19 Aug

So, the marching band has returned with great fanfare to my uterus, I was hoping that since it’s only been a month since my last period I wouldn’t get super vomit cramps – I am not so lucky.  I’m going to take the advice from the comments on my last post and call my RE this week – I’m going out of town tomorrow so it will have to wait till Tuesday.


Things have been a bit crazy the last week, I thought that upon returning from vacation and all the craziness that entailed things would calm down – I was wrong. We are leaving for Lincoln in the morning to go see Mumford & Son’s and celebrate my early b-day (I still refuse to believe I am turning 32).  We find out in a little over a week whether or not the MIL was able to get approved for the necessary loan so that we could move on with getting a HELOC for our house.  I’ve been a bit on pins and needles regarding this as we have sooooooooooo much riding on it.  I think the worry from that (I’m a worrier – it’s what I do) has completely fubar’d my sleeping schedule and it seems to be playing havoc on the hubs as well.  I’ve spent time every day at the post office mailing stuff I’ve been selling on amazon, and we’ve also had to play three rounds of “take the dogs to the vet” which is a production in and off itself and requires taking them one at a time because they all can’t be in the car at the same time.  I’ve had no motivation to cook so we’ve been living on crap food for the past week – I’m usually pretty anal about making a super duper menu and following that.  This week we have lived off of pizza, sandwiches and burger king – I hate myself :/ .   Well off I go to eat my tendergrill chicken sandwich and be self-loathing about it. 😛




the case of the mysterious period

17 Aug

So, if you recall shortly before I went on vacation my period started – it lasted for a day then stopped only to reappear a week later and last for a full week.  So, now almost EXACTLY a month later my period has started again.  A month is normal for a lot of people, it has NEVER been normal for me.  I don’t know what to think – I’ve been super bad about taking my metformin so I know it’s not medicine magically giving me a regular cycle – so I’m not sure what could be causing it.  I’m anxious to see if it stays for all of a day only to disappear again and reappear a week from now.  I’m also worried that it could be a sign, a sign that another year long bleed-a-thon could be on the horizon – which I REALLY don’t want. 😦
In all honesty, I’m not sure what to do.  Is having a quasi-normal period something I should be happy about or concerned about?  We are in a complete holding pattern regarding our infertility and aside from contacting our RE a few weeks ago to get a refill on the Metformin, which I haven’t used since (yes-I know I suck), we haven’t had any appointments or anything with them since our last failed IUI.  Should I contact them, should I contact my regular OBGYN, should I just let it happen?  I’m also wondering if this is a sign I should start charting again and peeing on magic ovulation sticks?  Anyone, have any ideas/advice?

Vacation Survival

10 Aug

I’m on a boat!

So, I just wanted to write a short little bit to let people know that I’m back from vacation.  It was good, it was crazy, it was exhausting.  All in all though the vacation was pretty good and much needed.  We spent a week with the hubs family to celebrate his grandmothers birthday which was awesome.  There was a bit of a hiccup the day after her birthday though when she got in a wreck and broke her wrist, luckily she is one tough cookie and is doing really well.  We were still able to do quite a bit of stuff with family and just on our own, then we spent a few days at a B&B that was near Yosemite. After Yosemite we were in Vegas for a few days then stopped a few random nights for the rest of the drive home.  Here are a few little points from our vacation:

Ikea is amazing – and I curse the fact that the closest one to where we live is 500 miles away 😦

Sailing is amazing (even if I don’t know how to swim and clung to my part of the boat like I was going to be kidnapped by a sea lion at any moment).  We privately chartered a sail boat for about 4 1/2 hours in Monterey – it was completely amazing!!! We went with my brother-in-law who is usually completely non-impressed by anything in life and even he was amazed, we also went with one of my husbands second cousins who was awesome :D.  Everyone had a good time and aside from returning with a sun burn from hell it was so amazing.

Mountain air is trying to kill me

The desert is also trying to kill me

The sun is without a doubt doing it’s damnedest to kill me (granted I helped it along by not putting on sunscreen when we went sailing – it was overcast so I didn’t think I needed it – yeah I needed it)

I married into a pretty awesome family – we might be dealing with some little tidbits of finance drama but all things considered it could be much much worse and they are good people.

Vegas is awesome – especially the Wynn (if you ever get a chance to stay there do so – it was completely amazeballs)

The hubs getting sick while in Vegas was not so awesome – so we spent the entire two days in our hotel (most of it in our hotel room – luckily it was an incredibly awesome room)

Driving through Northern Nevada & Western Kansas is incredibly mind numbing.

I’m fully convinced that people in California can’t drive (sorry if you are from Cali and feel that you can drive – I’ll just call you the exception to the rule 😛 )

San Francisco traffic makes me homicidal but the House of Prime Rib in San Fran was worth the homicidal rage – seriously best food/best service ever.


I think surviving with your significant other for over 4000 miles in a car deserves some sort of trophy.  We did pretty well with it though and didn’t start getting snippy with each other until about 100miles from home.  Although, truth be told it was me doing most of the snipping.  I have this weird thing where I can’t sleep if someone is driving for fear of them falling asleep and driving us to our doom.  I was so tired and all I wanted to do was fall asleep but my mind wouldn’t let me so I took out some of my frustration on my poor beleaguered husband.  It didn’t help matters that I decided at that time to clean out the glove compartment and found the program from my husbands senior prom in 1997 (when we moved my husband stored random things in the car and some he had forgotten about – this was one of those things).  I decided some self punishment was in order and found the prom picture with my husband and his prom date (who was just a friend of his).  I made the comment “well, she was skinny wasn’t she” and he responded with “yes, she was”.  In my mind this was the wrong thing for him to say and I spent the last 50 miles yelling at him telling him “I didn’t make you marry my fat ass, if you wanted some skinny chick you should go back to California and get her”.  Yes, dear readers I turned into giant bitch stereotype – I hate myself a plenty for it trust me.  I was fine about 5 minutes after walking in the door and apologized profusely, so what did my husband do – he went out and got us dinner so I could take a nap and brought me back a “I love you” card where he wrote me a letter telling me that he loved me and only me and would never want to be with anyone else and that the happiest parts of his day are spent with me.  Seriously, if someone could please tell me what I did to deserve such a great man I would love to know – because I’m pretty sure there are days when I don’t deserve him – not even remotely.


In news on the “fertility” front – I tried my hardest to not think about it while we were on vacation.  Trying not to think about it didn’t work though, the only time my mind felt truly free was when we went sailing, I was able to just concentrate on the beauty of everything.  Most of the time though it was in the back of my mind, I talked a bit about it with my second cousin-in-law, she was pretty awesome about everything but then at some point she uttered those dreadful words “Just relax” – after that I pretty much just took a deep breath and tuned out her “advice”.  It bothered me at weird times, when we went to Ikea I remembered how we had planned on getting a crib here and how now we weren’t.  I did buy a little stuffed bear though to keep though for “one day” – although the superstitious side of me gave it to my mom for safekeeping when we got home, I can’t bring myself to keep the items in my house (we have a couple we’ve purchased over the years).  Another time it bothered me was when we were at Yosemite, my husband was telling me about how they used to go there all the time when he was growing up and all the things his family did on those vacations.  There was a part of me that just wondered “Will we do those things with our own child someday or will we never get that chance?”.
Now that we are back we will be focusing on getting our credit card debt paid off and once that is done and the crap with the family finances is dealt with we will continue to our IVF treatments.  I really am ready to get the ball rolling!!!

Go Go Yosemite





This isn’t a real post

21 Jul

This isn’t a “real” post – for that kind of stuff look at the next entry and then continue down the page.  However, this is a little shining tidbit of life I wanted to share.  Currently in the process of packing for our trip, husband tries for 20minutes to convince me we can use one suitcase.  We are gonna be gone for like 2 weeks…… I laughed.  I may not be a girly girl and don’t have to take makeup and high heels (seriously how to fellow ladies walk in those things!!!)  – but still one suitcase?  really?  Men are silly.

Here enjoy this video…I thought it was fitting, and I find her hilarious.  **language warning for those with sensitive dispositions – or some crap**

Adoption is not for everyone

21 Jul

Welcome everyone from ICLW week – I’m on vacation for the next few weeks so I thought I would post this entry that I actually wrote a while back but just never published, it’s regarding our opinions on adoption.  Please note that these are just my opinions on adoption for my husband and I – this isn’t about other people’s decision to complete their families by adoption so please don’t read it as such.  Also, feel free to peruse some of my other entries; I look forward to hearing from people for ICLW week!


Early on in my blogging I professed that the hubs and I weren’t interested in pursuing adoption to complete our family.  I have always pretty much been of this mindset, my husband on the other hand never had to think about it till after we had tried and failed to conceive naturally.  We talked about it a great deal and I listed for him all the reasons I wasn’t interested in taking that route.  Hubs did a little research and reported back that as things currently stand neither is he.  I told him that if it was something that at any point he wanted to do to please speak up, as it’s a mutual decision and my long standing feelings on the subject shouldn’t be the only factor.

Now what are these “long-standing feelings” one might ask, it’s pretty simple – actually no, it’s not even remotely simple.

Let me give you some background first!  My mom didn’t have me until she was 38 years old.  Prior to having me she was in a craptastic marriage with a man who beat her and one of the “reasons” was because she couldn’t get pregnant. When she was a very young newlywed she often babysat for local kids and one day one of the mothers didn’t pick up her little girl.  My mother tried to reach her and couldn’t and she didn’t really know what to do – instead of contacting the authorities my mother kept silent – she raised this little girl for almost a year before the mother finally came back to get her – my mother was around nineteen at the time and had no idea that she could have gone to the authorities to show that the little girl had been abandoned, instead she turned over the girl that she had raised for a year to her “mother” never to see her again.  A few years later she heard of a family member on her husband’s side who had a bunch of children and had just had another one and didn’t want to keep the baby, so my mother (who wanted nothing more in life than to be a mother) offered to take the baby.  The woman dropped off the baby and said she would sign the adoption papers at a later date.  My mother didn’t hear from this woman for a few months then out of the blue she called and said she wanted her child back, my mother was heartbroken but since the papers were never signed she didn’t have any recourse so she gave back the little boy.  A few weeks later she got a phone call from the woman saying “I can’t take this kid crying anymore, you want to come pick him up I’ll sign whatever you want me to sign”.  My mother immediately drove over to the motel that the woman was living in with all her kids – years later she told me how she found my brother wearing a diaper that clearly hadn’t been changed for days and all the other kids were incredibly neglected looking.  The woman said she would sign the papers and mail them back to my mother, she never did.  She raised my brother without ever “officially” adopting him and always fearing the possibility of losing him.  A few years later another “family situation” happened, this time via a family friend, the woman knew someone who was mentally ill who had given birth and the father had taken the baby. However he was unable to continue to look after his child so he decided to give her up.  My mother agreed to adopt the child who was 18mths old (this was in 1971), all the papers were signed and she brought my sister home.  My mother often told me that she wondered if because of whatever my sister had been put through and her age if my sister was incapable of attaching to her.  While my brother loved my mother and was very loving towards her my sister was aloof, cried a lot and ate like a bird. As she grew up those traits grew and she became incredibly narcissistic and it is believed that she suffers from antisocial personality disorder.

My mother eventually divorced her husband and ended up pregnant via a boyfriend a few years later.  I grew up with siblings but not really, not only were they so much older than me (fourteen years and ten years respectively) we were nothing alike – it was something I believed to really be a case where nature won out over nurture – we all were raised by the same woman but somehow we all ended up with completely different moral compasses (especially in the case of my sister).

I remember growing up and being angry at them because they still had contact with their birth families, they would call their birth mothers “mom” and I couldn’t (and still can’t) wrap my head around that – my mother loved them, she raised them – she is their mother.

I realize that for many adopted children having a connection with their birth families is important to them, but I will admit I don’t understand how you can understand the circumstances of your birth and your adoption (especially in the case of my brother) and still want something to do with those people.

Maybe all of this makes me a horrible person, but this is honestly what is in my mind and in my heart.  The truth is that the number one reason I could never adopt is because I grew up with siblings who were, I felt cut off from them as family, and I felt that they did our mother completely wrong with many of their words and their actions.  I could never ever do an open adoption because of a lifetime of experience with this and after my husband researched the issue he doesn’t feel comfortable with a fully open adoption.  Since the majority of adoptions in the United States are open adoption that rules out the majority of adoption options for us.

The second reason I would prefer not to adopt is that when I was about 25 years old I took custody via the foster care system of one of my second cousins; she was 12 at the time.  I tried to give her the best home I could (with the absolute zero help/training/prep I got from the state).  She had come from an incredibly horrible background filled with every type of abuse imaginable; I thought I was doing the right thing by taking her in.  She fought with me on everything (as was to be expected), she even made up a false rape claim to excuse an absence from school (stating that she was raped on her way to the school bus – which was eventually discovered to not be remotely true), she wouldn’t go to school, she was violent and it finally came to a head when she physically attacked my mother – at that moment I had reached my breaking point.  I called social services and they were absolutely no help – at that point I told them that I couldn’t handle it and they had to place her elsewhere, I was hoping that her grandfather or one of her aunts would step up and be willing to take her but no one was and she ended up back in the foster care system.  I felt like a failure and in many ways in that situation I was – but I was also an unmarried 25 year old that had not been trained to adequately deal with a child with her magnitude of problems.  It was a situation that was set up for spectacular failure from the start; I wish it had ended differently.  However, from that situation I saw how completely inept the foster care system in my state is and how I would prefer never to attempt to deal with them again.

Third and final reason why adoption is not for me is that I feel that you have to almost sell yourself as a couple.  You have to show why they should pick you over everyone else; I don’t like the idea of having to market myself and my husband.  Should the birth parents be able to choose who raises their child?  Of course! I’m not trying to imply that they shouldn’t be able to.  I just know that the bottom line is that in a line-up of potential parents who is going to get picked; option a.) the pretty young couple with awesome jobs, with the nice house that looks like a west elm catalog, who go to church every Sunday with the picture perfect relatives or option b.) the handsome husband with the fat frumpy wife who stays at home while her husband works a warehouse job, with the modest house that is never clean enough thanks to three dogs, who are not Christian and have the type of relatives (at least on my side) that you need a chart or a Jerry Springer show to figure out?  I don’t feel like our chances of being “picked” are that great.

I have enough self-awareness to realize that a lot of my issues might be misplaced, but it’s still our decision to make.  – I just know that I believe in my heart that adoption IS a wonderful thing just not for me.  There are so many families that are made this way and that work out and are better for it and I wish that would have been my experience but it wasn’t and I can’t change that.  So as it currently stands we will be going down the IVF route if that doesn’t work we will revisit the issue, but most likely the only other thing we would consider would be surrogacy.

Sometimes I feel like because I don’t want to pursue adoption that it might mean my dreams of being a parent never come to fruition or that people might think I don’t really care about being a parent in general as I’m not willing to do “everything” to make it happen.  As much as I like to pretend I don’t give a crap about what other people think that isn’t necessarily true (is it for anyone really?).  I always get so frustrated at the people who make comments like “well if you can’t have kids why don’t you just adopt” – like we can all just mosey on down to the local babies ‘r us and pick up a baby in the “adoptable baby” aisle.  Adoption is a choice many people make and that many other people don’t want to make, it can be heartbreaking, time consuming, expensive and sometimes even scary.  However, it can also be wonderful, full of happiness and love and worth every single minute you devoted, but it’s still a choice that isn’t for everyone.


20 Jul

I didn’t want to add this next few paragraphs to my last post because it would seem haphazard and  I debated honestly even saying something but I would feel a bit like a gigantic tool if I didn’t.  So this is honestly the best I can come up with because there really are no adequate words at a time like this.

My heart seriously aches for all those people in Aurora, Colorado right now.  I can’t even fathom how something like that happens.  My husband and myself were supposed to go to a midnight premiere here in Kansas last night, but we didn’t simply because we’ve been too busy.  We’ve been to numerous midnight premieres in the past and I’ve never once felt unsafe or thought about something bad happening at any of them.  Those types of events are a time for people with a shared love of a genre or film in general to get together and enjoy something.  It’s heartbreaking to think of violence intruding on anyone like that, I’ll never understand the motives (can there even be a true motive for an act like this) of an individual who chooses to end the lives of innocent people.  Just how every act of kindness can change the world sadly so does every act of violence.

Mel said it best here – there are no words for something like this.  The human language has the words “grief”, “sadness” and “tragedy” but we honestly don’t have the words to truly explain those things or to even remotely make them better.  There is no making it better.  One person took it upon himself to end the lives of people he didn’t know, who weren’t doing anything but enjoying some entertainment.  I can’t begin to understand what would make someone do that – insanity? anger? cruelty?.  None of those things would make it okay though and none of those things will ever bring back the loved ones that were just ripped from peoples lives last night.

So yes there are no words and all I really know is that today I called my mom, hugged my dogs and kissed my husband thankful for one more day in this world.




Vacation here I come

20 Jul

So, the hubs talked to his mom a bit more yesterday.  I’d like to say that everything is magically okay and fixed now but that is not the case.  She did say she never meant to imply that we wouldn’t be able to pay her back (if she lent us the 50k).  She asked us to give her 6 weeks to get this new loan straightened out as she thinks it will really work this time because her finance guy laid everything out for the bank (why in the crap didn’t he do that in first place with the first two loans?).  We begrudgingly agreed to do so. I’ve waited three years for all this crap to be worked out, I will give her six more weeks, however we did try to stress that we don’t want to just keep hitting our heads against the wall if this loan falls through.  I understand that she wants to keep the peace between my husband and his brother, but at some point when all the other options are done we are going to have to do what is best for the possibility of our future family.

I’m not a coddler so watching his younger brother get coddled and handled with kid gloves through this whole ordeal makes me want to scream.

We leave for our vacation next week and both the hubs and I are very much looking forward to it at this point.  We are going to try to clear our minds of all the crap that has been going on and just enjoy the trip.  We have a lot of fun activities planned and since we are road tripping there are numerous places we are stopping at (Las Vegas, Park City, San Francisco, Yosemite).  It’s approximately a 30 hr drive there and then another 30hr drive back (that’s just drive time – not including stopping), so organizing everything and packing has been a bit of a headache.  Especially considering how ridiculously organized I like being about everything.  We did encounter some frustration with making plans for stuff to do with his family while we are in Cali with them.  The hubs and I are the only “planners” in the bunch every one else figures out what they are doing pretty much the day they are doing it.  So as it stands they may attend the activities we have planned or they may not – I tried to solicit ideas from others about things we could all do as a family but got pretty much no assistance.  Not because they don’t want to do things but because they don’t plan things.  We are going to be gone for two weeks, my parents have kindly agreed to stay at our house while we are gone as we didn’t want to try to board our dogs – they would flip out.  Two week vacation but only one of those weeks will actually be in Cali with the in-laws the rest is time with just the hubs and I and if anyone deserves a vacation it is that man.  He has been working an insane amount of overtime every week and his job is incredibly physical so he’s been pretty tired on his days off.

Not much else has been going on besides trying to get a bunch of stuff done prior to leaving.  I’m debating writing a few posts to be published intermittently while we are gone for two weeks (assuming I can figure out how).  I have a few posts that I have already written that I’ve been waiting for the right time to share so perhaps I’ll unearth a few of those, either way I’ll try not to just abandon my blog for two weeks – I always worry if I do that I’ll never come back to it or people will think I’ve abandoned it. Also, I’m going to attempt to do a lot of commenting for July’s IComLeavWe this weekend, we’ll see how far I get though – but I’ve found so many new and amazing blogs through it that I hate to not at least attempt to go down the list!




tired of waiting

18 Jul

So in my earlier post I placed The Dixie Chicks song “So Hard” at the end of the post.  Love that song and it’s a song that is very fitting for infertility.  However, because my life needs an appropriate soundtrack I looked at my list of infertility songs and found one that is much more fitting to the situation at hand (I believe), plus it’s probably not as well know (I think).  Also, the title of this post probably would have been more fitting for the previous post.  Yes, I could have edited the previous post to reflect that but for some reason I don’t really like going back and editing my posts (unless it’s for glaring spelling errors). Anyhoo enjoy or if you are like me weep uncontrollably :/

I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

Not ready to let go
Cause then I’d never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Oh I am going down, down, down
Can’t find another way around
And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
I never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Oh it’s coming down, down, down.   

It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy

18 Jul

Today has not been a good day – not even a little.  First some back story; when my husband’s father passed away his house was willed to the hubs and his two brothers.  This is a gigantic house on the west coast – none of them could afford the mortgage on it so they decided to hire a property manager and rent the property out (the same family has rented it out all these years).  It rents very well because it’s a big house in an amazing neighborhood in a superb school district.  A few years later one of his brothers wanted his share of the money out of the house so that he and his fiancee (soon to be ex-wife) could buy a townhouse.  My husband and his youngest brother did the dumbest thing imaginable because I wasn’t around to tell them they were being stupid (and apparently no one else felt the need to do so) – they figured up how much they “thought” the house was worth and then divided it by three.  A new loan was taken out to pay for this (in addition to the bit that was still on the mortgage).  My husband’s brother walked away with $250,000 – my husband walked away with a half a million dollar loan in his name. When we got married we decided we wanted to buy a house, we obviously couldn’t do that with a $550,000 mortgage hanging over our heads.  My husband looked into selling the house and upon doing that all hell broke loose.  His younger brother absolutely refused to budge.  Their mother in a desperate attempt to keep the peace decided to “buy” my husband out – which basically involved her borrowing money and giving us $80,000 for his share of the house, with the promise to figure out a way to get the house mortgage out of his name and into hers.  This was three years ago – the mortgage is still in his name.  We took that $80,000 and purchased the home we currently reside in, we paid for it entirely in cash and because of that we have full equity in our home but no way to get that equity because of the mortgage from hell that my husband is still carrying.  The last six months we have been faxing papers, signing papers, etc in regards to his mom getting a loan to buy the loan out.  Today, we find out that loan is a bust – they won’t finalize it because it would be between a mother and a son or some bull crap.

The ONLY reason we want access to the equity in our home is so that we can pay for IVF – that is it.  My husband talked to his mother today and asked if there was any way she could just borrow 50k in equity off of her house, we open up a joint account which we would then deposit the payments in every month and the payment would be auto deducted by the bank via that account.  She informed my husband that she actually has a 115k line of credit available on her house that she isn’t using, but she thinks she still wants to go the loan route for now and keep trying.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!  (sorry if my language offends you, but I just can’t deal with censoring myself today) . I realize that that is her money and I am in no position to “demand” it but out of all of her children my husband is so financially responsible it borders on insane.  None of our bills are EVER late, we live below our means, I am so incredibly anal about bill paying and finances (I use an excel spreadsheet that is so ridiculously detailed that it would make someone with OCD weep in appreciation) .

If we can’t get the 50k from his mom the only other choice we have is to sue his brother and have a judge force him to sell it.  My husbands family is the most anti-drama family on the earth – so having to make that choice would cause my husband severe heartache and I don’t want to be the cause of that.

I am so frustrated, so angry, so pissed off, so heartbroken.  If my body would just do what it’s supposed to do this wouldn’t even be a damn issue – we would have no problem just carrying that mortgage – but no, my body refused to cooperate.  My husband has super sperm and I’m just broken. All we want is a family, I don’t understand why it’s so hard – why every time we think something is going well some thing pops up to remind us that it’s not.

I am so tired of waiting for a chance to be a mother.  I get angry thinking we could spend 50k  and having nothing to show for it, and then I feel like people will think we “wasted” all that money.  I worry that if his mother would agree to lend us the 50k, I would feel immense pressure for it to work and if it doesn’t work then I will feel like even more of a failure.

I think about the fact that I should have been due next month and if I were still pregnant then none of this would even be an issue.  I think about the baby I lost and wonder if that’s the closest I’m ever going to get.  That alone has been really weighing heavily on my heart and mind the last few weeks, so adding this to it is just too much for me to really process/deal with currently.

The only bright spot in today was that my period stopped, but the small joy of that is nothing compared to the crap of everything else.


“It felt like a given
Something a woman’s born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I’d feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn’t give
And could you be happy
If life wasn’t how we pictured it
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come fast
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
So hard”

there is a marching band in my uterus

15 Jul

Mother Nature thou art a heartless bitch.  Since my last IUI I have had all of one menstrual cycle, today #2 decided to show up.  I go on vacation in a little over a week.  For about the last decade when my cycle does decide to show up it is either 1.) medically/chemically induced, 2.) Lasts for over a year for some unknown reason or 3.) makes me feel like I”m going to die.   Currently it’s #3.  I don’t just get cramps, I get magical cramps that make me vomit.


Seriously, this better be done with by next week.  I’m road tripping my happy butt clear across the country with my husband for two weeks.  Part of our trip is at a romantic bed & breakfast, pretty sure if this is still going on there isn’t going to be much romance happening.  I am not a happy camper.

There is a part of me that wants to try and look at it in a positive way and think “Huzzah, Metformin you are doing your job!!” – but seriously, the timing is pretty sucky so realistic me slaps down positive me every time I try to tell myself that.   Even my husband who is usually Mr. Sunshine & Rainbows couldn’t even manage to put a good spin on this.

A picture of my uterus currently

It’s a little bit of everything

14 Jul

Yesterday I wrote a bit about an infertility story line in a TV show.  I wrote it so fast and my mind was just not working correctly so I’m pretty sure that what I wrote came out as barely comprehensible word vomit.  I’m hoping to expand a little bit on the subject in this post.

I wish my life were like a TV show, the type of sitcom where everything gets resolved in a few half hour episodes.  Where people are beautiful and everything somehow magically works out in the end.  Life isn’t like that though, it never has been and it never will be.  It would be easier though, I wouldn’t have to stress about the possibility of never or of trying to figure out how we are going to pay for something that people are just supposed to be able to “do”.

I watched a show where a couple struggled for a bit to have a baby before being successful, I watched it and saw the scenes that were supposed to be emotional (and cried) and the scenes that were supposed to be funny (and cried).  None of it was funny though, it was like venturing through the uncanny valley lugging my emotional baggage behind me.  My husband and I sat on the couch in silence, neither of us wanted to be the first person to point it out or bring it up.  I finally broke the silence by pointing out the stupidity of how a pregnancy test process was presented.

It also made me think back to earlier this week.  The hubs and I are not the most social of butterflies – we tend to stay at home and prefer spending time together.  The only real friends we have is a couple P&N.  P has been my best friend for about 14 years, we met when we were college freshman and him and I worked at a grocery store together.  He’s seriously one of the greatest guys I’ve ever met in my life and his wife N is completely amazing.  We all four truly enjoy each others company, dinner & board game nights tend to be our favorite activity to do together.  The hubs and I have always been very forthcoming about our infertility journey and this is especially true with P&N.  N is finishing up her schooling and they are hoping to start a family in the next two years, however here lately she has expressed some concern over how long it might take them or if they will have issues conceiving naturally.  There is nothing in her cycles to make her think this, the only reason she worries about it is because they have bore witness to our struggle.  This breaks my heart.  I want to tell her “oh, you have nothing to worry about”, but every time I go to tell her that I can’t bring myself to do so.  Even though it is very likely that they will have no issues what so ever, I know that it is a possibility – it is always a possibility.  I HATE having this knowledge, I HATE that my issues have made her worry about their chances.   I’ve always said that it would be so much easier if my mind was just full of rainbows, bunnies and unicorn farts instead of the crap that clogs it up currently – it’s more true than ever.  My worry has infected someone else, and I hate that.  When they decide to start trying and are able to be successful I know that they are going to be such amazing parents and I’m hoping that our IVF works and they have no conception issues and our children will then be able to grow up together.  My husband and I have been denied so many things in our journey to have children, I would like this one little thing to be a possibility.

So whether it’s watching a TV show that deals (not always accurately) with infertility or talking with a friend, it’s the knowledge that gets me.  It’s being a quasi-expert on a subject I wish I didn’t have to know shit about.   I wish I could have watched those episodes last night and laughed where I was supposed to laugh and feel sad where I was supposed to feel sad.  I wish I could have coffee with a friend and talk about what we are going to name our kids without feeling that nagging “what-if”.

“Oh, it’s a little bit of everything,
It’s the matador and the bull,
It’s the suggested daily dosage,
It is the red moon when it’s full.
All these psychics and these doctors,
They’re all right and they’re all wrong,
It’s like trying to make out every word,
When they should simply hum along,
It’s not some message written in the dark,
Or some truth that no one’s seen,
It’s a little bit of everything.”


13 Jul

So, the hubs and I have been watching “How I Met Your Mother” on Netflix – love the show.  But seriously I wish someone would have warned me about the quasi-infertility plot lines.  Just started 6th season and dealing with Lily’s worries about not being able to conceive is a bit too much.  I never used to notice this type of stuff in TV shows and movies and now it seems like it’s everywhere.  It’s great when it’s done well and can give people a glimpse into the suckiness of infertility but most of the time it’s not done well and either way it just sucks to watch when you are going through it yourself.

All I wanted to do was spend my Friday watching a show that makes me laugh (and has done so the last few weeks since we started watching it) now it’s just making me want to cry – plus it’s just awkward.

Ugh.  I’m hoping to come back around to this subject in a later entry.  Currently though my mind is just a bit crazy and writing out coherent thoughts is just a bit too much to ask at this point. 😦


the world keeps spinning on

8 Jul

Happy belated 4th of July!  We didn’t really do much to celebrate the holiday, neither the hubs nor myself are big fans of fireworks and since we are in the middle of a God awful heat wave having a cook out was pretty much not gonna happen either.  So, we celebrated by watching Sherlock on Netflix.  Seriously, if you haven’t watched that show – WATCH IT.  It’s brilliant.  I’m just bummed that Netflix doesn’t have the second season and we are gonna have to wait forever for our turn at the library (we are 27th in the queue…boo).

Hubs has been working a ton of overtime, we are hoping that by doing so we can get our credit cards paid off sooner (we still owe roughly 5k, which was mainly from the meds for our IUI cycles).  As soon as we get our cards paid off we can move on to IVF and I am incredibly antsy to start down that road.  I just want to feel like we are doing something because currently I feel like we are stuck in limbo.  I know logically we are doing stuff to help, i.e paying off debt, eating better, royal jelly, etc., but even with that it still feels like limbo.  I mean I haven’t been violated with the dildo wand in awhile, I’m starting to forget how much it sucks and we can’t have that, now can we?

We are preparing for our vacation (yes, I am the type of OCD nerd who needs a month to plan a vacation – sue me).  Again, if anyone has any suggestions for awesome things to do in the Northern California region & Las Vegas, let me know!!!! We have a pretty lenient itinerary so I’m looking for some activities to round out the trip.  A lot of people had recommended some winery tours to us, but neither the hubs or I drink wine, so that’s out.

In other “fun” news, we managed to snag tickets to a Mumford & Sons concert about 3hrs from where we live for late August.  I’m jazzed, I’ve wanted to see them in concert for awhile and my husband has never actually been to a concert (sad, I know).  So we are both excited.  I turn 32 *shudder* like 8 days after the concert so we are going to spend the night in a hotel and call it a birthday celebration!

Lots of fun stuff on the horizon, now if I can just keep myself from worrying about every little detail it will be a Hanukkah miracle!

I am done with my graceless heart

1 Jul

Last night as we were laying in bed my husband leaned over and whispered a question in my ear.  He asked “Are you happy?”.  I continued to lay there for a moment unsure of what to say, in that moment I was content and comfortable looking forward to drifting off to sleep.  But, content and comfortable do not equal happy.  I am happy with my husband, I am happy with my little corner of the world but there are so many things that I am not happy with.  Would it have been right to say “yes”, would it have been better to say “no”, instead I simply said “I don’t know”.  Because while I am happy about certain things I am unhappy with infertility and this body that can’t seem to get anything right; I am unhappy with my weight,  with my social anxiety, with medical issues going on with my mother, and with stress and loss.  However does that unhappiness equal total unhappiness or is no one either or, do we constantly live in a grey area.  Ping ponging back and forth between the happy and the sad, the mediocre and the magnificent.  If I currently reside in that ugly grey area then I am sick of it, I am sick of walking around with a ugly dark pit deep inside of me, that stomach churning feeling of believing you are missing something, that there was something you were supposed to do but have somehow forgotten what it was.  I let the worry gnaw at my soul until I can feel it in every fiber of my being.

When I asked my husband the same question, his answer was an unaffected “yes”.  I don’t feel as though he was lying, I just feel as though he is better at compartmentalization than I am.  He worries and he hurts but at the end of day he believes that everything is going to be okay.  I’ve never been that way, I wish that I could learn how.  Instead I have always been the person who lets worry and anxiety consume them till there is not much left.  My husband suggested that I go talk to someone, I might.  I know that to be able to have IVF be successful I need to do EVERYTHING in my power to make it so, not just making my body healthier but my heart and mind as well.  I’ve been to therapists in the past and they have never done much good, maybe this time will be different.  I have something else to fight for besides just myself this time around, and that has to count for something.

I need a nap

26 Jun

So I (obviously) haven’t posted for a few days – things have been completely crazy in my neck of the woods.  We got our foster dog on Monday, we picked her up at the metro shelter about 90minutes from our house – poor baby was completely emaciated and had kennel sores all over her legs.  We brought her home and played doggie musical chairs to get her into the house without coming into contact with our three dogs.  Finally got her into our laundry room to discover that the kennel we had was just a few inches to short to keep her in.  So I made the brilliant decision to just leave her in the laundry room instead of the kennel.  I went back and forth numerous times throughout the day – she is an incredibly sweet dog, wants to be petted and loved and kept trying to crawl into my lap (mind you she’s no lap dog).  I had been really good about keeping our dogs away from the door when I went in and out, but at one point I started to open the door and she had apparently been directly on the other side.  She caught side of our shepard/terrier mix and lunged for her knocking me out of the way.  By the time I was able to grab on to her she had our dog by the neck, I tried every trick I knew to get dogs apart and nothing was working – my husband was trying to grab onto our dog and I had our foster by the neck.  I finally got her to release by closing the door on her.  Our dog didn’t have any major injuries but it did break the skin in a few places and I could tell she was kind of shaken up.  I ended up with a small bite on my finger (which was my own damn fault and no fault what-so-ever of the dogs) and a pulled muscle in my shoulder.  I called the lady who runs the rescue to talk to her about it, obviously there was no way I could keep her.  We finally arranged that I would take another one of their dogs that they were currently housing at the rescue so the spot would be open for them to take her back (if she had went back to the metro shelter she would have immediately been killed).

Took her there this morning, she was around some of their dogs and didn’t do anything but sniff their butts – so I do think it was just a fluke thing, two female dogs who didn’t want anything to do with each other and who knows what else.  I do believe once she is done with rehabing she is going to make someone an awesome dog though.  The dog we picked up today to free a spot at the rescue is a smaller dog, a male, real cute – he kinda looks like a mix of a welsh corgi & a chihuahua.  We brought him home and there really haven’t been any incidents, the dogs all get along together (although our youngest Molly just seems confused as to what this thing is and why is it touching her people & things).  Pretty sure he will be short term because he is really adoptable.  Hopefully I’ll get him to a few adoption events in the next few weeks and find him a forever home.

Also (on the non-dog front) I’ve been dealing with baby mama drama with my nephew – him and his baby mama have been at each others throats and they apparently feel the need to involve everyone with their drama.  I chalk a lot of it up to their age and their home situations growing up.  I feel bad for them and for their baby, but I’m his aunt not his mother and he’s a grown ass adult – he needs to take care of his.   I try to keep myself as removed from it as possible – my house is a drama free zone (except doggie drama :P) but watching it put stress on my mother puts stress on me.

Hubby has also been working a ton of overtime and our sleep schedules are a bit messed up because we have spent so much time running around (mainly to a town that is a good 90mins from our house – one way).  I’m tired, my immune system is completely run down, and I could really use a good nap because I’m becoming cranky.

I wish the excitement in my life could be something awesome like “I totally just won the lottery!!!” or “IVF,  we totally don’t need that anymore cause we got a BFP on our own!!” or perhaps “I totally got to make -out with Channing Tatum and my husband was okay with it!!”.  Alas, it is none of those things – it’s doggie drama, family drama & lack of sleep.   I think at this point I’m gonna take me some hydrocodone & a nice long nap.