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tired of waiting

18 Jul

So in my earlier post I placed The Dixie Chicks song “So Hard” at the end of the post.  Love that song and it’s a song that is very fitting for infertility.  However, because my life needs an appropriate soundtrack I looked at my list of infertility songs and found one that is much more fitting to the situation at hand (I believe), plus it’s probably not as well know (I think).  Also, the title of this post probably would have been more fitting for the previous post.  Yes, I could have edited the previous post to reflect that but for some reason I don’t really like going back and editing my posts (unless it’s for glaring spelling errors). Anyhoo enjoy or if you are like me weep uncontrollably :/

I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

Not ready to let go
Cause then I’d never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Oh I am going down, down, down
Can’t find another way around
And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
I never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Oh it’s coming down, down, down.   

It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy

18 Jul

Today has not been a good day – not even a little.  First some back story; when my husband’s father passed away his house was willed to the hubs and his two brothers.  This is a gigantic house on the west coast – none of them could afford the mortgage on it so they decided to hire a property manager and rent the property out (the same family has rented it out all these years).  It rents very well because it’s a big house in an amazing neighborhood in a superb school district.  A few years later one of his brothers wanted his share of the money out of the house so that he and his fiancee (soon to be ex-wife) could buy a townhouse.  My husband and his youngest brother did the dumbest thing imaginable because I wasn’t around to tell them they were being stupid (and apparently no one else felt the need to do so) – they figured up how much they “thought” the house was worth and then divided it by three.  A new loan was taken out to pay for this (in addition to the bit that was still on the mortgage).  My husband’s brother walked away with $250,000 – my husband walked away with a half a million dollar loan in his name. When we got married we decided we wanted to buy a house, we obviously couldn’t do that with a $550,000 mortgage hanging over our heads.  My husband looked into selling the house and upon doing that all hell broke loose.  His younger brother absolutely refused to budge.  Their mother in a desperate attempt to keep the peace decided to “buy” my husband out – which basically involved her borrowing money and giving us $80,000 for his share of the house, with the promise to figure out a way to get the house mortgage out of his name and into hers.  This was three years ago – the mortgage is still in his name.  We took that $80,000 and purchased the home we currently reside in, we paid for it entirely in cash and because of that we have full equity in our home but no way to get that equity because of the mortgage from hell that my husband is still carrying.  The last six months we have been faxing papers, signing papers, etc in regards to his mom getting a loan to buy the loan out.  Today, we find out that loan is a bust – they won’t finalize it because it would be between a mother and a son or some bull crap.

The ONLY reason we want access to the equity in our home is so that we can pay for IVF – that is it.  My husband talked to his mother today and asked if there was any way she could just borrow 50k in equity off of her house, we open up a joint account which we would then deposit the payments in every month and the payment would be auto deducted by the bank via that account.  She informed my husband that she actually has a 115k line of credit available on her house that she isn’t using, but she thinks she still wants to go the loan route for now and keep trying.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!  (sorry if my language offends you, but I just can’t deal with censoring myself today) . I realize that that is her money and I am in no position to “demand” it but out of all of her children my husband is so financially responsible it borders on insane.  None of our bills are EVER late, we live below our means, I am so incredibly anal about bill paying and finances (I use an excel spreadsheet that is so ridiculously detailed that it would make someone with OCD weep in appreciation) .

If we can’t get the 50k from his mom the only other choice we have is to sue his brother and have a judge force him to sell it.  My husbands family is the most anti-drama family on the earth – so having to make that choice would cause my husband severe heartache and I don’t want to be the cause of that.

I am so frustrated, so angry, so pissed off, so heartbroken.  If my body would just do what it’s supposed to do this wouldn’t even be a damn issue – we would have no problem just carrying that mortgage – but no, my body refused to cooperate.  My husband has super sperm and I’m just broken. All we want is a family, I don’t understand why it’s so hard – why every time we think something is going well some thing pops up to remind us that it’s not.

I am so tired of waiting for a chance to be a mother.  I get angry thinking we could spend 50k  and having nothing to show for it, and then I feel like people will think we “wasted” all that money.  I worry that if his mother would agree to lend us the 50k, I would feel immense pressure for it to work and if it doesn’t work then I will feel like even more of a failure.

I think about the fact that I should have been due next month and if I were still pregnant then none of this would even be an issue.  I think about the baby I lost and wonder if that’s the closest I’m ever going to get.  That alone has been really weighing heavily on my heart and mind the last few weeks, so adding this to it is just too much for me to really process/deal with currently.

The only bright spot in today was that my period stopped, but the small joy of that is nothing compared to the crap of everything else.

 

“It felt like a given
Something a woman’s born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I’d feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn’t give
And could you be happy
If life wasn’t how we pictured it
…..
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come fast
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
So hard”

there is a marching band in my uterus

15 Jul

Mother Nature thou art a heartless bitch.  Since my last IUI I have had all of one menstrual cycle, today #2 decided to show up.  I go on vacation in a little over a week.  For about the last decade when my cycle does decide to show up it is either 1.) medically/chemically induced, 2.) Lasts for over a year for some unknown reason or 3.) makes me feel like I”m going to die.   Currently it’s #3.  I don’t just get cramps, I get magical cramps that make me vomit.

Awesome.

Seriously, this better be done with by next week.  I’m road tripping my happy butt clear across the country with my husband for two weeks.  Part of our trip is at a romantic bed & breakfast, pretty sure if this is still going on there isn’t going to be much romance happening.  I am not a happy camper.

There is a part of me that wants to try and look at it in a positive way and think “Huzzah, Metformin you are doing your job!!” – but seriously, the timing is pretty sucky so realistic me slaps down positive me every time I try to tell myself that.   Even my husband who is usually Mr. Sunshine & Rainbows couldn’t even manage to put a good spin on this.

A picture of my uterus currently

It’s a little bit of everything

14 Jul

Yesterday I wrote a bit about an infertility story line in a TV show.  I wrote it so fast and my mind was just not working correctly so I’m pretty sure that what I wrote came out as barely comprehensible word vomit.  I’m hoping to expand a little bit on the subject in this post.

I wish my life were like a TV show, the type of sitcom where everything gets resolved in a few half hour episodes.  Where people are beautiful and everything somehow magically works out in the end.  Life isn’t like that though, it never has been and it never will be.  It would be easier though, I wouldn’t have to stress about the possibility of never or of trying to figure out how we are going to pay for something that people are just supposed to be able to “do”.

I watched a show where a couple struggled for a bit to have a baby before being successful, I watched it and saw the scenes that were supposed to be emotional (and cried) and the scenes that were supposed to be funny (and cried).  None of it was funny though, it was like venturing through the uncanny valley lugging my emotional baggage behind me.  My husband and I sat on the couch in silence, neither of us wanted to be the first person to point it out or bring it up.  I finally broke the silence by pointing out the stupidity of how a pregnancy test process was presented.

It also made me think back to earlier this week.  The hubs and I are not the most social of butterflies – we tend to stay at home and prefer spending time together.  The only real friends we have is a couple P&N.  P has been my best friend for about 14 years, we met when we were college freshman and him and I worked at a grocery store together.  He’s seriously one of the greatest guys I’ve ever met in my life and his wife N is completely amazing.  We all four truly enjoy each others company, dinner & board game nights tend to be our favorite activity to do together.  The hubs and I have always been very forthcoming about our infertility journey and this is especially true with P&N.  N is finishing up her schooling and they are hoping to start a family in the next two years, however here lately she has expressed some concern over how long it might take them or if they will have issues conceiving naturally.  There is nothing in her cycles to make her think this, the only reason she worries about it is because they have bore witness to our struggle.  This breaks my heart.  I want to tell her “oh, you have nothing to worry about”, but every time I go to tell her that I can’t bring myself to do so.  Even though it is very likely that they will have no issues what so ever, I know that it is a possibility – it is always a possibility.  I HATE having this knowledge, I HATE that my issues have made her worry about their chances.   I’ve always said that it would be so much easier if my mind was just full of rainbows, bunnies and unicorn farts instead of the crap that clogs it up currently – it’s more true than ever.  My worry has infected someone else, and I hate that.  When they decide to start trying and are able to be successful I know that they are going to be such amazing parents and I’m hoping that our IVF works and they have no conception issues and our children will then be able to grow up together.  My husband and I have been denied so many things in our journey to have children, I would like this one little thing to be a possibility.

So whether it’s watching a TV show that deals (not always accurately) with infertility or talking with a friend, it’s the knowledge that gets me.  It’s being a quasi-expert on a subject I wish I didn’t have to know shit about.   I wish I could have watched those episodes last night and laughed where I was supposed to laugh and feel sad where I was supposed to feel sad.  I wish I could have coffee with a friend and talk about what we are going to name our kids without feeling that nagging “what-if”.

“Oh, it’s a little bit of everything,
It’s the matador and the bull,
It’s the suggested daily dosage,
It is the red moon when it’s full.
All these psychics and these doctors,
They’re all right and they’re all wrong,
It’s like trying to make out every word,
When they should simply hum along,
It’s not some message written in the dark,
Or some truth that no one’s seen,
It’s a little bit of everything.”

Seriously?!?

13 Jul

So, the hubs and I have been watching “How I Met Your Mother” on Netflix – love the show.  But seriously I wish someone would have warned me about the quasi-infertility plot lines.  Just started 6th season and dealing with Lily’s worries about not being able to conceive is a bit too much.  I never used to notice this type of stuff in TV shows and movies and now it seems like it’s everywhere.  It’s great when it’s done well and can give people a glimpse into the suckiness of infertility but most of the time it’s not done well and either way it just sucks to watch when you are going through it yourself.

All I wanted to do was spend my Friday watching a show that makes me laugh (and has done so the last few weeks since we started watching it) now it’s just making me want to cry – plus it’s just awkward.

Ugh.  I’m hoping to come back around to this subject in a later entry.  Currently though my mind is just a bit crazy and writing out coherent thoughts is just a bit too much to ask at this point. 😦

 

I am done with my graceless heart

1 Jul

Last night as we were laying in bed my husband leaned over and whispered a question in my ear.  He asked “Are you happy?”.  I continued to lay there for a moment unsure of what to say, in that moment I was content and comfortable looking forward to drifting off to sleep.  But, content and comfortable do not equal happy.  I am happy with my husband, I am happy with my little corner of the world but there are so many things that I am not happy with.  Would it have been right to say “yes”, would it have been better to say “no”, instead I simply said “I don’t know”.  Because while I am happy about certain things I am unhappy with infertility and this body that can’t seem to get anything right; I am unhappy with my weight,  with my social anxiety, with medical issues going on with my mother, and with stress and loss.  However does that unhappiness equal total unhappiness or is no one either or, do we constantly live in a grey area.  Ping ponging back and forth between the happy and the sad, the mediocre and the magnificent.  If I currently reside in that ugly grey area then I am sick of it, I am sick of walking around with a ugly dark pit deep inside of me, that stomach churning feeling of believing you are missing something, that there was something you were supposed to do but have somehow forgotten what it was.  I let the worry gnaw at my soul until I can feel it in every fiber of my being.

When I asked my husband the same question, his answer was an unaffected “yes”.  I don’t feel as though he was lying, I just feel as though he is better at compartmentalization than I am.  He worries and he hurts but at the end of day he believes that everything is going to be okay.  I’ve never been that way, I wish that I could learn how.  Instead I have always been the person who lets worry and anxiety consume them till there is not much left.  My husband suggested that I go talk to someone, I might.  I know that to be able to have IVF be successful I need to do EVERYTHING in my power to make it so, not just making my body healthier but my heart and mind as well.  I’ve been to therapists in the past and they have never done much good, maybe this time will be different.  I have something else to fight for besides just myself this time around, and that has to count for something.

I’m still looking up

21 Jun

Welcome everyone from ICLW Week – It’s been very interesting pursuing other people’s blogs and I have already found quite a few to add to my reader!  I have a very very full Google reader, I read all kinds of blogs but they tend to fall into three categories: Finance, TTC, and General Home (typically about home decorating or family orientated stuff).

I tend to read over every post that shows up in my feed but typically I don’t comment.  This week I’m trying to change that and not just for blogs that our listed for ICLW but for a lot of the general blogs as well.

The majority of the blogs that I read are written mostly by and for women.  Due to this I tend to in my personal life let my infertility become a “woman issue” when in reality it’s a people issue.  Sometimes I allow myself to become very insular in regards to the struggle and not want to discuss it with my mother, my rabbi or some days even my husband.  It is though there is a part of me that feels like it’s my burden and it shouldn’t have to be on anyone else – I should be strong enough to carry it around myself.  I’m pretty sure I’m not the only woman out there that does this.  If I’m sad – why should anyone else have to be sad too?  After reading a few blogs this week of women who are currently going through divorce I’m trying to confide more in my husband.  My heart breaks for these women and just like I’m sure they didn’t want that to be the outcome of their marriage I really don’t want it to be the outcome of mine.

I feel that in many ways I am very lucky. For example,  I married a man who deals so incredibly well with mood swings (thank you Clomid)  – he’s so calm and peaceful that no matter what we have argued about he has never once raised his voice at me no matter how loud I might get.  He tends to be very optimistic when I am being pessimistic.  He supports my decisions and I try my damnedest to be his biggest cheerleader in everything he does. He is kind and beautiful and there are days that I feel like he could do soooo much better than me and when I tell him this he tells me that for him there is nothing better and that he is not going anywhere.  I am grateful for those moments when he lifts me out of whatever funk has settled upon my heart.  I feel like I’ve been with him my entire life and can’t imagine not being with him – the mere idea of it makes my breath catch in my throat and my stomach feel queasy.

So why do I tell you this?  It’s simple really – I think sometimes the journey of TTC is like being on a carousel we keep going up and down and round and round waiting for the day when we finally get the outcome we want so we can finally get off of the damn thing.  We can get so focused on both that final moment and with the next trip around that we forget everything that surrounds us including sometimes the people around us.  Please do not mistake what I’m saying, I’m not implying that these women ignored their marriages or that infertility was the sole cause of their divorces.  I’m just saying that seeing this outcome for people makes me re-examine my marriage and see if there are any areas that I could improve on and there definitely are; I can listen more and not allow myself to let things some times fester in my mind.  I need to remember that this journey is just as much his as it is mine. If I don’t allow myself to talk to him about how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking the day will come when he does the same and the lines of communication between us would be forever changed.  I don’t want that and neither does he.  So like everything else it’s all a work in progress, nothing happens overnight but I’d like to believe that I’m making strides with all of it.  Until the day that we decide, (either by completing our family or by living child-free), to get off the carousel he’s stuck on it with me, a passenger not an observer – waiting and hoping.

This song is perfect for us & I think it’s actually a great TTC song in general.

overweight vs. infertile

16 Jun

So this past week I had a big long talk with my husband regarding my weight.  I’m getting so sick and tired of trying and trying to lose weight and nothing really happening (the PCOS isn’t doing me any favors in that regard either). I’ve been pretty familiar with the concept of weight-loss surgery for awhile and the different options that are available.  Earlier this week I decided to do some more research and see what is available in my area – turns out there is a facility in my town that performs both Gastric Bypass surgery and Lap-Band surgery.  After spending a few days looking over various material I could find online I feel that Lap-Band would be a good choice for me.  I am supposed to go to a seminar next month for those people who are interested in starting the process.  It’s not an overnight solution; not only does the process not magically make you skinny it can be awhile before you even have the procedure as you have to undergo some medical testing, a sleep study type thing and some psychological counseling.  The husband agreed that if I wanted to have this done we would increase the amount we take our heloc out for this year to cover anything that our insurance doesn’t cover.

Then came the big talk – IVF vs. lap-band, it’s not an either-or situation it’s a “which one first” situation.  We agreed that we want to try IVF first as neither of us want to go one more year without being parents if we don’t have to.  I have worried that my weight is the major hindrance to our fertility, that if I could lose weight I would magically be fertile (yes, I know that skinny people are infertile to – but this is just the way that my mind works when I try to make sense of it all).  I once asked our RE about it and he told me point blank “overweight people give birth every day, if being overweight caused people to be infertile that wouldn’t be the case” he then went on to tell us that time was a bigger factor (as in old eggs).  So the hubs and I decided we don’t want to wait, we haven’t wanted to wait the 3 years we have already been forced to wait.  We want to be parents more than anything else in the world.

Hopefully, we will get very very lucky/blessed with our fertility treatments, since we are opting for the 2 fresh/2 frozen package deal we are praying one of those stick.  If it does then after the baby is born I will have the lap-band surgery done to better my health as I want to live long enough to see our child grow up.  If for whatever reason our IVF treatments don’t work then I don’t even know what I will want to do at that point.  There is a part of me that can’t allow myself to see that type of outcome – so for now I try to plan for good outcomes.

I wish that I knew, I wish I knew for sure what caused me to be unable to get and stay pregnant.  Is it the PCOS? Is it the weight? Is it some small part of my DNA that I’m just not aware of as of yet?  My husband has super sperm (as the lab techs like to point out every time the hubs gives a sample – thanks lab tech *grumble grumble*) so maybe his super sperm just doesn’t want to deal with my broken eggs.  I don’t know, I wish I did.  I can only hope and pray that a year from now I’ll be fat and pregnant instead of just fat, and hopefully two years from now my family will be complete and I’ll be on my way to being a much healthier version of me.

Well that just happened

14 Jun

Just found out my nephew’s 19-year old girlfriend who he has a 6 week old son with is likely pregnant again.  I don’t even want to really process this today – even remotely.  I mean seriously, did no one give this girl the birth control talk – not even her damn doctor?

She was just talking about going back to school and now she knows if she is pregnant (again) that probably isn’t going to happen.  They have no money, no jobs, no transportation and they are currently living at her grandmothers house.

I seriously don’t even know how to deal – my husband and I were in the middle of talking about the timing for our IVF treatments this upcoming winter and figuring out the finances when I got the news.

Lovely. 

I’m a little black rain cloud

10 Jun

So this is me today

It’s one of “those days” – I honestly hate “those days”.  The kind of day where it probably would have been better if I would just have stayed in bed.  I’ve been snippy towards my dogs, started a tear-filled argument with my husband for reasons that are truly beyond me at this point.  I’ve tried to listen to music to cheer me up it just makes me angry, I tried to make cupcakes and they just made me sad.  I tried to look at stuff online and it all made me feel miserable inside.

I’d like to think that this is just me being hormonal – but what hormones?  I started back on my metformin but I don’t recall it making me depressed before (at least not this far gone).  I’ve battled with super serious depression in my life before so I know that as shitty as today feels (and trust me it feels plenty shitty) it pales in comparison to other days I’ve had in the past.  The extra crappy thing is that I get so angry at myself for being sad (for what feels like no reason), I feel like I don’t have the right to be sad or like if I am sad I should just suck it up.  There is a part of me that because of all the infertility stuff I feel like I shouldn’t be depressed as there is a part of me that feels like people will judge me for my sadness; and they will feel like my infertility is deserved because “sad people don’t make good mothers” – I know this is all bullshit, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling that way.  Is every day of my life like this – obviously no, I have great days – most of my days are great days.  But some days are just faking it type of days, and other rarer days are days like today.

Some days – such as today – I just wish that things were easier and that life would magically work out like I always thought it would.  I really wish I had more people to talk to but the only people I have are my husband and my mother, who both are dealing with a lot themselves right now.  So I come here, pour out my heart but never completely for fear of being judged “unfit” to mother the child that nature hasn’t seen fit to let me have (yet?).  I know that I would make a good mother; but I feel like others might not see that, all they would see is a woman who cries when she makes cupcakes.

how many eggs to put into one basket?

6 Jun

So, I follow numerous infertility support-type groups on Facebook and one of them posed an interesting question today regarding multiple embryo transfer for IVF; asking people how many they would opt for or how many they have opted for.  Most people have went with the one or the two and it seemed like many of them have had or are in the middle of successful pregnancies.  The hubs and I have talked about it a little bit and decided that two would be a good number as it might up the odds of one of them successfully implanting or if both of them took that would be awesome as well.

Since we haven’t started the IVF process yet with our doctor I’m not sure what the maximum number of embryos he would transfer would be, I would imagine he would do one or two but maybe three in unusual cases.  If our case was deemed unusual for any reason it made me wonder if we would consider going with three embryos.  Don’t get me wrong, I have no desire to be the next octomom – I just keep playing the statistics in my head and our crappy luck that we have had so far in regards to getting and staying pregnant.  IF three would give us a better chance at ending up pregnant I could possibly be all for it.  But then what if they all took and then on top of that they all magically split so I there ended up six babies, I can’t even fathom that.  Just like there is always a percentage of a chance for a positive pregnancy test there is also a percentage of a chance (no matter how small) that the splitting and super multiples would happen.   When the hubs and I were having our IUI’s on our third round I had something like 7 mature follicles – the doctor warned us of the risks but we went ahead, of course not a single one of them took and we ended up with a BFN, but there was still that chance.  The hubs and I have spoke some about selective reduction and I told him that I couldn’t do it – as pro-choice as I am I just would never bring myself to be able to do that, we are fighting tooth and nail to have a family why would I turn my back on what we end up with.  So this brings me back to the initial question – how many is too many, when does trying to up the odds just turn into foolishness?  As of today if we started IVF and the doctor said “sure I’ll implant three embryos” – would we do it?  Perhaps this is all wishful thinking, perhaps I should just be thinking “please, let there be one or even two good ones – and please let one of them stick”.  I should be thinking that, but my mind is constantly going – constantly trying to work out all the angles, all the chances, all the percentages no matter how slight they might be.  All I know is that at the end of all of this I just want a child, I want our family to grow and I’ll do what I have to do to make that happen.

the waiting game

2 Jun

I haven’t been posting here very much simply because not a whole lot has been going on.  Been busy working on my conversion stuff (seriously I’m drowning in reading material) and working on some planning for me and the hubs vacation this summer.  While doing the budgeting for our vacation I realized that there is really no way that we will have our credit cards paid down to a zero balance by the fall when we wanted to start IVF treatment.  The hubs and I talked about it at great length and decided the only solution was to put off IVF till the start of the new year, neither of us are very happy about it as we hate waiting but we know it’s the right decision for us financially.  The hubs and I are very fortunate to live (besides some credit card debt) debt free, our home is paid off as is our car.  However, do be able to do IVF we will need to do a HELOC loan on our house and we don’t want to be carrying any credit card debt when we apply for that or when we need to start paying it back.

I’m very frustrated at this latest news, more of the same ol’ waiting game that I am so sick of .  Trying my best to keep myself occupied but it doesn’t work all the time.  Anyone have any tips for dealing with the waiting game?

 

Saying it best

20 May

On one of the blogs that I frequent someone posted this link – and honestly, I think this is one of the best posts about what infertility truly is that has probably ever been written – please check it out –

http://ilikepolaroids.blogspot.com/2012/01/be-gentle.html

In which I ponder how to deal

20 May

So this summer the husband and I will be going to California for a few weeks (woot woot).  It’s supposed to be a time for us to relax, visit his family, celebrate his grandmothers 90th (I think) birthday; and also time for us to mentally prepare for heading down IVF highway.

In so many ways I’m looking forward to this trip and yet in others I’m not – I am still dealing with the fact that had I not miscarried earlier this year I would be all kinds of pregnant on this trip.  I also know that while his mother and his youngest brother knows about our infertility the rest of his family doesn’t – so I can only imagine at least one person will be asking the dreaded question “So, when are you guys gonna have kids?”.  I’ve actually practiced this scenario in front of a mirror (yes, I’m a gigantic weirdo – tell me something I don’t already know).  I’m not a public crier, I never have been and I don’t want to start now – I don’t want to be the one responsible for dragging down an entire family vacation.  How are other people out there dealing with scenarios similar to this one?

I’m still having the “I gotta pee all the time” issue and of course I’m watching out for any other “magical pregnancy signs”.  I’ll be sitting on the couch and feel a twinge in my boob and think “this is so it – I’m having breast pains!!!”, but then it goes away as quickly as it came on so the truth of the situation probably has more to do with my gigantic knockers hurting periodically simply due to being gigantic knockers.  😦   The crappiest part of this situation – I should be taking metformin, I should be taking it like it’s magical candy – and yet I’m not, #1 it completely wrecks my stomach and #2 I think to myself “what if you’re pregnant, it could hurt the baby”…yes, I understand that I am completely delusional at this point – I’m trying to work this out in my head and get back on my magical candy medicine train.

I don’t need anyone else to sabotage my progress as apparently I am awesome at doing that all on my lonesome.

Bottom line is I need to break down and just buy a damn pregnancy test so I can see the negative and move the hell on with doing what I’m supposed to be doing instead of living in nevergonnahappensville.

well that’s just friggin awesome

14 May

So, the title of this blog came from a couple experiences I’ve had here lately.  Namely the birth of my great-nephew and the announcement on facebook (seriously are they ever anywhere else) that one of my teenage cousins is expecting.

I’ve watched family member after family member pretty much just fall haphazardly into pregnancy, some of whom were as young as fifteen.  I’m sorry (well not really) but it pisses me off, I know that I as an adult should be more mature about the whole thing but I just can’t do it anymore and these last two really did completely break me down.

There is that part of me that is so bitter because I did everything I was supposed to do, I was a good girl, I went to college, I didn’t get married to the first man who came along and by waiting I ended up married to a wonderful man at the age of 29, we researched school districts prior to purchasing our home, we are incredibly financially responsible, but none of it mattered simply because my lady parts don’t want to work right.  In complete opposite of that my “sister” did the exact opposite on all fronts and she ended up with two kids and now one grandkid, while I’m still standing here waiting for our HELOC loan to be approved so we can continue trying.

I guess one of the things that makes me the saddest and has made these last two so different from every other girl I know that has managed to trip over a penis and get herself knocked up is the fact that I should be pregnant right now.  Had I not miscarried I would be pregnant right now and nearing the 9mth mark, and then maybe I could just shake my head in disbelief like everyone else at these two situations instead of sitting here crying feeling my heart break a little bit more.

When my nephews girlfriend was nearing the end of her pregnancy one of my other cousins apparently told my mom “I don’t know why they don’t just give that baby to Tara, it would be so much better off”.  While I am thankful (I guess) for the sentiment it just struck me so wrong on so many levels.  The hubs and I want a baby we made (albeit with help from science), I want to feel my baby growing inside of me, I want our child to not come with strings attached (i.e family adoption), I want to look at our child and see bits of myself and my husband and our parents.

Speaking of adoption; the hubs and I have discussed it at length and as things stand right now we are not interested in adoption.  The reasons are pretty detailed and I will probably discuss them in another blog entry at some point (they are seriously an entry of their own).  Currently the plan is if multiple IVF’s fail we might consider moving on to a gestational surrogate but we have decided to really cross that bridge when we come to it and for the time being just focus on doing everything we can to up our chances at IVF.