So, the title of this blog came from a couple experiences I’ve had here lately. Namely the birth of my great-nephew and the announcement on facebook (seriously are they ever anywhere else) that one of my teenage cousins is expecting.
I’ve watched family member after family member pretty much just fall haphazardly into pregnancy, some of whom were as young as fifteen. I’m sorry (well not really) but it pisses me off, I know that I as an adult should be more mature about the whole thing but I just can’t do it anymore and these last two really did completely break me down.
There is that part of me that is so bitter because I did everything I was supposed to do, I was a good girl, I went to college, I didn’t get married to the first man who came along and by waiting I ended up married to a wonderful man at the age of 29, we researched school districts prior to purchasing our home, we are incredibly financially responsible, but none of it mattered simply because my lady parts don’t want to work right. In complete opposite of that my “sister” did the exact opposite on all fronts and she ended up with two kids and now one grandkid, while I’m still standing here waiting for our HELOC loan to be approved so we can continue trying.
I guess one of the things that makes me the saddest and has made these last two so different from every other girl I know that has managed to trip over a penis and get herself knocked up is the fact that I should be pregnant right now. Had I not miscarried I would be pregnant right now and nearing the 9mth mark, and then maybe I could just shake my head in disbelief like everyone else at these two situations instead of sitting here crying feeling my heart break a little bit more.
When my nephews girlfriend was nearing the end of her pregnancy one of my other cousins apparently told my mom “I don’t know why they don’t just give that baby to Tara, it would be so much better off”. While I am thankful (I guess) for the sentiment it just struck me so wrong on so many levels. The hubs and I want a baby we made (albeit with help from science), I want to feel my baby growing inside of me, I want our child to not come with strings attached (i.e family adoption), I want to look at our child and see bits of myself and my husband and our parents.
Speaking of adoption; the hubs and I have discussed it at length and as things stand right now we are not interested in adoption. The reasons are pretty detailed and I will probably discuss them in another blog entry at some point (they are seriously an entry of their own). Currently the plan is if multiple IVF’s fail we might consider moving on to a gestational surrogate but we have decided to really cross that bridge when we come to it and for the time being just focus on doing everything we can to up our chances at IVF.