Today has not been a good day – not even a little. First some back story; when my husband’s father passed away his house was willed to the hubs and his two brothers. This is a gigantic house on the west coast – none of them could afford the mortgage on it so they decided to hire a property manager and rent the property out (the same family has rented it out all these years). It rents very well because it’s a big house in an amazing neighborhood in a superb school district. A few years later one of his brothers wanted his share of the money out of the house so that he and his fiancee (soon to be ex-wife) could buy a townhouse. My husband and his youngest brother did the dumbest thing imaginable because I wasn’t around to tell them they were being stupid (and apparently no one else felt the need to do so) – they figured up how much they “thought” the house was worth and then divided it by three. A new loan was taken out to pay for this (in addition to the bit that was still on the mortgage). My husband’s brother walked away with $250,000 – my husband walked away with a half a million dollar loan in his name. When we got married we decided we wanted to buy a house, we obviously couldn’t do that with a $550,000 mortgage hanging over our heads. My husband looked into selling the house and upon doing that all hell broke loose. His younger brother absolutely refused to budge. Their mother in a desperate attempt to keep the peace decided to “buy” my husband out – which basically involved her borrowing money and giving us $80,000 for his share of the house, with the promise to figure out a way to get the house mortgage out of his name and into hers. This was three years ago – the mortgage is still in his name. We took that $80,000 and purchased the home we currently reside in, we paid for it entirely in cash and because of that we have full equity in our home but no way to get that equity because of the mortgage from hell that my husband is still carrying. The last six months we have been faxing papers, signing papers, etc in regards to his mom getting a loan to buy the loan out. Today, we find out that loan is a bust – they won’t finalize it because it would be between a mother and a son or some bull crap.
The ONLY reason we want access to the equity in our home is so that we can pay for IVF – that is it. My husband talked to his mother today and asked if there was any way she could just borrow 50k in equity off of her house, we open up a joint account which we would then deposit the payments in every month and the payment would be auto deducted by the bank via that account. She informed my husband that she actually has a 115k line of credit available on her house that she isn’t using, but she thinks she still wants to go the loan route for now and keep trying. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! (sorry if my language offends you, but I just can’t deal with censoring myself today) . I realize that that is her money and I am in no position to “demand” it but out of all of her children my husband is so financially responsible it borders on insane. None of our bills are EVER late, we live below our means, I am so incredibly anal about bill paying and finances (I use an excel spreadsheet that is so ridiculously detailed that it would make someone with OCD weep in appreciation) .
If we can’t get the 50k from his mom the only other choice we have is to sue his brother and have a judge force him to sell it. My husbands family is the most anti-drama family on the earth – so having to make that choice would cause my husband severe heartache and I don’t want to be the cause of that.
I am so frustrated, so angry, so pissed off, so heartbroken. If my body would just do what it’s supposed to do this wouldn’t even be a damn issue – we would have no problem just carrying that mortgage – but no, my body refused to cooperate. My husband has super sperm and I’m just broken. All we want is a family, I don’t understand why it’s so hard – why every time we think something is going well some thing pops up to remind us that it’s not.
I am so tired of waiting for a chance to be a mother. I get angry thinking we could spend 50k and having nothing to show for it, and then I feel like people will think we “wasted” all that money. I worry that if his mother would agree to lend us the 50k, I would feel immense pressure for it to work and if it doesn’t work then I will feel like even more of a failure.
I think about the fact that I should have been due next month and if I were still pregnant then none of this would even be an issue. I think about the baby I lost and wonder if that’s the closest I’m ever going to get. That alone has been really weighing heavily on my heart and mind the last few weeks, so adding this to it is just too much for me to really process/deal with currently.
The only bright spot in today was that my period stopped, but the small joy of that is nothing compared to the crap of everything else.
“It felt like a given
Something a woman’s born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you
And I’d feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn’t give
And could you be happy
If life wasn’t how we pictured it
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come fast
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy