I’m a little black rain cloud

10 Jun

So this is me today

It’s one of “those days” – I honestly hate “those days”.  The kind of day where it probably would have been better if I would just have stayed in bed.  I’ve been snippy towards my dogs, started a tear-filled argument with my husband for reasons that are truly beyond me at this point.  I’ve tried to listen to music to cheer me up it just makes me angry, I tried to make cupcakes and they just made me sad.  I tried to look at stuff online and it all made me feel miserable inside.

I’d like to think that this is just me being hormonal – but what hormones?  I started back on my metformin but I don’t recall it making me depressed before (at least not this far gone).  I’ve battled with super serious depression in my life before so I know that as shitty as today feels (and trust me it feels plenty shitty) it pales in comparison to other days I’ve had in the past.  The extra crappy thing is that I get so angry at myself for being sad (for what feels like no reason), I feel like I don’t have the right to be sad or like if I am sad I should just suck it up.  There is a part of me that because of all the infertility stuff I feel like I shouldn’t be depressed as there is a part of me that feels like people will judge me for my sadness; and they will feel like my infertility is deserved because “sad people don’t make good mothers” – I know this is all bullshit, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling that way.  Is every day of my life like this – obviously no, I have great days – most of my days are great days.  But some days are just faking it type of days, and other rarer days are days like today.

Some days – such as today – I just wish that things were easier and that life would magically work out like I always thought it would.  I really wish I had more people to talk to but the only people I have are my husband and my mother, who both are dealing with a lot themselves right now.  So I come here, pour out my heart but never completely for fear of being judged “unfit” to mother the child that nature hasn’t seen fit to let me have (yet?).  I know that I would make a good mother; but I feel like others might not see that, all they would see is a woman who cries when she makes cupcakes.

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4 Responses to “I’m a little black rain cloud”

  1. Sunshine June 11, 2012 at 4:18 pm #

    We do all have those days. I’m sorry you had one yesterday. I hope today is better but don’t beat yourself up about it. Be your own best friend today and treat yourself kindly.

    • taradawes June 12, 2012 at 7:37 am #

      Yesterday was much better! Thank you for your kind words 😀

  2. JustHeather June 12, 2012 at 3:39 am #

    I know those exact feelings so well. Sometimes the weight of TTC, the unfairness of it all and life itself just get us down, even if we don’t want to be there. I can so remember having such dark days when TTC, especially around the 2 year mark. Honestly, it doesn’t always go away and sometimes a good ol’ cry is what helps me.

    I see that you have a rocketmail email too (I only use mine for junk mail these days). It’s rare to see those these days.

    • taradawes June 12, 2012 at 7:40 am #

      yep the TTC train sucks, some days I’d really like to be able to get off of the thing but it doesn’t work that way. Thankfully one really crappy day is usually followed by a good one. I have the rocketmail address simply because I couldn’t get the email addy I wanted anywhere else!! I tend to use my gmail account for spam. I noticed on your blog that you live in Finland, that is amazing – I really wish myself and the hubs could live in Northern Europe (we looked at Iceland at one point) – but the immigration laws are pretty intense for people who have no ties there it seems, plus we have a decent life where we live now. Guess I’ll just have to settle for traveling there one day!

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