It’s a little bit of everything

14 Jul

Yesterday I wrote a bit about an infertility story line in a TV show.  I wrote it so fast and my mind was just not working correctly so I’m pretty sure that what I wrote came out as barely comprehensible word vomit.  I’m hoping to expand a little bit on the subject in this post.

I wish my life were like a TV show, the type of sitcom where everything gets resolved in a few half hour episodes.  Where people are beautiful and everything somehow magically works out in the end.  Life isn’t like that though, it never has been and it never will be.  It would be easier though, I wouldn’t have to stress about the possibility of never or of trying to figure out how we are going to pay for something that people are just supposed to be able to “do”.

I watched a show where a couple struggled for a bit to have a baby before being successful, I watched it and saw the scenes that were supposed to be emotional (and cried) and the scenes that were supposed to be funny (and cried).  None of it was funny though, it was like venturing through the uncanny valley lugging my emotional baggage behind me.  My husband and I sat on the couch in silence, neither of us wanted to be the first person to point it out or bring it up.  I finally broke the silence by pointing out the stupidity of how a pregnancy test process was presented.

It also made me think back to earlier this week.  The hubs and I are not the most social of butterflies – we tend to stay at home and prefer spending time together.  The only real friends we have is a couple P&N.  P has been my best friend for about 14 years, we met when we were college freshman and him and I worked at a grocery store together.  He’s seriously one of the greatest guys I’ve ever met in my life and his wife N is completely amazing.  We all four truly enjoy each others company, dinner & board game nights tend to be our favorite activity to do together.  The hubs and I have always been very forthcoming about our infertility journey and this is especially true with P&N.  N is finishing up her schooling and they are hoping to start a family in the next two years, however here lately she has expressed some concern over how long it might take them or if they will have issues conceiving naturally.  There is nothing in her cycles to make her think this, the only reason she worries about it is because they have bore witness to our struggle.  This breaks my heart.  I want to tell her “oh, you have nothing to worry about”, but every time I go to tell her that I can’t bring myself to do so.  Even though it is very likely that they will have no issues what so ever, I know that it is a possibility – it is always a possibility.  I HATE having this knowledge, I HATE that my issues have made her worry about their chances.   I’ve always said that it would be so much easier if my mind was just full of rainbows, bunnies and unicorn farts instead of the crap that clogs it up currently – it’s more true than ever.  My worry has infected someone else, and I hate that.  When they decide to start trying and are able to be successful I know that they are going to be such amazing parents and I’m hoping that our IVF works and they have no conception issues and our children will then be able to grow up together.  My husband and I have been denied so many things in our journey to have children, I would like this one little thing to be a possibility.

So whether it’s watching a TV show that deals (not always accurately) with infertility or talking with a friend, it’s the knowledge that gets me.  It’s being a quasi-expert on a subject I wish I didn’t have to know shit about.   I wish I could have watched those episodes last night and laughed where I was supposed to laugh and feel sad where I was supposed to feel sad.  I wish I could have coffee with a friend and talk about what we are going to name our kids without feeling that nagging “what-if”.

“Oh, it’s a little bit of everything,
It’s the matador and the bull,
It’s the suggested daily dosage,
It is the red moon when it’s full.
All these psychics and these doctors,
They’re all right and they’re all wrong,
It’s like trying to make out every word,
When they should simply hum along,
It’s not some message written in the dark,
Or some truth that no one’s seen,
It’s a little bit of everything.”

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5 Responses to “It’s a little bit of everything”

  1. talesofacautiousoptimist July 14, 2012 at 5:02 pm #

    I can completely relate to this post! I feel like I deserve a Masters Degree in Infertility with the amount of information I know about the causes, treatment, and overall inner workings of female reproductive system. And it totally pisses me off that I know all of this!!! I so wish we could have been one of the lucky couples out there that “plans” to have a baby and then we get pregnant. 😦

  2. German bookworm July 14, 2012 at 6:36 pm #

    Ignorance is bliss! But what REALLY gets me down is when people THINK they are experts, just because they were LUCKY enough to become pregnant straight away…

  3. Amel July 20, 2012 at 1:01 pm #

    Actually I felt differently when I shared our IF journey with a friend who’s thinking of TTC. She’s soon-to-be 33 years old and she even thanked me for sharing about adoption facts and for giving her food for thoughts. I mean, if the info I’ve given her helped her in “planning TTC earlier” (I know they’ve both been talking about it though they’re not sure when to start yet) and in the end they’ll end up having kids, isn’t it all good in the end? If the info I’ve shared makes her remember that not everyone can have babies and that helps her appreciate more the babies she can have, isn’t it all good?

    On another perspective though…’coz we’ve now surrendered to life without kids, if seeing us happy as a couple without kids can help her (if in the end they can’t have kids), isn’t it good, too?

    Just a thought…

    • taradawes July 20, 2012 at 1:44 pm #

      I can understand what you are saying. However, my main point is I just would like to have no one have to worry about it (myself and my friends included). Is it wise for people to plan TTC, yes – especially when we know that infertility can and does happen to many people. But there is a difference between having the knowledge and sharing it with others and wishing that the knowledge didn’t have to exist in the first damn place.

      I wish that EVERYONE could be “that couple” that says, yeah we are going to have a baby next year and then wham bam it happens! I wish that I didn’t have to watch a sitcom and be reminded of the fact that the wham bam hasn’t happened like it “should” for us.

      • Amel July 22, 2012 at 6:23 am #

        Ah, OK OK, I get your point. Maybe I felt the way I felt because I would be one of those people who would actually prefer knowing firsthand that it COULD be hard for us to have kids (oh, how naive I was, ‘coz my Mom had me when she was 32 and then she had my bro when she was 34!). Because reality smacked me so hard ‘coz I just didn’t believe I could be “one of them”.

        Maybe this stemmed from the fact that I love planning too much. I remember that when I first found out that we were IFers, I cursed the day when I took BCP because I was “afraid” I’d get pregnant too quickly (I moved from Indo to Finland and I wanted to learn Finnish first before planning to have kids).

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