Well it wasn’t….
The idea is that you grow up, fall in love, get married, have a baby – it’s all so simple, so normal, everyone does it right? It’s the thing you believe your entire life, it’s the thing you believe when you are 11 years old pouring over baby name books and imaging what your babies will look like with your junior high school crush. It’s what you believe when as a responsible college student you go on birth control, it’s what you believe when you finally get around to meeting the man of your dreams and you plan your life together with that man. It’s what you believe when you decide to “start trying”, it’s what you still try to tell yourself when you realize that your cycles have never been regular, it’s what you are still trying to tell yourself a year later when there is no baby not even a pregnancy.
It was supposed to be so simple – Well it wasn’t.
Almost three years of trying, doctors, “unexplained infertility”, 3 IUI’s, 1 miscarriage, two broken hearts and more tears than could ever be counted. It’s seeing your husbands face at a positive result only to have to bear witness to the devastation that follows when for whatever reason your baby couldn’t stay. It’s not knowing what to say to people who ask “why don’t you have kids yet”, it’s the anger welling up in the back of your throat when they tell you “just adopt” – as if it was just that easy. It’s the pain in your heart watching your friends with their kids and the anger at yourself for feeling that way. It’s the righteous anger of watching people “accidentally” get pregnant, it’s watching people you know who can barely care for themselves have all the ease in the world when it comes to having a baby.
It’s going to baby showers and smiling then crying in your car the whole way home.
It’s avoiding the baby aisle at the store because you just can’t deal with it.
It’s yelling on the phone with insurance companies about what is and what isn’t covered under your pathetic “infertility coverage” – it’s crying into your husbands arms after you hang up because of sheer frustration.
It’s living a life apart and all consuming and knowing that the majority of the people who love you just can’t understand.
It’s explaining to your mother for the 50th time what happens during IUI and IVF’s, but having no answer when she asks you why it’s so expensive or why your insurance won’t pay for it.
It’s knowing when the doctor office calls if the news is going to be bad or good based solely on the tone of their voice when they say hello.
It’s having knowledge that no one should have to have.
This wasn’t supposed to be my life – but it is. I can’t change it by wishing for it to be something that it is not, I can only try to keep going – get out of bed every morning, breathe and just keep going.
I want nothing more than to have a child that has my eyes and my husbands dark beautiful hair. I want to introduce our child to this world, I want to watch them learn and grow and I want them never to have to go through what we went through.
So we keep going – we keep trying. This fall it will be IVF, how many rounds will we have to do and will any of them be successful, only G-d knows that. So we keep going – we keep trying, I try to hang on to that hopeful little girl of 11 who believed it would all be so easy, who named children that she believed she would have. I keep those names on my heart now, for fear of writing them down.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way.