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Limbo

18 Aug

So I’m sitting in limbo again.  My embryos are all nice and frozen but I can’t move on to transfer yet.  My period/random bleeding started up again with a vengeance and has been going for about 5 days now non-stop.  I’m using the Poise overnight extra long pads (highly recommend by the way if you are a heavy bleeder), but even with as awesome as those are I’m having to change them out every few hours.  Until the bleeding stops they can’t schedule my hysteroscopy and until I get the hysteroscopy done and they figure out if there is anything wrong/bad in my uterus they can’t do the transfer.  So I’m stuck waiting, and as I’ve said before I’m not a patient person.

I also have been going through mental/emotional hell – not sure if my hormone levels are out of wack or if it’s just everything weighing on me.  My husband deserves some sort of award for dealing with the emotional roller-coaster that is me currently.  I’m hoping that maybe if the doctor can find the mysterious cause of my bleeding that it will also magically cure the emotional train wreck that I have become.

In other news – our central AC unit is on the fritz so we might have to end up getting that replaced, we are trying to make the current one last as long as possible but who knows how long that will be.  It will be about 3k to get a new one installed, I would much rather use that money for future fertility treatments or better yet for future baby, but neither my husband nor myself “do warm”, so if it stops working it’s getting fixed.

My family had a huge family reunion this weekend which I did not attend, the hubs had to work and I just wasn’t sure I could deal with the plethora of 16 year olds in my family who have babies so I opted to stay home.  There are a few people I would have liked to see but not worth it overall in my opinion.  Also, the only reason they are opting for a family reunion is because one of my uncles is incredibly sick and in hospice.  I love my uncles dearly and I hate to lose another one, but it frustrates me that the only time my family gets together is when someone is dying or dead.  We don’t get together to celebrate births and barely any of them bothered to attend my wedding and we don’t have family reunions just to have family reunions – someone has to be dying.   It’s all together very frustrating and honestly one of the reasons I love my husbands family so damn much.  Don’t get me wrong my family is my family and I wouldn’t trade them for anything – I just wish sometimes that they could revel in life as much as they revel in death.

Other than that not much happening in my little corner of the world, hopefully I can get out of limbo soon!

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Back

9 Feb

I’ve been thinking about coming back from my self-imposed hiatus for a bit things are finally starting to happen and honestly I miss having someplace to put down the thoughts that are constantly running laps in my head.

The last few months have been hard – really really hard.  My mother got incredibly sick (she’s had heart problems for about 15 years) and the doctors in our area basically told her there was nothing that they could do for her and that she was going to die.  Hearing this was a shock but thanks to the suggestion of one of my uncles my mother contacted someone at the mayo clinic and my dad took her up there for treatment.  They were able to do what the doctors here couldn’t and thankfully she is still here and doing much better.  I am sooooo incredibly grateful for the care she received up there.  The one good thing is that it did serve as a bit of wake up call for her and she FINALLY quit smoking and is doing really well with it – I’m very proud of her.  A few weeks prior to that one of my uncles took a turn for the worse with his cancer diagnosis and unfortunately it’s been all downhill for him, I try to put a positive spin on things when I talk to my mom about it – I want her to still believe that the impossible is possible, but you can only do that for so long.

Worst of all at the beginning of January we received a phone call from my family in Florida that another one of my uncles had passed away.  He’d been sick for awhile and had suffered a stroke but I honestly didn’t know it was that bad.  My mother took it incredibly hard and I do what I always do when someone in my family dies (I have a HUGE family so it happens every few years it seems) I kind of turn into a stone – I don’t cry (especially not in front of others) and I make myself busy.  When my grandmother passed away in 2007 I wrote her eulogy and her obit, since then I have sort of become the eulogist for my family – when someone dies I somehow get roped into it.  I sat down to write this for my uncle and I blanked – I suddenly realized that this man I grew up around who I loved deeply, I in fact barely knew.  So I set out to ask my family questions – I asked his children, I asked his ex-wife (the one I still consider my aunt), and I asked my mother. I also remembered things that my grandmother said about her little boy – the boy with curls and the smile that could light up a room.  The boy she said she sent to Vietnam, the boy she said never really came home.  I already knew all that my cousins would say – he was a drunk, he loved alcohol more than anything, he could never leave the war behind, he loved his country passionately but could never quite love his children enough.  My mother told me of her little brother, how changed he was after he went to war how she always wanted him to find his way back to that lovable wonderful boy he was – but that he never could.  I finally cobbled something together, but it was nothing like what I wanted to write. I wanted to say that he was a man with many flaws, a man who was destroyed at 17 by the horrors of a war he was not even remotely prepared for, a man who loved his children even if they never really understood it or even if he failed to show it in all the ways he should.  After he died they found some insurance policies he had taken out years ago and paid for faithfully every month so that when he died his children would have something – this shocked them.  This man who couldn’t remember to show up to school events remembered this one thing – this one little thing, and at the end for his kids that was enough – they would never get back the time he missed with both them and their children – but they had this, this one final sign that their dad did in fact love them and had not forgot them.

Through all of this me and the husband have been trudging along – trying to finalize the sell of his family property in Cali to his mother so that we can FINALLY move on with our plans for IVF.  Thankfully this week the house finally closed and he is supposed to sign some papers this week and then we are done with it, I am so incredibly relieved. We can finally move on with our plans to finance our IVF this spring/summer.  In the meantime I have started trying to eat better and take my metformin regularly.  I started using Myfitnesspal on my phone and it’s really great.  I started the second week of January and I’m already down 9 1/2 lbs. Thanks to a suggestion from a good friend of mine I actually use baby stuff as a motivation – if I start to feel like I’m going to cheat and eat something bad instead I go on pinterest and pin some baby stuff, if I’m at the grocery store and I think about putting something bad in my cart I go stand in the baby aisle for a few minutes.   The fertility clinic we use is now offering nutritional counseling, I called them earlier this week and they are supposed to be calling me back to schedule an appointment.  It would be wonderful if by changing my diet and losing some weight I could magically get my PCOS under control and we would be able to conceive naturally.  However, I’m not betting the farm on it so we are going through with all of this with the belief that it will increase our chances come IVF.

Since I took my blogging hiatus – I’ve seen soooo many fellow bloggers have babies along with numerous people that I know.  I’m honestly incredibly happy for all my fellow IF’ers who have had their babies – it’s been a long wait for all.  Every time I look at a baby announcement whether it be in my blog roll or on facebook I try to remind myself that one day it will be us.  I’m trying to not let myself get overwhelmed or saddened by the unfairness that is so easy to feel – instead I am trying my damnedest to concentrate on the positives and so far it seems to be working.

Other than all that not a whole lot has been going on – we’ve been battling the flu, strep throat and numerous other fun time ailments this winter and I think we FINALLY got rid of all of them – they just kept bouncing back and forth between the husband and myself which sucked.  I’m hoping to be able to frequently update my blog but I’m taking it one day at a time, hopefully I still have a few people out there reading it after all this time 😀

-tara

Hiatus

18 Sep

I know I haven’t posted much lately, that is mainly due to the fact that there isn’t much to post.  Life has been crazy outside of the infertility bubble/madness, I’ve been trying to focus on that and it’s taking all my energy. At the same time my mother was being treated for cancer we found out that my uncle has terminal cancer.  We also found that a friend we haven’t seen in a few years who has been fighting a heart condition is terminal and has been given only a few months to live – he will leave behind his wife and a very young daughter.  Last week the day before hearing the news about my uncle, one of my dear friends lost her best friend to murder – it was violent, senseless and tragic in so many ways and has haunted me since then.  I’ve always been good at swallowing my feelings and trying to shove my grief/sadness/pain as far down as it will go but honestly you can only have room for so much, till you are spent.  I am spent.  I have reached that point in so many ways, I can’t talk about infertility right now – we aren’t in the middle of treatments and won’t be till after the first of the year.  I hope to come back then, better and ready to fight for the family my husband and I so desperately want.  Today though I have no fight in me – not for me, not for this.  There is so much pain, sadness and grief in this world and for the people in my family and circle it never seems to happen over time it always seems to happen in clusters, clusters of tragedy and despair that happen without warning and leave you feeling like you have been punched in the gut or have forgotten how to breathe.

Late last month I was in desperate mourning, I was mourning for the baby my husband and I lost – on my birthday I had the realization that s/he would have been born near that day – and it filled me with overwhelming sadness like nothing I had felt before. Since then everything has been a domino effect, one after another.  I’m stepping back for now – spending time with people who don’t have much time.  I wish everyone the best of luck on their journey in the coming months, hopefully I come back and my reader is full of good and joyous news – the world needs more of it.

random

19 Aug

So, the marching band has returned with great fanfare to my uterus, I was hoping that since it’s only been a month since my last period I wouldn’t get super vomit cramps – I am not so lucky.  I’m going to take the advice from the comments on my last post and call my RE this week – I’m going out of town tomorrow so it will have to wait till Tuesday.

 

Things have been a bit crazy the last week, I thought that upon returning from vacation and all the craziness that entailed things would calm down – I was wrong. We are leaving for Lincoln in the morning to go see Mumford & Son’s and celebrate my early b-day (I still refuse to believe I am turning 32).  We find out in a little over a week whether or not the MIL was able to get approved for the necessary loan so that we could move on with getting a HELOC for our house.  I’ve been a bit on pins and needles regarding this as we have sooooooooooo much riding on it.  I think the worry from that (I’m a worrier – it’s what I do) has completely fubar’d my sleeping schedule and it seems to be playing havoc on the hubs as well.  I’ve spent time every day at the post office mailing stuff I’ve been selling on amazon, and we’ve also had to play three rounds of “take the dogs to the vet” which is a production in and off itself and requires taking them one at a time because they all can’t be in the car at the same time.  I’ve had no motivation to cook so we’ve been living on crap food for the past week – I’m usually pretty anal about making a super duper menu and following that.  This week we have lived off of pizza, sandwiches and burger king – I hate myself :/ .   Well off I go to eat my tendergrill chicken sandwich and be self-loathing about it. 😛

 

 

Vacation Survival

10 Aug

I’m on a boat!

So, I just wanted to write a short little bit to let people know that I’m back from vacation.  It was good, it was crazy, it was exhausting.  All in all though the vacation was pretty good and much needed.  We spent a week with the hubs family to celebrate his grandmothers birthday which was awesome.  There was a bit of a hiccup the day after her birthday though when she got in a wreck and broke her wrist, luckily she is one tough cookie and is doing really well.  We were still able to do quite a bit of stuff with family and just on our own, then we spent a few days at a B&B that was near Yosemite. After Yosemite we were in Vegas for a few days then stopped a few random nights for the rest of the drive home.  Here are a few little points from our vacation:

Ikea is amazing – and I curse the fact that the closest one to where we live is 500 miles away 😦

Sailing is amazing (even if I don’t know how to swim and clung to my part of the boat like I was going to be kidnapped by a sea lion at any moment).  We privately chartered a sail boat for about 4 1/2 hours in Monterey – it was completely amazing!!! We went with my brother-in-law who is usually completely non-impressed by anything in life and even he was amazed, we also went with one of my husbands second cousins who was awesome :D.  Everyone had a good time and aside from returning with a sun burn from hell it was so amazing.

Mountain air is trying to kill me

The desert is also trying to kill me

The sun is without a doubt doing it’s damnedest to kill me (granted I helped it along by not putting on sunscreen when we went sailing – it was overcast so I didn’t think I needed it – yeah I needed it)

I married into a pretty awesome family – we might be dealing with some little tidbits of finance drama but all things considered it could be much much worse and they are good people.

Vegas is awesome – especially the Wynn (if you ever get a chance to stay there do so – it was completely amazeballs)

The hubs getting sick while in Vegas was not so awesome – so we spent the entire two days in our hotel (most of it in our hotel room – luckily it was an incredibly awesome room)

Driving through Northern Nevada & Western Kansas is incredibly mind numbing.

I’m fully convinced that people in California can’t drive (sorry if you are from Cali and feel that you can drive – I’ll just call you the exception to the rule 😛 )

San Francisco traffic makes me homicidal but the House of Prime Rib in San Fran was worth the homicidal rage – seriously best food/best service ever.

 

I think surviving with your significant other for over 4000 miles in a car deserves some sort of trophy.  We did pretty well with it though and didn’t start getting snippy with each other until about 100miles from home.  Although, truth be told it was me doing most of the snipping.  I have this weird thing where I can’t sleep if someone is driving for fear of them falling asleep and driving us to our doom.  I was so tired and all I wanted to do was fall asleep but my mind wouldn’t let me so I took out some of my frustration on my poor beleaguered husband.  It didn’t help matters that I decided at that time to clean out the glove compartment and found the program from my husbands senior prom in 1997 (when we moved my husband stored random things in the car and some he had forgotten about – this was one of those things).  I decided some self punishment was in order and found the prom picture with my husband and his prom date (who was just a friend of his).  I made the comment “well, she was skinny wasn’t she” and he responded with “yes, she was”.  In my mind this was the wrong thing for him to say and I spent the last 50 miles yelling at him telling him “I didn’t make you marry my fat ass, if you wanted some skinny chick you should go back to California and get her”.  Yes, dear readers I turned into giant bitch stereotype – I hate myself a plenty for it trust me.  I was fine about 5 minutes after walking in the door and apologized profusely, so what did my husband do – he went out and got us dinner so I could take a nap and brought me back a “I love you” card where he wrote me a letter telling me that he loved me and only me and would never want to be with anyone else and that the happiest parts of his day are spent with me.  Seriously, if someone could please tell me what I did to deserve such a great man I would love to know – because I’m pretty sure there are days when I don’t deserve him – not even remotely.

 

In news on the “fertility” front – I tried my hardest to not think about it while we were on vacation.  Trying not to think about it didn’t work though, the only time my mind felt truly free was when we went sailing, I was able to just concentrate on the beauty of everything.  Most of the time though it was in the back of my mind, I talked a bit about it with my second cousin-in-law, she was pretty awesome about everything but then at some point she uttered those dreadful words “Just relax” – after that I pretty much just took a deep breath and tuned out her “advice”.  It bothered me at weird times, when we went to Ikea I remembered how we had planned on getting a crib here and how now we weren’t.  I did buy a little stuffed bear though to keep though for “one day” – although the superstitious side of me gave it to my mom for safekeeping when we got home, I can’t bring myself to keep the items in my house (we have a couple we’ve purchased over the years).  Another time it bothered me was when we were at Yosemite, my husband was telling me about how they used to go there all the time when he was growing up and all the things his family did on those vacations.  There was a part of me that just wondered “Will we do those things with our own child someday or will we never get that chance?”.
Now that we are back we will be focusing on getting our credit card debt paid off and once that is done and the crap with the family finances is dealt with we will continue to our IVF treatments.  I really am ready to get the ball rolling!!!

Go Go Yosemite

 

 

 

 

This isn’t a real post

21 Jul

This isn’t a “real” post – for that kind of stuff look at the next entry and then continue down the page.  However, this is a little shining tidbit of life I wanted to share.  Currently in the process of packing for our trip, husband tries for 20minutes to convince me we can use one suitcase.  We are gonna be gone for like 2 weeks…… I laughed.  I may not be a girly girl and don’t have to take makeup and high heels (seriously how to fellow ladies walk in those things!!!)  – but still one suitcase?  really?  Men are silly.

Here enjoy this video…I thought it was fitting, and I find her hilarious.  **language warning for those with sensitive dispositions – or some crap**

Sadness

20 Jul

I didn’t want to add this next few paragraphs to my last post because it would seem haphazard and  I debated honestly even saying something but I would feel a bit like a gigantic tool if I didn’t.  So this is honestly the best I can come up with because there really are no adequate words at a time like this.

My heart seriously aches for all those people in Aurora, Colorado right now.  I can’t even fathom how something like that happens.  My husband and myself were supposed to go to a midnight premiere here in Kansas last night, but we didn’t simply because we’ve been too busy.  We’ve been to numerous midnight premieres in the past and I’ve never once felt unsafe or thought about something bad happening at any of them.  Those types of events are a time for people with a shared love of a genre or film in general to get together and enjoy something.  It’s heartbreaking to think of violence intruding on anyone like that, I’ll never understand the motives (can there even be a true motive for an act like this) of an individual who chooses to end the lives of innocent people.  Just how every act of kindness can change the world sadly so does every act of violence.

Mel said it best here – there are no words for something like this.  The human language has the words “grief”, “sadness” and “tragedy” but we honestly don’t have the words to truly explain those things or to even remotely make them better.  There is no making it better.  One person took it upon himself to end the lives of people he didn’t know, who weren’t doing anything but enjoying some entertainment.  I can’t begin to understand what would make someone do that – insanity? anger? cruelty?.  None of those things would make it okay though and none of those things will ever bring back the loved ones that were just ripped from peoples lives last night.

So yes there are no words and all I really know is that today I called my mom, hugged my dogs and kissed my husband thankful for one more day in this world.

 

 

 

Vacation here I come

20 Jul

So, the hubs talked to his mom a bit more yesterday.  I’d like to say that everything is magically okay and fixed now but that is not the case.  She did say she never meant to imply that we wouldn’t be able to pay her back (if she lent us the 50k).  She asked us to give her 6 weeks to get this new loan straightened out as she thinks it will really work this time because her finance guy laid everything out for the bank (why in the crap didn’t he do that in first place with the first two loans?).  We begrudgingly agreed to do so. I’ve waited three years for all this crap to be worked out, I will give her six more weeks, however we did try to stress that we don’t want to just keep hitting our heads against the wall if this loan falls through.  I understand that she wants to keep the peace between my husband and his brother, but at some point when all the other options are done we are going to have to do what is best for the possibility of our future family.

I’m not a coddler so watching his younger brother get coddled and handled with kid gloves through this whole ordeal makes me want to scream.

We leave for our vacation next week and both the hubs and I are very much looking forward to it at this point.  We are going to try to clear our minds of all the crap that has been going on and just enjoy the trip.  We have a lot of fun activities planned and since we are road tripping there are numerous places we are stopping at (Las Vegas, Park City, San Francisco, Yosemite).  It’s approximately a 30 hr drive there and then another 30hr drive back (that’s just drive time – not including stopping), so organizing everything and packing has been a bit of a headache.  Especially considering how ridiculously organized I like being about everything.  We did encounter some frustration with making plans for stuff to do with his family while we are in Cali with them.  The hubs and I are the only “planners” in the bunch every one else figures out what they are doing pretty much the day they are doing it.  So as it stands they may attend the activities we have planned or they may not – I tried to solicit ideas from others about things we could all do as a family but got pretty much no assistance.  Not because they don’t want to do things but because they don’t plan things.  We are going to be gone for two weeks, my parents have kindly agreed to stay at our house while we are gone as we didn’t want to try to board our dogs – they would flip out.  Two week vacation but only one of those weeks will actually be in Cali with the in-laws the rest is time with just the hubs and I and if anyone deserves a vacation it is that man.  He has been working an insane amount of overtime every week and his job is incredibly physical so he’s been pretty tired on his days off.

Not much else has been going on besides trying to get a bunch of stuff done prior to leaving.  I’m debating writing a few posts to be published intermittently while we are gone for two weeks (assuming I can figure out how).  I have a few posts that I have already written that I’ve been waiting for the right time to share so perhaps I’ll unearth a few of those, either way I’ll try not to just abandon my blog for two weeks – I always worry if I do that I’ll never come back to it or people will think I’ve abandoned it. Also, I’m going to attempt to do a lot of commenting for July’s IComLeavWe this weekend, we’ll see how far I get though – but I’ve found so many new and amazing blogs through it that I hate to not at least attempt to go down the list!

 

 

 

the world keeps spinning on

8 Jul

Happy belated 4th of July!  We didn’t really do much to celebrate the holiday, neither the hubs nor myself are big fans of fireworks and since we are in the middle of a God awful heat wave having a cook out was pretty much not gonna happen either.  So, we celebrated by watching Sherlock on Netflix.  Seriously, if you haven’t watched that show – WATCH IT.  It’s brilliant.  I’m just bummed that Netflix doesn’t have the second season and we are gonna have to wait forever for our turn at the library (we are 27th in the queue…boo).

Hubs has been working a ton of overtime, we are hoping that by doing so we can get our credit cards paid off sooner (we still owe roughly 5k, which was mainly from the meds for our IUI cycles).  As soon as we get our cards paid off we can move on to IVF and I am incredibly antsy to start down that road.  I just want to feel like we are doing something because currently I feel like we are stuck in limbo.  I know logically we are doing stuff to help, i.e paying off debt, eating better, royal jelly, etc., but even with that it still feels like limbo.  I mean I haven’t been violated with the dildo wand in awhile, I’m starting to forget how much it sucks and we can’t have that, now can we?

We are preparing for our vacation (yes, I am the type of OCD nerd who needs a month to plan a vacation – sue me).  Again, if anyone has any suggestions for awesome things to do in the Northern California region & Las Vegas, let me know!!!! We have a pretty lenient itinerary so I’m looking for some activities to round out the trip.  A lot of people had recommended some winery tours to us, but neither the hubs or I drink wine, so that’s out.

In other “fun” news, we managed to snag tickets to a Mumford & Sons concert about 3hrs from where we live for late August.  I’m jazzed, I’ve wanted to see them in concert for awhile and my husband has never actually been to a concert (sad, I know).  So we are both excited.  I turn 32 *shudder* like 8 days after the concert so we are going to spend the night in a hotel and call it a birthday celebration!

Lots of fun stuff on the horizon, now if I can just keep myself from worrying about every little detail it will be a Hanukkah miracle!

I need a nap

26 Jun

So I (obviously) haven’t posted for a few days – things have been completely crazy in my neck of the woods.  We got our foster dog on Monday, we picked her up at the metro shelter about 90minutes from our house – poor baby was completely emaciated and had kennel sores all over her legs.  We brought her home and played doggie musical chairs to get her into the house without coming into contact with our three dogs.  Finally got her into our laundry room to discover that the kennel we had was just a few inches to short to keep her in.  So I made the brilliant decision to just leave her in the laundry room instead of the kennel.  I went back and forth numerous times throughout the day – she is an incredibly sweet dog, wants to be petted and loved and kept trying to crawl into my lap (mind you she’s no lap dog).  I had been really good about keeping our dogs away from the door when I went in and out, but at one point I started to open the door and she had apparently been directly on the other side.  She caught side of our shepard/terrier mix and lunged for her knocking me out of the way.  By the time I was able to grab on to her she had our dog by the neck, I tried every trick I knew to get dogs apart and nothing was working – my husband was trying to grab onto our dog and I had our foster by the neck.  I finally got her to release by closing the door on her.  Our dog didn’t have any major injuries but it did break the skin in a few places and I could tell she was kind of shaken up.  I ended up with a small bite on my finger (which was my own damn fault and no fault what-so-ever of the dogs) and a pulled muscle in my shoulder.  I called the lady who runs the rescue to talk to her about it, obviously there was no way I could keep her.  We finally arranged that I would take another one of their dogs that they were currently housing at the rescue so the spot would be open for them to take her back (if she had went back to the metro shelter she would have immediately been killed).

Took her there this morning, she was around some of their dogs and didn’t do anything but sniff their butts – so I do think it was just a fluke thing, two female dogs who didn’t want anything to do with each other and who knows what else.  I do believe once she is done with rehabing she is going to make someone an awesome dog though.  The dog we picked up today to free a spot at the rescue is a smaller dog, a male, real cute – he kinda looks like a mix of a welsh corgi & a chihuahua.  We brought him home and there really haven’t been any incidents, the dogs all get along together (although our youngest Molly just seems confused as to what this thing is and why is it touching her people & things).  Pretty sure he will be short term because he is really adoptable.  Hopefully I’ll get him to a few adoption events in the next few weeks and find him a forever home.

Also (on the non-dog front) I’ve been dealing with baby mama drama with my nephew – him and his baby mama have been at each others throats and they apparently feel the need to involve everyone with their drama.  I chalk a lot of it up to their age and their home situations growing up.  I feel bad for them and for their baby, but I’m his aunt not his mother and he’s a grown ass adult – he needs to take care of his.   I try to keep myself as removed from it as possible – my house is a drama free zone (except doggie drama :P) but watching it put stress on my mother puts stress on me.

Hubby has also been working a ton of overtime and our sleep schedules are a bit messed up because we have spent so much time running around (mainly to a town that is a good 90mins from our house – one way).  I’m tired, my immune system is completely run down, and I could really use a good nap because I’m becoming cranky.

I wish the excitement in my life could be something awesome like “I totally just won the lottery!!!” or “IVF,  we totally don’t need that anymore cause we got a BFP on our own!!” or perhaps “I totally got to make -out with Channing Tatum and my husband was okay with it!!”.  Alas, it is none of those things – it’s doggie drama, family drama & lack of sleep.   I think at this point I’m gonna take me some hydrocodone & a nice long nap.

gross & tired

20 Jun

Finally got my delivery of Royal Jelly – started taking it – yeah it tastes pretty darn bad.  It’s probably also going to take me a bit to get used to the texture as it’s very jelly, grainy & gross.

Trying to get back into the swing of working out; which for me currently is some Just Dance action on the Wii and trying to ride my stationary recumbent bike through an entire episode of the X-Files on DVD.  Today, I also threw in some yard work for good measure, although I’m hoping that some of the stuff I was trying to cut down in my yard doesn’t turn out to be poison ivy or something else just as horrid.  We have sooooo many trees that back up to our property trying to get into them and trim them is ridiculous.  I’m so tired…but X-Files/David Duchovny is awesome motivation to get me back on the bike tomorrow.

Since I’ve pretty much decided (at least at this moment, ask me again in 30mins) to do IVF prior to doing Lap-Band, I’m gonna try to pick up my attempts at losing weight.  I figure even if it isn’t as big of a weight loss as I would like ; every single pound I can possibly lose between now and the IVF attempt(s) will help.

Ugh, it’s storming something fierce around here which I imagine means all those nice piles of branches that I left for my husband to drag to our curb are probably blowing around our backyard – awesome.

Still need to figure out what we are doing while on our vacation this summer – if anyone has any recommendations for things to do in Las Vegas & the San Francisco area please let me know!  Hopefully, I’ll get a little trip planning done tomorrow.

 

 

 

Father’s Day

17 Jun

Two years ago while shopping for a Father’s day card for my dad I happened upon one that described the type of father I believe my husband will be perfectly, and I bought it.  It has remained in a box in our closet since then – I had seriously hoped that this year would be the year I was able to use it but that was not the case.  I still hold onto it though because I have to believe that one day I will be able to give it to him and tell him that I bought it before we knew and before the struggle and that even though I didn’t know when I’d get to use it I still believed that one day I would finally get to give it to him.

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Father’s day has always been a bit of strange holiday for me – I have a father, I have an awesome amazing father, but he wasn’t there the day I was born and I don’t share any of his DNA,.  My mother had been friends with him when I was a baby and ended up falling in love with him, they started dating when I was about four years old – they have never been married but have lived together since I was five.  When I introduce him to other people I introduce him as my dad, I refer to him as my dad but I’ve never called him dad.  I have called him by a nickname given to him by some friends when he was younger for as long as I can remember.

There is a part of me that wishes I could call him “Dad”, but my parents never forced it and when I think about trying to say it it just seems weird to me.  For me the man I always referred to as “Dad” was the guy who was drunk at the birthday parties he could remember to show up for, it was the guy who called my mother horrible names long after they had been divorced, it was the guy who yelled and sometimes did more than yell.  I haven’t referred to that man for years by anything other than his given name, he took the idea of “Dad” and made me hate the word for a really long time.  The man who raised me I call him Dino, he’s the guy who was always there for me, the one who helped me pursue my dreams, he’s the one who has always believed in me and loved me.  Maybe that’s how it was supposed to be though, our relationship was always pretty close but he has rarely ever called me by my given name instead there is a nickname he gave me when I was little and it stuck, and still to this day he (and only he) uses it.  Perhaps that is our language for father/daughter.  This man who raised me, I am more like him than the man who I share my DNA with – we may not look alike but we are very alike. He is my father and I am his daughter, and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

Happy Father’s Day to all the men out there who are wonderful fathers or will be one someday 😀 

ebony & ivory

weekly roundup

16 Jun

Here are some tidbits from my week:

* I placed an order for Royal Jelly (as per one of my posts earlier this week) and supposedly it was delivered according to UPS but it and the present we ordered for my father magically went missing.  We are pretty sure the issue was on UPS’s end and not that one of our shady neighbors stole them.  According to the tracking they both happened to be delivered at the same time (even though they were shipped from different companies with different shipping methods).  Luckily the vitamin shoppe agreed to replace the order, haven’t been able to get in contact with the other company as they are closed for the weekend, hopefully they will do the same.  Very frustrating – and I have to try to figure out something else to get my dad for fathers day.

*Haven’t heard back from the state regarding our Dog Foster application, hopefully it won’t be much longer! I had hoped since I’m in the same city as the state department of Agriculture (who processes the application) it would be done in a more timely fashion – apparently not.

*The husband & I gave up cable awhile back to save money (a.k.a I’m cheap) – but to replace it we did opt for netflix and we are able to get HBOGO (thanks mom & her direct tv) on our XBOX.  So I’ve constantly been on the look out for shows to watch from these two sources, the hubs and I have been watching “Psych” together.  I have a harder time finding stuff to watch by myself as most of the stuff I would want to watch he also would want to watch.  I recently finished “Mad Men” (which seriously if you haven’t watched yet then get to it!).  Today I decided to start watching “Boardwalk Empire”, I’m only three episodes in so far but it looks pretty promising.  Anyone have any other shows they might recommend that would be available on Netflix or HBO?

So that’s about it in general type of news – I’ll be doing a post later today regarding some stuff that is infertility related!

we are so small in the scale of it all

14 Jun

So, this isn’t infertility related at all but I still feel the need to share it.  A friend of mine on facebook posted this link and I seriously looked at this thing for like an hour last night, I found it amazing.  I’ve never been that good at science & math, history and English were always my favorite and best subjects in school but still I have always found things related to science (especially Astronomy & Physics) to be incredibly interesting and often-times awe inspiring.  This link is to a scale slider – starting at humans and going down all the way to the smallest (string theory/planck length) to the largest (the observable universe/estimated size of the universe).

http://htwins.net/scale2/

Enjoy!