on it so they decided to hire a property manager and rent the property out (the same family has rented it out all these years).  It rents very well because it’s a big house in an amazing neighborhood in a superb school district.  A few years later one of his brothers wanted his share of the money out of the house so that he and his fiancee (soon to be ex-wife) could buy a townhouse.  My husband and his youngest brother did the dumbest thing imaginable because I wasn’t around to tell them they were being stupid (and apparently no one else felt the need to do so) – they figured up how much they “thought” the house was worth and then divided it by three.  A new loan was taken out to pay for this (in addition to the bit that was still on the mortgage).  My husband’s brother walked away with $250,000 – my husband walked away with a half a million dollar loan in his name. When we got married we decided we wanted to buy a house, we obviously couldn’t do that with a $550,000 mortgage hanging over our heads.  My husband looked into selling the house and upon doing that all hell broke loose.  His younger brother absolutely refused to budge.  Their mother in a desperate attempt to keep the peace decided to “buy” my husband out – which basically involved her borrowing money and giving us $80,000 for his share of the house, with the promise to figure out a way to get the house mortgage out of his name and into hers.  This was three years ago – the mortgage is still in his name.  We took that $80,000 and purchased the home we currently reside in, we paid for it entirely in cash and because of that we have full equity in our home but no way to get that equity because of the mortgage from hell that my husband is still carrying.  The last six months we have been faxing papers, signing papers, etc in regards to his mom getting a loan to buy the loan out.  Today, we find out that loan is a bust – they won’t finalize it because it would be between a mother and a son or some bull crap.

The ONLY reason we want access to the equity in our home is so that we can pay for IVF – that is it.  My husband talked to his mother today and asked if there was any way she could just borrow 50k in equity off of her house, we open up a joint account which we would then deposit the payments in every month and the payment would be auto deducted by the bank via that account.  She informed my husband that she actually has a 115k line of credit available on her house that she isn’t using, but she thinks she still wants to go the loan route for now and keep trying.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!  (sorry if my language offends you, but I just can’t deal with censoring myself today) . I realize that that is her money and I am in no position to “demand” it but out of all of her children my husband is so financially responsible it borders on insane.  None of our bills are EVER late, we live below our means, I am so incredibly anal about bill paying and finances (I use an excel spreadsheet that is so ridiculously detailed that it would make someone with OCD weep in appreciation) .

If we can’t get the 50k from his mom the only other choice we have is to sue his brother and have a judge force him to sell it.  My husbands family is the most anti-drama family on the earth – so having to make that choice would cause my husband severe heartache and I don’t want to be the cause of that.

I am so frustrated, so angry, so pissed off, so heartbroken.  If my body would just do what it’s supposed to do this wouldn’t even be a damn issue – we would have no problem just carrying that mortgage – but no, my body refused to cooperate.  My husband has super sperm and I’m just broken. All we want is a family, I don’t understand why it’s so hard – why every time we think something is going well some thing pops up to remind us that it’s not.

I am so tired of waiting for a chance to be a mother.  I get angry thinking we could spend 50k  and having nothing to show for it, and then I feel like people will think we “wasted” all that money.  I worry that if his mother would agree to lend us the 50k, I would feel immense pressure for it to work and if it doesn’t work then I will feel like even more of a failure.

I think about the fact that I should have been due next month and if I were still pregnant then none of this would even be an issue.  I think about the baby I lost and wonder if that’s the closest I’m ever going to get.  That alone has been really weighing heavily on my heart and mind the last few weeks, so adding this to it is just too much for me to really process/deal with currently.

The only bright spot in today was that my period stopped, but the small joy of that is nothing compared to the crap of everything else.


“It felt like a given
Something a woman’s born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I’d feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn’t give
And could you be happy
If life wasn’t how we pictured it
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come fast
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
So hard”

I am done with my graceless heart

1 Jul

Last night as we were laying in bed my husband leaned over and whispered a question in my ear.  He asked “Are you happy?”.  I continued to lay there for a moment unsure of what to say, in that moment I was content and comfortable looking forward to drifting off to sleep.  But, content and comfortable do not equal happy.  I am happy with my husband, I am happy with my little corner of the world but there are so many things that I am not happy with.  Would it have been right to say “yes”, would it have been better to say “no”, instead I simply said “I don’t know”.  Because while I am happy about certain things I am unhappy with infertility and this body that can’t seem to get anything right; I am unhappy with my weight,  with my social anxiety, with medical issues going on with my mother, and with stress and loss.  However does that unhappiness equal total unhappiness or is no one either or, do we constantly live in a grey area.  Ping ponging back and forth between the happy and the sad, the mediocre and the magnificent.  If I currently reside in that ugly grey area then I am sick of it, I am sick of walking around with a ugly dark pit deep inside of me, that stomach churning feeling of believing you are missing something, that there was something you were supposed to do but have somehow forgotten what it was.  I let the worry gnaw at my soul until I can feel it in every fiber of my being.

When I asked my husband the same question, his answer was an unaffected “yes”.  I don’t feel as though he was lying, I just feel as though he is better at compartmentalization than I am.  He worries and he hurts but at the end of day he believes that everything is going to be okay.  I’ve never been that way, I wish that I could learn how.  Instead I have always been the person who lets worry and anxiety consume them till there is not much left.  My husband suggested that I go talk to someone, I might.  I know that to be able to have IVF be successful I need to do EVERYTHING in my power to make it so, not just making my body healthier but my heart and mind as well.  I’ve been to therapists in the past and they have never done much good, maybe this time will be different.  I have something else to fight for besides just myself this time around, and that has to count for something.

gross & tired

20 Jun

Finally got my delivery of Royal Jelly – started taking it – yeah it tastes pretty darn bad.  It’s probably also going to take me a bit to get used to the texture as it’s very jelly, grainy & gross.

Trying to get back into the swing of working out; which for me currently is some Just Dance action on the Wii and trying to ride my stationary recumbent bike through an entire episode of the X-Files on DVD.  Today, I also threw in some yard work for good measure, although I’m hoping that some of the stuff I was trying to cut down in my yard doesn’t turn out to be poison ivy or something else just as horrid.  We have sooooo many trees that back up to our property trying to get into them and trim them is ridiculous.  I’m so tired…but X-Files/David Duchovny is awesome motivation to get me back on the bike tomorrow.

Since I’ve pretty much decided (at least at this moment, ask me again in 30mins) to do IVF prior to doing Lap-Band, I’m gonna try to pick up my attempts at losing weight.  I figure even if it isn’t as big of a weight loss as I would like ; every single pound I can possibly lose between now and the IVF attempt(s) will help.

Ugh, it’s storming something fierce around here which I imagine means all those nice piles of branches that I left for my husband to drag to our curb are probably blowing around our backyard – awesome.

Still need to figure out what we are doing while on our vacation this summer – if anyone has any recommendations for things to do in Las Vegas & the San Francisco area please let me know!  Hopefully, I’ll get a little trip planning done tomorrow.




overweight vs. infertile

16 Jun

So this past week I had a big long talk with my husband regarding my weight.  I’m getting so sick and tired of trying and trying to lose weight and nothing really happening (the PCOS isn’t doing me any favors in that regard either). I’ve been pretty familiar with the concept of weight-loss surgery for awhile and the different options that are available.  Earlier this week I decided to do some more research and see what is available in my area – turns out there is a facility in my town that performs both Gastric Bypass surgery and Lap-Band surgery.  After spending a few days looking over various material I could find online I feel that Lap-Band would be a good choice for me.  I am supposed to go to a seminar next month for those people who are interested in starting the process.  It’s not an overnight solution; not only does the process not magically make you skinny it can be awhile before you even have the procedure as you have to undergo some medical testing, a sleep study type thing and some psychological counseling.  The husband agreed that if I wanted to have this done we would increase the amount we take our heloc out for this year to cover anything that our insurance doesn’t cover.

Then came the big talk – IVF vs. lap-band, it’s not an either-or situation it’s a “which one first” situation.  We agreed that we want to try IVF first as neither of us want to go one more year without being parents if we don’t have to.  I have worried that my weight is the major hindrance to our fertility, that if I could lose weight I would magically be fertile (yes, I know that skinny people are infertile to – but this is just the way that my mind works when I try to make sense of it all).  I once asked our RE about it and he told me point blank “overweight people give birth every day, if being overweight caused people to be infertile that wouldn’t be the case” he then went on to tell us that time was a bigger factor (as in old eggs).  So the hubs and I decided we don’t want to wait, we haven’t wanted to wait the 3 years we have already been forced to wait.  We want to be parents more than anything else in the world.

Hopefully, we will get very very lucky/blessed with our fertility treatments, since we are opting for the 2 fresh/2 frozen package deal we are praying one of those stick.  If it does then after the baby is born I will have the lap-band surgery done to better my health as I want to live long enough to see our child grow up.  If for whatever reason our IVF treatments don’t work then I don’t even know what I will want to do at that point.  There is a part of me that can’t allow myself to see that type of outcome – so for now I try to plan for good outcomes.

I wish that I knew, I wish I knew for sure what caused me to be unable to get and stay pregnant.  Is it the PCOS? Is it the weight? Is it some small part of my DNA that I’m just not aware of as of yet?  My husband has super sperm (as the lab techs like to point out every time the hubs gives a sample – thanks lab tech *grumble grumble*) so maybe his super sperm just doesn’t want to deal with my broken eggs.  I don’t know, I wish I did.  I can only hope and pray that a year from now I’ll be fat and pregnant instead of just fat, and hopefully two years from now my family will be complete and I’ll be on my way to being a much healthier version of me.