I am done with my graceless heart

1 Jul

Last night as we were laying in bed my husband leaned over and whispered a question in my ear.  He asked “Are you happy?”.  I continued to lay there for a moment unsure of what to say, in that moment I was content and comfortable looking forward to drifting off to sleep.  But, content and comfortable do not equal happy.  I am happy with my husband, I am happy with my little corner of the world but there are so many things that I am not happy with.  Would it have been right to say “yes”, would it have been better to say “no”, instead I simply said “I don’t know”.  Because while I am happy about certain things I am unhappy with infertility and this body that can’t seem to get anything right; I am unhappy with my weight,  with my social anxiety, with medical issues going on with my mother, and with stress and loss.  However does that unhappiness equal total unhappiness or is no one either or, do we constantly live in a grey area.  Ping ponging back and forth between the happy and the sad, the mediocre and the magnificent.  If I currently reside in that ugly grey area then I am sick of it, I am sick of walking around with a ugly dark pit deep inside of me, that stomach churning feeling of believing you are missing something, that there was something you were supposed to do but have somehow forgotten what it was.  I let the worry gnaw at my soul until I can feel it in every fiber of my being.

When I asked my husband the same question, his answer was an unaffected “yes”.  I don’t feel as though he was lying, I just feel as though he is better at compartmentalization than I am.  He worries and he hurts but at the end of day he believes that everything is going to be okay.  I’ve never been that way, I wish that I could learn how.  Instead I have always been the person who lets worry and anxiety consume them till there is not much left.  My husband suggested that I go talk to someone, I might.  I know that to be able to have IVF be successful I need to do EVERYTHING in my power to make it so, not just making my body healthier but my heart and mind as well.  I’ve been to therapists in the past and they have never done much good, maybe this time will be different.  I have something else to fight for besides just myself this time around, and that has to count for something.

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7 Responses to “I am done with my graceless heart”

  1. shrinkingjustine July 2, 2012 at 10:27 am #

    ” He worries and he hurts but at the end of day he believes that everything is going to be okay. I’ve never been that way, I wish that I could learn how. Instead I have always been the person who lets worry and anxiety consume them till there is not much left. ” – I am the same way. I think it’s harder for us to be able to answer the “are you happy” question as women because we overanalyze. In GENERAL, sure, you may be happy but when you really think about the question the answer isn’t so simple. It’s much bigger than a yes or no question.

    • taradawes July 8, 2012 at 3:52 pm #

      Very true. I do think our brains tend to work differently then the men folk.

  2. Sunshine July 2, 2012 at 12:34 pm #

    It is rare that a person is all happy or all unhappy. If I can answer “mostly” to that question I consider myself to be doing pretty well. Continue to hold the opposites, there is beauty in that.

    • taradawes July 8, 2012 at 3:51 pm #

      Yep, I’m always suspicious of people who walk around smiling/happy 24/7, I think they are either lying to themselves and the world or possibly psychotic 😛 . Also, you are right there is beauty in the the opposites 😀

  3. Emily @ablanket2keep July 7, 2012 at 11:18 am #

    My Hubby is the exact same way. I swear you wrote that about him. We do over analyze especially us women. The what ifs are always running through our brains and that can bring us down. Glad you are going to work on your mental health. I have been going to a therapist for almost a year now and it has been the best thing. She has reminded me to do things that make me happy and realize the blessings and good things in each day. Overall it has made me a happier better person. I hope the same thing is right around the corner for you.

    • taradawes July 8, 2012 at 3:50 pm #

      I’ve been to a few therapists over the years and have yet to find one that I really clicked with or helped much. Hopefully this time around through being a little more selective I’ll be able to find someone. Strangely, the one person who helped me mentally more than anyone was this wonderful psychic lady I met in New Orleans years ago. I don’t lend much credence to psychics (never have and probably never will) but the stuff she told me was more psychological and less psychic. Also, she was seriously one of the sweetest woman I have ever met in my life. I’m glad that you found a good one that is helping you! Thank you for the well wishes!

      • Emily @ablanket2keep July 8, 2012 at 4:30 pm #

        I think it’s awesome you had a psychic that helped you. I have never been to one, but have thought about it many times. I have also been to a bunch of crappy therapists over the years. The lady I go to now actually goes to my church and was recommended by my pastor when I opened up to him about my situation.

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