Last night as we were laying in bed my husband leaned over and whispered a question in my ear. He asked “Are you happy?”. I continued to lay there for a moment unsure of what to say, in that moment I was content and comfortable looking forward to drifting off to sleep. But, content and comfortable do not equal happy. I am happy with my husband, I am happy with my little corner of the world but there are so many things that I am not happy with. Would it have been right to say “yes”, would it have been better to say “no”, instead I simply said “I don’t know”. Because while I am happy about certain things I am unhappy with infertility and this body that can’t seem to get anything right; I am unhappy with my weight, with my social anxiety, with medical issues going on with my mother, and with stress and loss. However does that unhappiness equal total unhappiness or is no one either or, do we constantly live in a grey area. Ping ponging back and forth between the happy and the sad, the mediocre and the magnificent. If I currently reside in that ugly grey area then I am sick of it, I am sick of walking around with a ugly dark pit deep inside of me, that stomach churning feeling of believing you are missing something, that there was something you were supposed to do but have somehow forgotten what it was. I let the worry gnaw at my soul until I can feel it in every fiber of my being.
When I asked my husband the same question, his answer was an unaffected “yes”. I don’t feel as though he was lying, I just feel as though he is better at compartmentalization than I am. He worries and he hurts but at the end of day he believes that everything is going to be okay. I’ve never been that way, I wish that I could learn how. Instead I have always been the person who lets worry and anxiety consume them till there is not much left. My husband suggested that I go talk to someone, I might. I know that to be able to have IVF be successful I need to do EVERYTHING in my power to make it so, not just making my body healthier but my heart and mind as well. I’ve been to therapists in the past and they have never done much good, maybe this time will be different. I have something else to fight for besides just myself this time around, and that has to count for something.