Limbo

18 Aug

So I’m sitting in limbo again.  My embryos are all nice and frozen but I can’t move on to transfer yet.  My period/random bleeding started up again with a vengeance and has been going for about 5 days now non-stop.  I’m using the Poise overnight extra long pads (highly recommend by the way if you are a heavy bleeder), but even with as awesome as those are I’m having to change them out every few hours.  Until the bleeding stops they can’t schedule my hysteroscopy and until I get the hysteroscopy done and they figure out if there is anything wrong/bad in my uterus they can’t do the transfer.  So I’m stuck waiting, and as I’ve said before I’m not a patient person.

I also have been going through mental/emotional hell – not sure if my hormone levels are out of wack or if it’s just everything weighing on me.  My husband deserves some sort of award for dealing with the emotional roller-coaster that is me currently.  I’m hoping that maybe if the doctor can find the mysterious cause of my bleeding that it will also magically cure the emotional train wreck that I have become.

In other news – our central AC unit is on the fritz so we might have to end up getting that replaced, we are trying to make the current one last as long as possible but who knows how long that will be.  It will be about 3k to get a new one installed, I would much rather use that money for future fertility treatments or better yet for future baby, but neither my husband nor myself “do warm”, so if it stops working it’s getting fixed.

My family had a huge family reunion this weekend which I did not attend, the hubs had to work and I just wasn’t sure I could deal with the plethora of 16 year olds in my family who have babies so I opted to stay home.  There are a few people I would have liked to see but not worth it overall in my opinion.  Also, the only reason they are opting for a family reunion is because one of my uncles is incredibly sick and in hospice.  I love my uncles dearly and I hate to lose another one, but it frustrates me that the only time my family gets together is when someone is dying or dead.  We don’t get together to celebrate births and barely any of them bothered to attend my wedding and we don’t have family reunions just to have family reunions – someone has to be dying.   It’s all together very frustrating and honestly one of the reasons I love my husbands family so damn much.  Don’t get me wrong my family is my family and I wouldn’t trade them for anything – I just wish sometimes that they could revel in life as much as they revel in death.

Other than that not much happening in my little corner of the world, hopefully I can get out of limbo soon!

Freeze

9 Aug

Been pretty busy the last few days but I wanted to do a quick update while I had a spare moment. Out of our seven embryos four were able to be frozen on day-5 and one more was frozen on day-6. I’m not sure what happened to the others, but I’m feeling good about the number we got. If **fingers crossed** there are no problems with thawing it will give us enough for two FET’s. Most likely we will attempt to transfer three on the first transfer and save the other two for a second transfer if needed.

Daily Report

6 Aug

Just got the daily report on our seven lil’ embryos. They called later today then they have any other day which caused me to sit here for almost three hours playing the what-if game. Even though our clinic had warned us that somedays they might call later and not to worry because it didn’t mean anything I still sat here and worried because its something I’ve always done well.

Out of our seven embryos five have reached the stage where they can no longer count individual cells the other two are right on the cusp. He said he felt pretty good that those five would be ready to freeze tomorrow the other two he thought might make it but he didn’t want to promise anything. I feel pretty good about how they have grown and I only hope that once transferred they continue to grow like champs.

In other news I’ve been “sequestered” for the morning while the company that installed the tile in our living room and hallway come back out to fix all the stuff they screwed up. While I love the tile itself I am soooooooo not happy with their shoddy work. It was only supposed to take two hours they have already been here for three. Also whatever chemical they are using to clean up the grout that they got everywhere is the nastiest smelling crap ever. I will be very glad when they are done and out of my house for good.

To bide my time I started watching “New Girl” on Netflix, it’s actually pretty funny although there are some scenes where Zooey Deschenal’s character completely grates my nerves but its a nice change of pace from all the super serious dramas I’ve been watching lately. Plus laughing is supposed to be good for you, so might as well!

Day Three

5 Aug

So today 4 of the embryos are at 8-cell while the other 3 are at 6-cell. The embryologist also informed that today would be the day they do the assisted hatching.

I asked them if he could tell me what they graded the embryos, he actually seemed surprised I asked (are their seriously women who don’t ask?!). He happily informed that they were all grade A, I am a bit surprised that the ones that are only at 6-cell would be rated that high, but I will go with what they told me.

I meant to ask him to transfer me to one of the nurses but got sidetracked. Need to see if they can call in a RX for my yeast infection and possibly my constipation. I can’t believe that this many days after retrieval I’m still as physically miserable as I am. Hopefully the nurses can call me in something without much issue.

Grow Embryos Grow

4 Aug

Quick update- the embryologist called today with the 2-day update. The seven that fertilized are still trucking along, currently 4 are at the 4-cell stage and the other 3 are at 3-cells. I’m really looking forward to/dreading the results tomorrow as I feel that might be a better indicator. Since they are taking them to day 5 before freezing them I feel it’s going to be a really long week.

Not as expected

3 Aug

Just wanted to give a quick update I had my retrieval on Friday the doctor somehow was able to access my right ovary so he was able to get 15 eggs in total. I have pretty much been miserable since Friday everything I’ve read online says most people are fine the day after their retrieval I am not I can barely walk, I can’t go to bathroom, and to top it all off I’m getting a yeast infection from the antibiotics that they gave me prior to the retrieval.

Got the phone call from the embryologist this morning out of the 15 eggs that they got only seven fertilized it was not the number that we were hoping for at all, especially since they’re going to have to make it to 5-day blastocysts and then survive being frozen and thawed.

I’m really trying to think positive and I’ve looked online trying to find other people that have had low numbers of fertilized eggs and they’ve made it to the fifth day and then resulted in a positive pregnancy test but it’s really really hard. I think even my husband who is usually so positive is having a really hard time dealing with our odds. He asked me earlier if maybe that this should be it for us, that we try this and then once we’re done with these than we are done. But I just don’t know, part if me screams to try until we have nothing left- no money, no hope, no anything. When I want to give up I think back to my first IUI and how happy we were when we got the BFP, and although it was short lived I see the look on my husbands face that was pure joy- that look keeps me going. Every time I had to inject something into my stomach or cry during an ultrasound because they had to work so hard to find my ovaries I think if that look and I bite my lip and I keep going.

20130803-233004.jpgNo matter what.

Just roll me down the hall

1 Aug

So I know I’ve been MIA the last week – I’ve been sleeping.  Seriously, I’ve been sleeping.  The fun and varied medications I’ve been on have seemed to kick into overdrive, I sleep a lot.  I’m also incredibly bloated – here have a picture of me in all my bloated glory

violet you're turning violet

 

Okay – so maybe that isn’t necessarily a picture of me but it is a pretty damn good picture of how I currently feel.  I have never been so bloated and so sore in my life.

When we went in for my ultrasound/bloodwork on Monday Dr. G was able to locate a little bit of my right ovary and saw 2 really good sized follicles, he said there was most likely more but it’s still in a place he isn’t 100% sure he will be able to access but he will try.  My left ovary still had 8 that were growing really well and a few more that were trying to play catch-up.  My Estradiol levels on that day were 2215, so definitely an improvement but at that point I was still bleeding really really heavily.  Dr. G said at that point if I didn’t stop bleeding and my uterus calm down we would have to make the choice to either cancel the cycle and start over or do the retrieval but freeze the eggs.  The hubs and I talked it over and neither of us were super gung-ho about starting over – I went home and had a nice conversation with my uterus. Yeah I’m a dork, I seriously talked to my uterus (I’ll just blame the meds for making me crazy :P) And low and behold the next day my period tapered off and by Wednesday (my next appointment) the bleeding was probably only at 5%.  “Huzzah” I foolishly thought – my body is finally doing what it’s supposed to and now we will be able to do a fresh transfer.  Yeah, no.  Dr. G said while it was great that my bleeding stopped my uterus still had the lining of a menstruating uterus and that “to transfer embryos into there would be the equivalent of flushing them down the toilet”.  So we were still only left with the two options, after talking to Dr. G for about 30mins we decided to continue with our plan of continuing the cycle and just freezing the embryos – we aren’t sure what day they will be frozen as the embryologist makes that call for the most part, but their office is really good about keeping us in the loop so we will know when they know.  Dr. G knew that we had opted for an ARC package and he said he didn’t want finances to be our deciding factor so that he would work it out with the billing/money lady that we would at least get three frozen cycles or would still get a fresh cycle somewhere down the line.  That was a bit of relief for us, we obviously didn’t want to make a decision based on money but with IVF as expensive as it is it’s somewhat easy to go that route.

Dr. G said that after doing the retrieval he wants to go back next month and do a hysteroscopy and possible another saline sonogram (the last two were done by my OB/GYN) to try to find out what is causing my abnormal bleeding.  While I hate waiting to the transfer (I am not a patient girl in any sense of the word) I know that it’s for the best – I want to do everything I can possibly do to make sure that those embryos hunker down in my uterus for 9mths.  without issue.

My Estradiol levels on Wednesday were pretty good at 4161 – so I was told to do our ovidrel shot on Wednesday night which I did and I go in on Friday morning at the buttcrack of dawn for my retrieval and for the hubs to give his sample (those men they have it so hard let me tell you, we get poked and prodded for weeks they get to look at naughty magazines and do their business in a cup – they are tortured I tell ya :P )

I’m trying to keep as positive as I possibly can about going the frozen route – Dr. G said they would transfer 3 embryos if we wanted as that would help increase the odds a bit and I’m all for increasing the odds. He also mentioned that it would give my body a chance to recover from the stress of medication and what not.  So like I said trying to keep positive.  In the meantime I’m looking forward to a few months of not having bloat from hell and sleeping 16 hours a day.

As I’ll be bed ridden on Friday I’ll try to post to let you all know how it went – and considering I will be highly medicated I promise nothing coherent.

Frustration

26 Jul

Went in for another ultrasound/bloodwork today.  The doctor still couldn’t find my right ovary and my left only had about 8 follicles none of which was bigger than 15.  I’m still bleeding really bad from my period, but the doctor said my lining was currently in the process of the re-thickening (which if that’s the case, where in the hell is all this blood & not pretty stuff coming from?!?!?!).

My Estradiol levels were 838, so they have went up from my blood work earlier this week – but what’s being shown on the ultrasound is not filling me with a whole lot of hope.  If they only end up with 8 follicles to work with I really don’t know what that’s going to mean for us.  I was supposed to go back in this Sunday, but my doctor wants me to come back instead on Monday and he’s going to extend how long I’m taking the medication for while keeping the dosage the same.  So I had to call the pharmacy up and order a couple more vials of menopur – I should have enough Lupron & possibly enough Gonal-F.  I really hope that Monday turns into our miracle ultrasound and he can find my right ovary and it’s got a bunch of good looking follicles.  But considering that my body is pretty much refusing to do anything it’s supposed to I’m not going to hold my breath.

TMI Time

24 Jul

I realized after I went in for my ultrasound/blood work yesterday that I never posted what my initial Estradiol levels were.

When I went in on the 17th for my baseline my levels came back at 55.  Yesterday for my ultrasound/lab treatment day 5 they came back at 202.  I tried to look up online what numbers other people had gotten during their cycles but they really did seem to vary wildly.  During the appointment my doctor mentioned that if the number was low he would up my meds, when the numbers came back they opted to keep my meds the same (300units Gonal-F, 3u Lupron, & 75u Menopur), so I’m going to assume that is good.

We did get a bit of distressing news during the ultrasound however.  I’ve always had incredibly hard to find ovaries, I don’t know if they are just camera shy or what – but they love to hide and no amount of violent probing with the dildo wand will get them to show.  Our doctor said that because of the difficulty in finding them there is a chance he won’t be able to retrieve as many eggs as we would like.  He did say that there is a chance that as the follicles get larger they might become easier to access and less likely to run off and hide.  I’m really hoping that’s the case as I want him to be able to get as many of those suckers as possible.  He was able to briefly view the left ovary and noticed one larger follicle that is currently at 7mm & a lot of slightly smaller ones (that he did not measure at the time).  I’m hoping the right ovary is having a similar/better response, but it’s always been the super stubborn one.

I go back in on Friday for my next ultrasound, I hope that it turns out a bit better than this last appointment. I also started a period on Sunday, which the clinic told me might happen after stopping the BCP – my body took it’s sweet precious getting around to that period though as I had been off BCP for a week.  It’s been really heavy, which I was worried about but my Dr. assured me that it’s nothing to worry about.  I’m hoping it’s all done by Friday, because there is something just extra special gross about having the vaginal ultrasound done when you are bleeding like that.

I’ve been surprisingly not emotionally crazed while on my meds – I’m sure my husband is relieved.  I find it weird that the few cycles I did on clomid made me CRAZY but all these medications that I’m currently taking don’t seem to effect me much emotionally.  They are effecting me in other ways though – my back is killing me, I have some sort of strange version of insomnia where I can’t sleep for more than a couple hours at a time which is annoying.  I can easily deal with the back pain though (I just keep thinking happy baby thoughts) but the insomnia is really whats getting to me – I know I need lots of sleep/rest for my body to be all prepared to house a human being and what not – and it’s just not happening which is super frustrating.

Would love to hear what numbers other ladies have had around this time in their IVF cycle, also if anyone has any experience with camera shy ovaries and they might have any secrets to share as to how to get them to magically show up I am all ears!

 

The Pain Boss the Pain

18 Jul

So just a quick question out there for others who have used injectables.  I used injectables with all three of my IUI’s and had no problems – this go around it’s completely different.  The first week was fine, the four nights a week my husband is home he does the shots for me alternating sides of my stomach, then the three nights he’s not home I do them but I tend to stick to the left side with no problems.  However, night before last we opted back to the right side and it hurt like no shot I’ve ever had before.  Last night husband tried again on the right side, it hurt like hell again – he tried changing the positioning and it still hurt.  So back to the left side we went with no problems.  Has anyone had issue with one side being A LOT more painful than the other? On the left side I don’t even feel anything aside from a slight burning when the medication is being injected currently right side feels like I’m being shanked.

Currently we are only on Lupron, Friday we start with Gonal-F & Menopur in addition to the Lupron – I’m really hoping that whatever this is stops.

So anyone else out there have similar issues?

Back…for reals

16 Jul

So my grand “I’m back” post didn’t really pan out.  It was hard for me to write here when I was in a complete standstill in regards to infertility treatments.  Thankfully said standstill is over and we are moving again.  Loan got approved, we ended up going through our local credit union as the rates were GREAT and we were able to get it as a “first mortgage” type loan since we never had a mortgage on our house prior.  We used a portion of the money to get a new roof & a new furnace things that were desperately needed for our house.  We also had some other things that came up but the rest of the money has been earmarked for fertility treatments.  We went through Arc and decided to opt for the 1 & 1 package, I know it’s kind of a pathetic package but I couldn’t bring myself to commit to anything else at this point.  I spoke with our RE about concerns because I had heard many a time about the first IVF cycle being a bit of a “test cycle” with meds and what not.  He assured me that it probably wouldn’t be the case for me as I had already done three medicated IUI cycles and I would be using Gonal-F for my IVF which they had previously given me for all of my IUI’s so they know how I respond.

Currently I’m in the midst of my suppression cycle – I took my last BCP last night and am doing 10units of Lupron a night – I go in Wednesday for our baseline ultrasound.  Prior to actually starting the suppression cycle we opted for some genetic testing – our RE works with a company (email me if you want the information) that is AWESOME – if you have insurance even if insurance doesn’t cover the tests at all you only have to pay $99 a person and it runs a huge long list of tests.  The only genetic mutation that popped up for me was an issue with Iron absorption- something to bring up with my primary doctor but nothing that would limit my ability to get pregnant or maintain the pregnancy.  My husband tested positive for MTHFR and was told to take a baby aspirin and multi-vitamin and bring it up with our primary doctor but it wouldn’t effect our IVF chances at all.  He also strangely tested positive for the cystic fibrosis gene, I say strangely because we were actually certain that I would be the one who tested positive for it as I had a cousin who unfortunately passed away due to cystic fibrosis – where as my husband has not had a single case in his family.  We had them triple check the results and were assured that they were accurate, so we are going with that.  I was just glad that I didn’t have anything pop up that would make me more susceptible to miscarriage.

Friday I start the Gonal-F & Menopur injections.  I really hope this is it, I look at the percentages and I know our chances aren’t great – but I still hope- there are some days I’m fully convinced it’s that little bit of hope that actually enables me to get out of bed in the morning.  We haven’t told a lot of people that we are currently doing IVF, our parents know and I have two facebook friends that know, I just can’t bring myself to tell more people.  It’s like putting it out there in the world is just asking for badness.  I almost didn’t start typing here because I’m scared, I’m so scared of it not working it’s like if I keep it this gigantic secret maybe it won’t hurt so bad if it doesn’t work.  However, that being said I’m going to try my damnedest to start updating here again I think it’s good for me to let it out otherwise all the worry just sits inside of me eating away.  So while I probably won’t comment every day I’m going to aim for a few times a week.  Hope if there is anyone still out there reading this that everything is going well with you – I’ve tried to keep up with a lot of my “infertility” blogs but I’m fully convinced that feedly ate some of them when I transitioned from google reader – so I’m still in the process of trying to get everything to update correctly.

Fingers crossed -

Tara

Back

9 Feb

I’ve been thinking about coming back from my self-imposed hiatus for a bit things are finally starting to happen and honestly I miss having someplace to put down the thoughts that are constantly running laps in my head.

The last few months have been hard – really really hard.  My mother got incredibly sick (she’s had heart problems for about 15 years) and the doctors in our area basically told her there was nothing that they could do for her and that she was going to die.  Hearing this was a shock but thanks to the suggestion of one of my uncles my mother contacted someone at the mayo clinic and my dad took her up there for treatment.  They were able to do what the doctors here couldn’t and thankfully she is still here and doing much better.  I am sooooo incredibly grateful for the care she received up there.  The one good thing is that it did serve as a bit of wake up call for her and she FINALLY quit smoking and is doing really well with it – I’m very proud of her.  A few weeks prior to that one of my uncles took a turn for the worse with his cancer diagnosis and unfortunately it’s been all downhill for him, I try to put a positive spin on things when I talk to my mom about it – I want her to still believe that the impossible is possible, but you can only do that for so long.

Worst of all at the beginning of January we received a phone call from my family in Florida that another one of my uncles had passed away.  He’d been sick for awhile and had suffered a stroke but I honestly didn’t know it was that bad.  My mother took it incredibly hard and I do what I always do when someone in my family dies (I have a HUGE family so it happens every few years it seems) I kind of turn into a stone – I don’t cry (especially not in front of others) and I make myself busy.  When my grandmother passed away in 2007 I wrote her eulogy and her obit, since then I have sort of become the eulogist for my family – when someone dies I somehow get roped into it.  I sat down to write this for my uncle and I blanked – I suddenly realized that this man I grew up around who I loved deeply, I in fact barely knew.  So I set out to ask my family questions – I asked his children, I asked his ex-wife (the one I still consider my aunt), and I asked my mother. I also remembered things that my grandmother said about her little boy – the boy with curls and the smile that could light up a room.  The boy she said she sent to Vietnam, the boy she said never really came home.  I already knew all that my cousins would say – he was a drunk, he loved alcohol more than anything, he could never leave the war behind, he loved his country passionately but could never quite love his children enough.  My mother told me of her little brother, how changed he was after he went to war how she always wanted him to find his way back to that lovable wonderful boy he was – but that he never could.  I finally cobbled something together, but it was nothing like what I wanted to write. I wanted to say that he was a man with many flaws, a man who was destroyed at 17 by the horrors of a war he was not even remotely prepared for, a man who loved his children even if they never really understood it or even if he failed to show it in all the ways he should.  After he died they found some insurance policies he had taken out years ago and paid for faithfully every month so that when he died his children would have something – this shocked them.  This man who couldn’t remember to show up to school events remembered this one thing – this one little thing, and at the end for his kids that was enough – they would never get back the time he missed with both them and their children – but they had this, this one final sign that their dad did in fact love them and had not forgot them.

Through all of this me and the husband have been trudging along – trying to finalize the sell of his family property in Cali to his mother so that we can FINALLY move on with our plans for IVF.  Thankfully this week the house finally closed and he is supposed to sign some papers this week and then we are done with it, I am so incredibly relieved. We can finally move on with our plans to finance our IVF this spring/summer.  In the meantime I have started trying to eat better and take my metformin regularly.  I started using Myfitnesspal on my phone and it’s really great.  I started the second week of January and I’m already down 9 1/2 lbs. Thanks to a suggestion from a good friend of mine I actually use baby stuff as a motivation – if I start to feel like I’m going to cheat and eat something bad instead I go on pinterest and pin some baby stuff, if I’m at the grocery store and I think about putting something bad in my cart I go stand in the baby aisle for a few minutes.   The fertility clinic we use is now offering nutritional counseling, I called them earlier this week and they are supposed to be calling me back to schedule an appointment.  It would be wonderful if by changing my diet and losing some weight I could magically get my PCOS under control and we would be able to conceive naturally.  However, I’m not betting the farm on it so we are going through with all of this with the belief that it will increase our chances come IVF.

Since I took my blogging hiatus – I’ve seen soooo many fellow bloggers have babies along with numerous people that I know.  I’m honestly incredibly happy for all my fellow IF’ers who have had their babies – it’s been a long wait for all.  Every time I look at a baby announcement whether it be in my blog roll or on facebook I try to remind myself that one day it will be us.  I’m trying to not let myself get overwhelmed or saddened by the unfairness that is so easy to feel – instead I am trying my damnedest to concentrate on the positives and so far it seems to be working.

Other than all that not a whole lot has been going on – we’ve been battling the flu, strep throat and numerous other fun time ailments this winter and I think we FINALLY got rid of all of them – they just kept bouncing back and forth between the husband and myself which sucked.  I’m hoping to be able to frequently update my blog but I’m taking it one day at a time, hopefully I still have a few people out there reading it after all this time :D

-tara

Hiatus

18 Sep

I know I haven’t posted much lately, that is mainly due to the fact that there isn’t much to post.  Life has been crazy outside of the infertility bubble/madness, I’ve been trying to focus on that and it’s taking all my energy. At the same time my mother was being treated for cancer we found out that my uncle has terminal cancer.  We also found that a friend we haven’t seen in a few years who has been fighting a heart condition is terminal and has been given only a few months to live – he will leave behind his wife and a very young daughter.  Last week the day before hearing the news about my uncle, one of my dear friends lost her best friend to murder – it was violent, senseless and tragic in so many ways and has haunted me since then.  I’ve always been good at swallowing my feelings and trying to shove my grief/sadness/pain as far down as it will go but honestly you can only have room for so much, till you are spent.  I am spent.  I have reached that point in so many ways, I can’t talk about infertility right now – we aren’t in the middle of treatments and won’t be till after the first of the year.  I hope to come back then, better and ready to fight for the family my husband and I so desperately want.  Today though I have no fight in me – not for me, not for this.  There is so much pain, sadness and grief in this world and for the people in my family and circle it never seems to happen over time it always seems to happen in clusters, clusters of tragedy and despair that happen without warning and leave you feeling like you have been punched in the gut or have forgotten how to breathe.

Late last month I was in desperate mourning, I was mourning for the baby my husband and I lost – on my birthday I had the realization that s/he would have been born near that day – and it filled me with overwhelming sadness like nothing I had felt before. Since then everything has been a domino effect, one after another.  I’m stepping back for now – spending time with people who don’t have much time.  I wish everyone the best of luck on their journey in the coming months, hopefully I come back and my reader is full of good and joyous news – the world needs more of it.

baby shower dilemma

26 Aug

So, my 18 year old cousin (hell, maybe she’s 19 by now I can’t keep track of all of them) emailed me the other day to get my address.  She was requesting it as she is planning her baby shower.  I gave it to her and fully expect to receive one in the mail any day now.  I called my mom after receiving said email and told her I wasn’t sure I could go, her response “well why not?  You need to go, she’s family.” Grumble freaking grumble.  Should I put on my big girl panties and deal?  Should I send a card and a gift with my mother knowing that I’m going to have to deal with a speech?  It’s very frustrating – there is a part of me that is happy for her but on the same token there is a part that just wants to scream then cry.  The last baby shower I went to was about two years ago, I left early and bawled the entire way home – and that was for someone who had been trying for years to have a baby and who I was genuinely happy about.  In my mother’s world I’m being selfish, in my world I’m being honest.  This is how I feel – I can’t magically change it.  How do you guys deal with shower invites?  Do you show up and deal?  Does it not bother you?  Do you skip out on them?  If you skip out on them any magical excuse you can give me?  Since I stay home (and my family knows that) I can’t use the magical “oh I have to work” excuse.  Is there something I could say to my mother to have her “get it” – for the most part she has been incredibly supportive and understanding about our infertility issues – but the things that  she has never been able to understand is why I hate to attend events like this or how I can’t be around other peoples kids at the moment.  ugh.

the ghosts that we knew

22 Aug

We got back from Nebraska late yesterday afternoon, originally we had planned on being home that morning but it just didn’t work out that way.  Concert was a gigantic ball of awesome, amazing and a bunch of other positive adjectives.  The only downside – venturing out into the masses reminds me how much of a “not a people person” I actually am.  I have no problem judging people as douchebag hipsters and there were plenty in attendance.   However, even with all that  it was still an awesome way to celebrate my early birthday and a great first concert experience for my hubby.  How that man managed to go 33 years without going to a concert though is beyond me!!

When we left Monday morning the hubs had just gotten off work so I ended up driving while he slept – 3 1/2 hours of nothing but straight road and corn fields and no conversation – at one point I felt like we were about to star in our very own version of “Children of the Corn”.  However, it did give me time to think or as the case usually is over-think.  I tried my damnedest not to think about our upcoming (hopefully) IVF treatments, about our miscarriage or even about infertility in general.  However, trying is not necessarily succeeding.   It’s always there isn’t it?  Clouding everything, effecting every thought.  I can try to out think it, I can try to drive away from it but it follows us.  I think it will until it’s all finished in one way or another.  In less than a week I will be 32 years old – it seems strange to me to say that.

I remember being 17 like it was yesterday, I remember being filled with sadness and with hope and a belief in tomorrow. My life is currently so completely different than I had thought it would be, that doesn’t mean it’s bad – in some ways it is better and in others it just is. However,  in one way or another no matter how bad something seemed like it was in my life it always seemed to work itself out, infertility is the first thing in my life that hasn’t done so.  I know that IVF gives us a chance to have a child but it doesn’t cure infertility, it doesn’t magically remove a medical condition.  I sometimes wish I could go back in time and have a nice yell at my 17 year old self – scream at her for her arrogance and punish her for her belief in “everything will be okay”.  Then perhaps warn her about the mistakes she will make and guide her towards the right choices that came later if  they came at all.  Life doesn’t work like that though, we don’t get a reset button.  Everything- every choice, every good thing that happens along with every bad thing, every thought, and even every mistake guides us and forms us.  They make us who we are, blemishes and all.  I know that this upcoming year will be a hard one, I just hope that it will also be a happy one.  I want to be done with this journey of infertility, I want a happy ending.  I don’t want to be haunted by the ghost of “what if” and “why not me” anymore.  I don’t want to lose anymore babies I want to see one finally be born – healthy and happy and loved.  I am impatient – I guess that is one thing I still have in common with 17-year old me, a desire for tomorrow to be today.  I have always ached for the promise of tomorrow while having a cautious eye on the past, some days I have probably forgot how to live in the present – that has been especially true these last few years.  I think all of us are a bit guilty of that though, it’s one of those things you could probably file under “infertility” symptoms.  No matter what, I will be grateful to be turning 32, I will be grateful for another day on this earth, another chance to get it right.

 

“So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
Cause oh that gave me such a fright
But I will hold on as long as you like
Just promise me that we’ll be alright.
But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view
And we’ll live a long life”

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