I know I haven’t posted much lately, that is mainly due to the fact that there isn’t much to post. Life has been crazy outside of the infertility bubble/madness, I’ve been trying to focus on that and it’s taking all my energy. At the same time my mother was being treated for cancer we found out that my uncle has terminal cancer. We also found that a friend we haven’t seen in a few years who has been fighting a heart condition is terminal and has been given only a few months to live – he will leave behind his wife and a very young daughter. Last week the day before hearing the news about my uncle, one of my dear friends lost her best friend to murder – it was violent, senseless and tragic in so many ways and has haunted me since then. I’ve always been good at swallowing my feelings and trying to shove my grief/sadness/pain as far down as it will go but honestly you can only have room for so much, till you are spent. I am spent. I have reached that point in so many ways, I can’t talk about infertility right now – we aren’t in the middle of treatments and won’t be till after the first of the year. I hope to come back then, better and ready to fight for the family my husband and I so desperately want. Today though I have no fight in me – not for me, not for this. There is so much pain, sadness and grief in this world and for the people in my family and circle it never seems to happen over time it always seems to happen in clusters, clusters of tragedy and despair that happen without warning and leave you feeling like you have been punched in the gut or have forgotten how to breathe.
Late last month I was in desperate mourning, I was mourning for the baby my husband and I lost – on my birthday I had the realization that s/he would have been born near that day – and it filled me with overwhelming sadness like nothing I had felt before. Since then everything has been a domino effect, one after another. I’m stepping back for now – spending time with people who don’t have much time. I wish everyone the best of luck on their journey in the coming months, hopefully I come back and my reader is full of good and joyous news – the world needs more of it.