I’m still looking up

21 Jun

Welcome everyone from ICLW Week – It’s been very interesting pursuing other people’s blogs and I have already found quite a few to add to my reader!  I have a very very full Google reader, I read all kinds of blogs but they tend to fall into three categories: Finance, TTC, and General Home (typically about home decorating or family orientated stuff).

I tend to read over every post that shows up in my feed but typically I don’t comment.  This week I’m trying to change that and not just for blogs that our listed for ICLW but for a lot of the general blogs as well.

The majority of the blogs that I read are written mostly by and for women.  Due to this I tend to in my personal life let my infertility become a “woman issue” when in reality it’s a people issue.  Sometimes I allow myself to become very insular in regards to the struggle and not want to discuss it with my mother, my rabbi or some days even my husband.  It is though there is a part of me that feels like it’s my burden and it shouldn’t have to be on anyone else – I should be strong enough to carry it around myself.  I’m pretty sure I’m not the only woman out there that does this.  If I’m sad – why should anyone else have to be sad too?  After reading a few blogs this week of women who are currently going through divorce I’m trying to confide more in my husband.  My heart breaks for these women and just like I’m sure they didn’t want that to be the outcome of their marriage I really don’t want it to be the outcome of mine.

I feel that in many ways I am very lucky. For example,  I married a man who deals so incredibly well with mood swings (thank you Clomid)  – he’s so calm and peaceful that no matter what we have argued about he has never once raised his voice at me no matter how loud I might get.  He tends to be very optimistic when I am being pessimistic.  He supports my decisions and I try my damnedest to be his biggest cheerleader in everything he does. He is kind and beautiful and there are days that I feel like he could do soooo much better than me and when I tell him this he tells me that for him there is nothing better and that he is not going anywhere.  I am grateful for those moments when he lifts me out of whatever funk has settled upon my heart.  I feel like I’ve been with him my entire life and can’t imagine not being with him – the mere idea of it makes my breath catch in my throat and my stomach feel queasy.

So why do I tell you this?  It’s simple really – I think sometimes the journey of TTC is like being on a carousel we keep going up and down and round and round waiting for the day when we finally get the outcome we want so we can finally get off of the damn thing.  We can get so focused on both that final moment and with the next trip around that we forget everything that surrounds us including sometimes the people around us.  Please do not mistake what I’m saying, I’m not implying that these women ignored their marriages or that infertility was the sole cause of their divorces.  I’m just saying that seeing this outcome for people makes me re-examine my marriage and see if there are any areas that I could improve on and there definitely are; I can listen more and not allow myself to let things some times fester in my mind.  I need to remember that this journey is just as much his as it is mine. If I don’t allow myself to talk to him about how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking the day will come when he does the same and the lines of communication between us would be forever changed.  I don’t want that and neither does he.  So like everything else it’s all a work in progress, nothing happens overnight but I’d like to believe that I’m making strides with all of it.  Until the day that we decide, (either by completing our family or by living child-free), to get off the carousel he’s stuck on it with me, a passenger not an observer – waiting and hoping.

This song is perfect for us & I think it’s actually a great TTC song in general.

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14 Responses to “I’m still looking up”

  1. storkchaser June 22, 2012 at 12:01 am #

    I’m here from ICLW and I completely understand your fears! Hubster and I haven’t always had a smooth relationship, but because of reading aout marital problems so much I have been more focused on my marriage. and man are we good! our marriage has become so much stronger because of this. good luck with everything and i believe in your marriage too. 🙂 i look forward to following your journey.

    • storkchaser June 22, 2012 at 1:31 pm #

      oh and thanks for the jason mraz song!! i’ve added it to my inferility/loss playlist. 🙂

      • taradawes June 24, 2012 at 7:42 pm #

        Love that song 😀 Glad you liked it!!

  2. Jamie June 22, 2012 at 9:19 am #

    Hello from ICLW! Beautifully stated. Best of luck to you with everything!

  3. B June 23, 2012 at 9:52 am #

    Our husbands sound a lot alike. Mine too rolls with the Clomid mood swings and stays so optimistic. He is so loving and gentle, which is a big reason that I want to have a baby with him in the first place!
    I wish you all the best as you gear up for IVF. I started taking Royal Jelly this cycle too. It is gross, but I’ve heard great things about it so I imagine it’s worth it.

    • taradawes June 24, 2012 at 7:45 pm #

      Yeah the texture is taking some getting used to it – but I’m sucking it down with a little chant of “make my eggs awesome”. I’m even having my husband take it, not sure it does anything extra special for men but I can’t imagine it would hurt.

      Gotta love the sweet & optimistic hubbies of the world 😀

  4. Emily @ablanket2keep June 23, 2012 at 8:45 pm #

    Hi! Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting! It is awesome to meet another WoW player! Your Hubby sounds a lot like mine! I am looking forward to following your journey. I love that song!

  5. Julia June 24, 2012 at 12:35 am #

    I have older kids now, sheesh it is hard to believe that my son is twelve. I had a lot of first trimester miscarriages before I had him. I think part of why my first marriage started breaking apart, even though we tried to keep it together for a number of years, beccause he felt that the miscarriages were my issue, and not his. He told me once that until he could feel the baby kick, it was just a part of my body. That hurt a lot, but I also realized it was the only way he could deal with his feelings, or not deal with them.

    Feel free to stop by my poetry blog!

  6. cassiedash June 24, 2012 at 11:59 am #

    Hello from ICLW! I think it’s so smart of you to try and focus on the bigger picture and to examine ways that your marriage can be improved. It’s still a work in progress for my hubby and I and though TTC can do a real number on a relationship, I think it has brought us closer together through constant communication and support. He’s the only one who has been here every second of it for me. And the description of your husband made me weepy…he sounds like a great partner and you sound so in love! If you keep seeing each other the way you do now, I know you can get through anything! Best of luck!!

  7. lovesforpetal June 24, 2012 at 11:53 pm #

    Hi. Thanks foe stopping by on my blog. What you said here about fertility feeling like an exclusive woman’s issue really resonates with me. I definitely feel like I am responsible for our infertility, and I don’t mean on a biological level, but on an emotional level. And I have this weird disconnect, between my feelings about infertility and how I think about the subject. Historically women have had to carry around infertility as a secret and a burden, and while the technology has changed and culture has shifted somewhat, I think it is still a secret private burden for many. That should change, and I suppose it is up to us to change it. Not that that motivates me to write my IF blog under my real name!

  8. Rochelle June 25, 2012 at 9:24 am #

    I love this song! I made my hubby let me play this at our vow renewal in May despite quite a protest on his indie-music-snob part. I will have to call and see if my hospital offers something like that. I think his interview went well and he should hear back today or tomorrow about when he needs to start orientation. Still doesn’t leave us with a date about when we will see a paycheck but it’s a step closer. And on the Clomid note, my dr said that usually he doesn’t let patients take it more than 6 consecutive months but we’ve taken months off here and there so I guess maybe that’s why he is letting me do it? He told me we could still try Femera but I think right now, we’re just going to focus on adoption. That makes us feel like one day, we will still have options if we decide to try them. Thanks for the great comment!

  9. Liz June 25, 2012 at 8:59 pm #

    Visiting from ICLW. I also love that song as a TTC song. When it first came out I totally related, now I feel like it is a little overplayed : ( I still love it though.

  10. alleyrose June 26, 2012 at 8:08 pm #

    Hi from ICLW! Best of luck with everything – I look forward to reading along with you!

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